[sweetiepie212]

HI... I'm new here.... would appreciate any thoughts on my issue of the day.... my highly-intelligent, top-of-the-class, probably Valedictorian daughter has been planning for years to attend the best college possible, within our financial means... planned on getting a merit-based scholarship (hopefully) to help... has looked at a small, expensive, well-ranked private school and loved it. She has had a boyfriend for the past two years. They are very close, their dating has been limited to group dates and they both spend time at our house and his parents' house. Boyfriend will probably have a baseball scholarship... he is waiting to hear from a couple of schools. All of the schools he is interested in (or they are interested in him) are not schools that she has ever shown an interest in. HOWEVER, now she has announced that she would really like to attend the same school he attends, wherever that might be. He is limited by what offers he gets.... he doesn't have much choice... his family is dependent on his getting the scholarship so that he can attend college. We are able to send her to college, with or without a merit scholarship.... but we would like for her to be within 300-500 miles of home. The places he is considering are much farther than that.... although one is within reasonable distance (about 450 miles away)... She has announced that she will "be miserable" if she can't be wherever he is... If the school that he goes to is within our distance limits, do you think we should allow her to go.... if it is a decent school (although not one of our top picks)....???? She would know NO ONE except the boyfriend (although several of the schools she is interested in would also have no one she knows there...) This boy is very responsible, polite, well-mannered, and a fine Christian young man... my daughter... ditto. They are a great couple, and very mature for their age. I honestly could not have picked a finer boyfriend for her... I just want her to get the best education she can.... The schools he is interested in (or they're interested in him) are not top schools, but they are decent... What do you think about all of this?? (sorry this is so long.... really appreciate any input anyone can share with me!)

[twinzplus3]

I don't think it will matter where she goes to be honest. I found that once I got out of college no one cared where anyone else's degree was from. Not only that but a lot of times I think a top student can do better at a 2nd school because they have more opportunities by standing out a little more. (Did that make sense?)

I think if I were in your shoes (although I have many years to go), I would likely set certain perameters that you would prefer to see. And from there withdraw financial support. For example, you can go to school 'D' that's far away and we'll pay for it but you'll have to get a job and pay for half of your way home. (Or whatever seems reasonable.) I think making her at least partially financially responsible for the decision will cause reflection and that's always a good thing.
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[poliscmjr]

I have no children but I can relate to this story. My brother in high school was top in his class, class president, everyone love him. He was the student that got involved in everything. His high school was sad to see him graduate.

On to my story...My brother picked out a small college with a lot of campus life. He chose it for the science programs. He had to live on campus but it was close enough for him to come home for the holiday's (actually I went and saw him last night!). When he was in middle school a girl liked him and stalked him out for years until my brother finally gave in and started dating her. They dated all through high school, and she decided that she was going to follow him to college. My parents thought it was a bad idea and did express it however she went anyway.

It was fine in the beginning I guess the first year or so. The girlfriend then realized what fun it was to be on campus and began seeing other people on campus. Thus breaking up with my brother. My brother was so distraught that his grades fell, and he actually went into depression where he sought help. The school is very small and they see each other all the time.

My suggestion would be steer your daughter to another school. One of her choice and if it is meant to be with the two of them then at the end of the 4 years they will be together again. They could also see each other during the school year as well.

Sorry this is kind of long!

[sweetiepie212]

Thanks so much.... I have thought of adding parameters/conditions, and it makes sense, especially since we will be footing the bill for all of the travel back and forth, unless we DO set parameters. I also don't believe it really matters that much as far as what college you go to. Would like for her to go to the best place she can, but in the end, I guess I won't be hung up on 'prestigious' places... she is so smart and has done so well, I believe she'll thrive probably anywhere she goes. She seeks out the challenging courses. This is tough! Didn't really want to see this coming, and had thought they might even break up by the time college came around.... was WRONG as usual. ha ha... really like this boy, and didn't necessarily want them to break up, but hate to see her so committed so early.... anyway, thanks again for replying!

Originally Posted by twinzplus3

I don't think it will matter where she goes to be honest. I found that once I got out of college no one cared where anyone else's degree was from. Not only that but lot of times I think a top student can do better at a 2nd school because they have more opportunities by standing out a little more. (Did that make sense?)

I think if I were in your shoes (although I have many years to go), I would likely set certain perameters that you would prefer to see. And from there withdraw financial support. For example, you can go to school 'D' that's far away and we'll pay for it but you'll have to get a job and pay for half of your way home. (Or whatever seems reasonable.) I think making her at least partially financially responsible for the decision will cause reflection and that's always a good thing.
.

[sweetiepie212]

Thanks..... interesting hearing it from your brother's perspective. I hope he is happier now, and depression is not ongoing.... I have told daughter that "if this is meant to be, it will be, whether it is now, or 4 years from now... if your relationship is really love and you know you want to be together forever, then go to your choice of schools, hang on for 4 years (after all, if it's love, it will sustain anything!).... then carry on with being together wherever you want after college!" I've also said, "maybe you should go to your choice of schools for the first year, get your first taste of being away from home and begin your college education, and then if you're still in love and determined to be at the same school, then transfer...." but in some ways, I would hate to push that.... getting her to attend her 'choice' school, albeit reluctantly, and then having the drama of "I miss him so much I can't concentrate" and having a bad freshman year, simply because of the drama.... this is tough.... we have a great relationship, and it is parent-child and not me trying to be her friend... I believe she respects me and doesn't want to 'let me down'... She has done so well with school and her life in general.... very mature and responsible. I believe she can handle being away, etc. I just feel like she's following his dream instead of her own... even though she has no CLUE what she wants to do or be or major in... that also makes it easier for her to 'follow him'....
Sorry I'm so wordy.... thanks for your reply....

