[Julia]

Originally Posted by beth

Julia, you're very fortunate to have such an understanding husband who can help you with your depression and panic attacks. Many family members fail to understand these conditions and thus couas even more problems for the sufferer.

I have written several articles on panic, anxiety, depression and coping with family members who suffer from emotional illnesses. Please feel free to click on the Mental Health link below for lots of tips on coping and recovery from breakdown.

Thank you, Beth. I know that not everyone understands these conditions, and haved faced my share of family members and friends who don't understand. It's not easy.

I've been reading over some of your articles, and will definitely be tagging and bookmarking them, as they are extremely helpful. Thank you so much!

[hennypenny]

I know my fiance does. When he was with his first wife, he tried everything to save their marriage, he tried to get counselling for them, but the wife refused because she said they'd make her 'look bad'. In the end, for all his efforts, he was kicked out so the new boyfriend (his best mate) could be moved in.
Even though we are not yet married, I know he'd do anything for our relationship. He's been to counselling with me (I needed sexual assault counselling for stuff that happened before we got together), and is always trying to find nice ways to treat me, or make my life easier etc. If I'm down, he always finds nice ways to cheer me up. I love him! I know I'm very lucky

[workingdad]

Most men don't approach relationships the same way as women. We are conditioned very differently. Think about the relationships you had as children, how you interacted with peers. Men are not really taught how to be in a relationship like marriage. If relationship-working is about talking and expressing feelings, men are always going to be way behind (again, i'm speaking generally). There's a lot to overcome.
On the lighter side, I think it was comedienne Judi Gold who explained the difference between what women mean when the say "we need to talk" and when men say it. A woman saying " we need to talk" means "i don't know where this relationship is going, how serious, is it too serious, should we do this, or that,etc." Gold speaks very rapidly and throws out a ton of scenarios that the woman is thinking out loud about "the relationship" and what it all means.
Gold then says, when a guy says, "we need to talk," he means:
"there's another woman I want to have sex with.
how is that going to interfere with our having sex?"
leave em laughing...

[wataylor]

Originally Posted by beth

I wonder if men spend their spare time musing about how to improve their marriages? Do they read "how to" books on the subject? I've never known of any who do, (or perhaps only if they have one placed in front of them with the intruction "read!" But I sure know lots of women who are currently reading whatever the latest book is on having a great marriage! What does this say about men and the way they view relationships? Why do women do the majority of the "relationship" work?

You're addressing the fundamental nature of men adn women. The Bible tells why women were given:

And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18

Most agree that women are more interested in talking than men are. God gave women a drive to talk for many, many reasons, but one of them was to keep her husband from being alone. The difficulty is that men believ that relationships are build throgh phyiscal activity. Once he's married, he thinks it's a done deal and he doesn't HAVE to talk about it any more.

That is not what God had in mind, of course. God TOLD husbands to talk to their wives:

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Proverbs 31:28-29

He's suposed to tell her over and over that she's the best wife he knows. More than that, God expects him to know her:

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. I Peter 3:7

The only way a man can dwell with his wife according to knowledge of her is to talk to her.

But men aren't being taught this. It is not natural for men to talk in that way; if it were natural, God would not have bothered to command it.

[tynormem]

I know my dh does not. When I try to talk about the subject, we end up arguing. He likes to maintain the status quo (how things were long ago BEFORE dc's), with the exception of me SAH till our dc's are in school (saves a lot on day care!)!

[sam999]

Judging from my own experience, I think that when men realize what's at stake, and what the possibilities are, they become willing to make the effort to study and improve their relationships with their wives.

Men are task oriented. They need to know:

1) What the goal is.

2) That there are specific tasks they can perform that will get them there.

For example, "Read this to improve your marriage" is too vague to be inspiring -- certain effort, and uncertain results. On the other hand, "You can make your wife more beautiful by doing these 4 things" is more concrete -- something a man can sink his teeth into and judge for himself.

An example of a marriage improvement web site that uses the latter approach is eternalromance.org

Men on average are inherently less verbal. They want more usable information packed into fewer words. Most marriage improvement books just aren't written this way.

[QueenAngie]

99% of men think about these things in no particular order:

sports on tv and having the remote in hand,

beer & food,

sex.

Until there is a big bump in the road, that sends everything jossling
and makes them think that they will have to change some of their behaviors.

[mcmama]

The website that sam suggested looks good. I think it has easy to follow steps for both sexes.

I got really fed up with being berated with quotes from the Mars/Venus book because no matter what I said my ex decided I wasn't saying it right for him to understand - but his tone of voice, self centered behavior, and outright cold contempt were all too easy to understand.

Communication works both ways.

[kelliz]

man are conciuos about their married life. i don't know for all men but my husband is very caring and understands me. he does not do things that will disturb our married life.

[hennypenny]

I'd also like to add, that my fiance has never read a book about strengthening our relationship. But for that matter, nor have I. There are so many other ways to strengthen a relationship, but I do know if we both thought a book would strengthen our union, we wouldn't hesitate to.