[jdh09]

Ill try to make a long story short. My husband and I have been together four years. We made four years September 12, 2009. I was hesitant to marry him in the beginning because he had two little girls. We got married anyways and began to try and make the blended family work, I was very positive about making my new family work. Of course the issues began to roll in concerning how things should change since i was in his life rules and other little things etc. My husband was awarded custody of the girls so it was him and them before i came. So i understood not being easily accepted right away because they had a bond. I went thru not being accepted now for 4 years and being underminded and disrespected by the girls all this time as well as my husband not standing up for me. About 2 years ago the oldest child left. She became very rebellious and chose to go stay with her biop mom because she could get away with things there.(The bio mom is very neglectful and thats why custody was awarded to my husband). Anyways the issue im needing advice on is the situation im facing with the younger child who stayed. She is now 11 and has been very manipulating, dominating and controlling in our home. I try to stand up and set things in place but im not listened to. And my husband is afraid if he stands upo and puts his foot down she will leave too. Recently i told him i would like for her to go stay with her mother. Because i have been here since i was 21 and im now about to be 26 and im pregnant with our second child and things have not changed. and ive never felt like ive belonged or had a home ar a real marriagle because of all the conflict. He agrees but the daughter says she wants to stay and we believe its only for monetary reasons because she's spoiled and the mother wont give as much. My husbands says the way i feel is part his fault becausst he hasnt stood up like he should over the years because he feared them leaving. and he has underminded me. I WAN TO KNOW AM I WRONG FOR NOT WANTING TO TRY ANYMORE AND WANTING HIM TO SEND HER TO HER MOHTER AT THIS POINT?

[stillparentingafteralltheseyears]

You ask if you are wrong for not wanting to try anymore and wanting your husband to send his daughter to her mother. When you got together with your husband, you knew he had 2 daughters. You state you chose to get married anyway and that he had custody of the girls before you come along. Since you went into the marriage knowing these facts and you are now pregnant with your 2ND child, then you must continue to try!! Your stepdaughters are the siblings of your children. Your husband has made the important step of admitting his part in this negative situation. Now you can make the next step by telling him you want to have a happy home that includes his daughter(s) and your children. Make a list of what behaviors you wish him to change in his handling of his daughter, what you want her to change and what you are willing to change. With patience, love and understanding, this can be done! The only way that adults can be controlled and/or manipulated by an 11 y/o is if the adults allow it to happen. You and your husband need to be the united front and if his daughter chooses to follow her sister, then so be it. But give your husband the chance to help you put the necessary changes into place for your family.

[jdh09]

Well put thank you. It helps alot. And if he continues to ignore things and not stand up and make changes as he has for the past few years.... then what should I do?

[stillparentingafteralltheseyears]

Having been in a situation similar to yours (I had 2 children, he had 3 girls, I chose to wait to have children together until things with his girls improved,which they never did) I understand your frustration. My ex, his girls and I went to years of therapy, to no avail. He was so terrified of losing the love of his girls, and so used to them manipulating him that he could or would not implement the suggestions of the therapists. After nearly 8 years together and over 4 years of the emotional roller coaster, his inability to stand up for me and many broken promises, he took his youngest daughter and left, breaking my heart and devastating my 2 children. We have seen one another only 3 times since then, and over 14 years later, the fact that he was so powerless to do anything to rectify the situation,it still hurts.

Your situation is different in that you have 2 children with this man. You will be forever tied to him and his daughters. Even if you leave you will still have to see him and possibly his daughters. Your children will be associating with his girls and also whoever he choses to get involved with after you. With that in mind, you need to do whatever you can to make your marriage and family work. From my experience, it is likely his younger daughter may return to her mother anyway. We had a revolving door (not my choice) with my ex's girls for our entire relationship.

If you look at it from their point of view, they have been thrust into a situation that they did not ask for. Their parents have divorced. Their mother does not care for them properly. They have had to deal with their father's attention now being on a step-mother and 2 siblings. They went from being the center of their father's attention to only getting 1/5 of the attention. These are all major issues they are being forced to contend with. Add in their father's inability to be an effective parent and these girls have a lot to contend with. This does not excuse their behavior, but should help you see where they are coming from.

The biggest issue here is your husband's. He is torn between you and the family the two of you have made, and his girls. If he can be made to see that he needs to step up and become a united front with you, the two of you can do what is necessary for your family to work. Getting him to see this and be willing to do what is necessary will not be easy, but for the sake of the 2 children you have made together, it must be done. The two of you need to decide on a plan of action and strive to put it into place. First, the two of you must get on the same page and make a plan. You both made the committment to marry and have children together. Decide together, what are your expectations for his girls? What is their place in your family? What will their consequences for not following family rules be? This process will take time. There are old habits to break and a new plan to put into place.