Originally Posted by poliscmjr

I have no children but I can relate to this story. My brother in high school was top in his class, class president, everyone love him. He was the student that got involved in everything. His high school was sad to see him graduate.

On to my story...My brother picked out a small college with a lot of campus life. He chose it for the science programs. He had to live on campus but it was close enough for him to come home for the holiday's (actually I went and saw him last night!). When he was in middle school a girl liked him and stalked him out for years until my brother finally gave in and started dating her. They dated all through high school, and she decided that she was going to follow him to college. My parents thought it was a bad idea and did express it however she went anyway.

It was fine in the beginning I guess the first year or so. The girlfriend then realized what fun it was to be on campus and began seeing other people on campus. Thus breaking up with my brother. My brother was so distraught that his grades fell, and he actually went into depression where he sought help. The school is very small and they see each other all the time.

My suggestion would be steer your daughter to another school. One of her choice and if it is meant to be with the two of them then at the end of the 4 years they will be together again. They could also see each other during the school year as well.

Sorry this is kind of long!

[mcmama]

My son wanted to go to the same college as some friends but it was not the total thing about his decision. Nevertheless, he was just so sure about SUNY Purchase - and within the first few weeks realized he had made a big mistake. Not challenging enough for him and the drug situation in the dorm was out of control.

He fell in love with a girl he met while visiting his friend's college - and when he transferred out of SUNY, he went there. Small liberal arts college. He was happy as could be. The college was a great fit. He graduated magnacum laude this year.

The thing is, during the process of falling in love with the girl, he also saw what he liked about the college that he was not getting at SUNY Purchase. So it is sort of a process that is the reverse of what your daughter is taking.

The girlfriend of his best friend followed him to college too. It was a good fit as a college, and the parents had been involved in the choice.

These people have either graduated or are now in their senior year. Neither of these couples are still together at the moment. People grow and change, and it is hard to see this at 18. College presents all sorts of new opportunities for friends and development.

I would dissuade her from following him, but show her ways that she can remain in touch frequently. If you are in an area where there are a lot of schools, like Boston or NYC, NJ, etc, they are fairly close together and it is not hard to spend weekends together.

As an example of how people change - my oldest is just starting grad school in NYC. He has never been a sports fan, something which endeared him to his former girlfriend. But now, with new friends and $9 tickets at the college to Yankee games - he's going to the game! He would not have done this if he were still in the relationship. He still sees the girl, but I think they both appreciate not being tied down.

[MiaCamille]

Well from my own experience, i didn't go to the best schools and before i decided to become a SAHM i work at great paying jobs, and earned a living just fine. I think lots of it has to do with the person and how hard she is willing to work..

[bkallens]

I had essentially the reverse situation. My boyfriend and I had dated for the last two years of HS and graduated as co-valedictorians together. I was very limited financially in where I could go, but he got accepted to several top tier schools and had the financial ability to attend those. He ended up coming to the state school where I had picked. After only a few months at college we ended up breaking up. By that point, he was at a school he loved, doing well in his program, and had no desire to go anywhere else. We remained friends and both graduated from the school and he is now a very successful engineer. I think the biggest thing we had going for us is that we both genuinely loved that college and wanted to attend there.
Now, a bit of personal opinion here. I am the 'smart' one in the family and my family expected that since I was valedictorian, etc. that I would go on and do something great careerwise. I'm about to finish my Master's degree now and I am pregnant with our first child. As soon as that baby's born, my priority will be with him and my husband, not on advancing my career. Just because someone has greater academic ability does not make them any different in their desires for what is important in life. Just a little personal note

[sweetiepie212]

THANK YOU so much for that perspective.... so interesting to hear about 2 h.s. kids (you and ex-boyfriend) who were co-valedictorians... who really did exactly what I am talking about! That is helpful. I've thought about that possibility of the two of them breaking up within 6 months of getting there.... guess we'll cross that bridge when/if we get there..... On the flip side of that, I am certain that these 2 level-headed and smart kids will not do anything crazy (like run off and get married to avoid being apart ( Aggghhhhh!!!!))... I know my daughter will do well, probably wherever she is... I know her boyfriend will do well.... I guess I'm concerned, because this school is a state school.... not the top state school in its state.... but a decent school as far as I can tell... just don't know enough about it. (Will definitely visit it if this continues to be a real possibility...) It is not in MY state. There are no other students from her h.s. planning to attend this school.... only her and her boyfriend.... it would be a different state (but in my region of the country)... no friends... only boyfriend. Assuming it is a great school (even though not one of my picks), I guess there is no problem with her going there.... just not what we had planned... don't know what we will do... we will be paying out-of-state tuition (but we would be doing that anyway with the other schools she was interested in).... guess she will get a good education.... good experience on her own (?).... and this school does have an "honors program" which I believe we would look into if she were to go there.... since it's not a top school, I believe the honors program is worth considering (provided she could get into the honors prog., and I think/hope/assume she can(!))... anyway... I know that just because she's "smart", it doesn't mean her dreams and desires are different from anyone else, I know that.... thanks for your perspective (I really need all the help I can get!!!)

[twinzplus3]

Originally Posted by sweetiepie212

really like this boy, and didn't necessarily want them to break up, but hate to see her so committed so early.... anyway, thanks again for replying!

You know it's funny bc I know that traditional wisdom (and in fact what I would advise others if speaking face to face) is to wait until later. Indeed 18, 19 etc. is really young to be committed to someone and no doubt she has plenty of time. But our whole family got married early. . .we were 21 and we were the oldest. My dh's siblings all got married at 18 or 19. Of course you've said nothing of the 'm' word and it's totally different when we're talking about our own children-no? It's great that my in-laws got married early and great for us too but by golly gosh my own daughters better wait until they're 30. . .or more.