[kiddobeans]

Infertility can be really tough. My husband and I struggled with infertility for two years before eventually opting for adoption. It was a very hard time for us, and it seemed like everyone wanted to help us out, but no one knew what to do. Drawing on my own experience, I wrote up this list of suggestions for my blog kiddobeans.com. I hope it will help you find ways to support your friends through this difficult time.

1) Don't Bring It Up, Especially in Public
If you friend has great news, she'll probably be excited to share it with you. So don't ask. I found that, especially as time went on, I couldn't talk about it without crying. And then everybody in the room saw me crying and wanted to know what was going on, so I had to keep talking, and keep crying. It was a vicious circle.

2) Steer The Conversation Away from Babies
When women or couples in their twenties and thirties get together they tend to talk about kids, pregnancy, birth, and babies. When I didn't have kids and desperately wanted them, these conversations hurt in two ways. First, I couldn't participate. What did I know about any of that stuff? Second, it reinforced my perception that everyone but me was pregnant. That made not being pregnant even worse. So, be your friend's wingman. You can make get-togethers a whole lot more fun for her.

3) Ask About Her Life
There are some women who only talk about kids and babies. There are others who discuss world politics, jobs, religion, home improvement, and a bunch of other stuff. Be the latter for your friend. Her life is more than infertility. Ask about her job, her interests, etc. For me, those conversations helped me feel like a normal person with a normal life instead of a walking ad for Fertility Centers of Illinois.

4) Watch Your Words
A friends once asked me how many kids I wanted. "Four to six" I said. Her response was, "Well, you'd better get started then!" Ha ha ha. Like I hadn't thought about that every five minutes for the last year. Her thoughtless remark still stings a little bit. So be careful what you joke about. (In my opinion, no one should ever joke or tease about getting pregnant, because you never know who has a hidden struggle. Infertility is a sensitive issue, and many people aren't going to tell you that they're going through it.)

5) Don't Make Suggestions
Any statement that begins with "You should really.." should really be carefully considered. Suggestions like "just relax" or "try yoga" or "take herbs" or "lose some weight" or "take a vacation" are well meant, but not helpful. There is no magic formula for getting pregnant. Trying to control every little thing and act on every suggestion can become an obsession for an infertile women. Also, be careful about suggestions of doctors or adoption agencies. Beginning infertility treatments or choosing adoption is a very personal decision and your friend may not be emotionally ready to go down that road.

6) If She Wants to Talk About It, Validate Her Feelings
The best thing a friend ever said to me when I was struggling was “You know what, that sucks!” Thank you! After all the, “I know your going to get pregnant”, “You're going to be a great Mom someday”, “I know that there is a kid out there for you”, etc. someone finally acknowledged that infertility is really hard and really unpleasant and that I felt really horrible a lot of the time.

7) Validate Her Choices
If she chooses to adopt, be enthusiastic and excited for her! If she wants to continue infertility treatment, be supportive (unless she is considering something that you feel is morally ambiguous). If she wants to take a break, be understanding.


Most of my above comments have one thing in common. I encourage you to take cues from your friend. Be sensitive. No matter how you show it, she will appreciate your support.

[MissyChrissy]

These are really good points. I hope I'm like that...I'll try to be more conscience, that's for sure. At least around those I know who are struggling.

[LuckyBuffie]

One thing that is reaaaly annoying is when people say "You can watch my kids anytime!", or "You really are lucky because kids are alot of work". Are they trying to make me feel better? Seriously I don't want to babysitt your kids, I want my own! And yessss kids are alot of work, please don't think that just b/c I don't have any of my own, that I am clueless. These are the things I hear most often, or get rolls of eyes when I say I look forward to the work. Some people so take for granted that they so easily had kids and are really insensitive. All of your points are great.

[landj111]

Originally Posted by LuckyBuffie

One thing that is reaaaly annoying is when people say "You can watch my kids anytime!", or "You really are lucky because kids are alot of work". Are they trying to make me feel better? Seriously I don't want to babysitt your kids, I want my own! And yessss kids are alot of work, please don't think that just b/c I don't have any of my own, that I am clueless. These are the things I hear most often, or get rolls of eyes when I say I look forward to the work. Some people so take for granted that they so easily had kids and are really insensitive. All of your points are great.

There will alway be the unsensitive types just like a girl I work with. She is now PG and even though she struggled with infertility herself she has no remorse about throwing her pregnancy in my face everyday.

[LovingJesusinAZ]

Thanks for that article. Infertility is not something I've struggled with, however some of my friends have and one of my husband's cousins just finished her 4th round of IVF. As far as my friend, after 5 years of being unable to get pregnant they got their little miracle this spring when they adopted a little boy.

For those of you who have been there . . . can you help me insure I am not accidently insenstive? For example, two Christmas' ago we had just found out I was pregnant. I was really nervous about Christmas because I knew we'd see my husband's cousin and I knew they'd been struggling for years to have a baby. Her brother's wife was in her 2nd trimester and I was 6 weeks along with our first so I could only imagine what she was feeling. I chose to not discuss the baby when she was in the room--unless she brought it up (which she did and I did my best to answer her questions and nothing more to not drag out the conversation and therefore make her uncomfortable).
Just after this cousin and her husband began the adoption process another family member found out she is pregnant. We are the only family members who don't live in the small town my hubby grew up in so we only see them during holidays. I know it has to be rough for her seeing so many babies in the family so close together. (3 in less than a year just on her side).

How should I have handled the situation and how should I in the future, since we are planning on adding to our family?

[quagmire8]

it sounds like you handled the situation the best way possible. it hurts no matter what, but the thing that hurt me the most was people complaining about pregnancy symptoms. when i got pg, there were quite a few people i work with who got pg within the same cycle. i was the only one who miscarried. it always hurt the worst when they complained about the nausea, getting 'fat', and such. i would have traded places with them in a second. i would have given just about anything to have nausea (which indicates good hormone levels=a good pregnancy), gain healthy pregnancy weight, etc. towards the end of their pregnancies (and towards what would have been my due date), my pain was easing (although not a day went by that i didnt think about my lost baby), and i was able to understand their complaining a little better. i was able to tolerate it, but i never was able to feel sorry for them. but everybody who struggles with fertility issues is different, and different things can hurt. thank you for being aware of the feelings of people around you, just the awareness makes a big difference!