You ask what you should do if he chooses not to be willing to help change this negative situation. Only you can make that decision. Leaving will not solve the problem, as previously stated and will likely cause you and your children a great deal of stress and pain. Focus on trying to make the new family you and your hausband have created work for all of your sakes.

[jdh09]

Wow! sounds like your can really relate to what im dealing witth here. Well i continue to try and try to make our family work. Its been for years now. Im jus so exausted from trying, im tired of the division in my home. i feel cheated because there has never been any peace. i feel like i havent had a chance to experience a full happy marriage or home. yes i chose to accept my husband with his daughters but i had no idea things would be like this. I was very young when i married. I was 21 he was 30. Im not making excuses but I was very green.

I understand what you mean when you say we must create a united front. And i go over this with my husband over and over but when we try this he seems to fold at the first sign of his daughter not being in agreement with the changes and rules we try to set in place. i call it manipulation. For years he pampered and babied and felt guilty for walking away from there mother..so much that he is use to it and even though he's married now and i try to be the best mother role i can be to them he wont break that cycle.

I dont understand this. Why is it so hard? i know the position the chilren are in. They didnt ask for this..but at the same time I dont think its right for a marriage to be ruined because he cant get a hold of his kids. Im at the end of the rope and I dont want to try anymore. I find myself cutting my feelings and my emotions of for him because im afraid we're not going to make it. That way i wont be so hurt.

Another reason i question sending his daughter to her mom is because she only states she stays or wants to stay with us for monetary reasons. She says her mother is not stable. Because of that i feel like we're only being used....

I can go on and on but im just not happy anymore. Four years should be more than enuff for a child to fall in place..ive given all the effort i can give. He even says he thinks its best in his heart for her to go stay with her mother but his mind and emotions wont let him send her.

I dnt know...i need a resolution!

[jdh09]

Wow! sounds like your can really relate to what im dealing witth here. Well i continue to try and try to make our family work. Its been for years now. Im jus so exausted from trying, im tired of the division in my home. i feel cheated because there has never been any peace. i feel like i havent had a chance to experience a full happy marriage or home. yes i chose to accept my husband with his daughters but i had no idea things would be like this. I was very young when i married. I was 21 he was 30. Im not making excuses but I was very green.

I understand what you mean when you say we must create a united front. And i go over this with my husband over and over but when we try this he seems to fold at the first sign of his daughter not being in agreement with the changes and rules we try to set in place. i call it manipulation. For years he pampered and babied and felt guilty for walking away from there mother..so much that he is use to it and even though he's married now and i try to be the best mother role i can be to them he wont break that cycle.

I dont understand this. Why is it so hard? i know the position the chilren are in. They didnt ask for this..but at the same time I dont think its right for a marriage to be ruined because he cant get a hold of his kids. Im at the end of the rope and I dont want to try anymore. I find myself cutting my feelings and my emotions of for him because im afraid we're not going to make it. That way i wont be so hurt.

Another reason i question sending his daughter to her mom is because she only states she stays or wants to stay with us for monetary reasons. She says her mother is not stable. Because of that i feel like we're only being used....

I can go on and on but im just not happy anymore. Four years should be more than enuff for a child to fall in place..ive given all the effort i can give. He even says he thinks its best in his heart for her to go stay with her mother but his mind and emotions wont let him send her.

I dnt know...i need a resolution!

[stillparentingafteralltheseyears]

There is no easy resolution to this situation. Youcan 1) stay and work it out with your husband being willing to get on board and be an effective parent to these girls 2) stay with things being the way they are 3) leave with your children and deal with the consequences stated in my previous post. You have to decide what you can live with. Blending a family is difficult. None of us know how hard it can to be. This is why the majority of remarriages have so many problems.

My suggestion is to wait until after the baby is born to make a decision. Hang in there and give your husband time to make the necessary changes. I have been in your position and know just how difficult it can be.

The most ironic thing in my situation is that after our divorce, each of my stepdaughters contacted me and apologised profusely for the havoc they caused and their part in our divorce. Unfortunately for us, too little too late.

[jdh09]

I hear what you're saying however the way im feeling I think im just going to discuss this with him again because I think the best resolution is for her to stay with her mother.