[JAJO]

Hi. I'm new hear and I'm having issues with my hubby. We've been married almost seven years and I'm at the point where I'm just numb. My hubby is trying to start his own business and is trying to go from 0 to 60. We both work full time jobs, but we don't have any chikdren yet. Anyways, he has a side business and he wants me to also give 100% effort towards his business goals. I don't mind helping, but there is not a whole lot to do. He started the business in October and initially bought $200 worth of signs to advertise. Then he started telling me I needed to call around to newspapers, etc., to get prices on advertising. We have just enough money from our full time jobs to pay the bills and don't have extra money to pay for advertising. I think the signs are a good idea and low in cost. Newspaper ads sometimes cost $600 and up. I told my husband to just be patient and all small businesses start out slow, but he feels that is negative talk and he only wants to hear the positive. And anytime he makes money with one of his side jobs, it is being spent on more materials and advertising to keep it going. This is not the first time he has tried to start up a small business and used our income to make it happen and put us in a financial mess. He keeps telling me that he's disappointed in me that I'm not giving him all of my effort to make it happen and how he's stressed out. I work a full time job, I keep our house clean and I handle the finances. I have enough stress. He decided he wanted a website and spent almost $500 for that. That was totally ridiculous and when I told him he didn't need it, he said he's the one making the extra money and he's gonna do it. He put a $500 watch in lay-a-way. Our car payments are barely current; what does he need with a $500 watch??? I clean up by myself and he feels he shouldn't have to because he works a "second" job. He will call me at work and tell me to look stuff up and tells me to always keep my mind focused on the business. Now he's talking about how his full time job is annoying and he hates his bosses and wants to strictly work for himself. I'm not going down that road again. The last time that happened, we lost things and our credit was ruined. I feel like he doesn't understand that small businesses take time and patience. I feel like he's taking gambles with our lives and financial stability. He keeps telling me that he's not the same person he used to be and that he is more financially responsible and I need to let go of the past and trust him, but I feel like we are about to repeat the same cycles. I feel numb to him. He's overall a good husband. He's not a cheater, a liar or abusive, but he is totally irresponsible when it comes to money and I'm always left to fix his problems. Then he pulls the "I'm the head of the household and you need to follow my lead...that's what the Bible says." I feel like I'm on a sinking ship. Any advice?

[mcmama]

Ask to see his formal business plan. Has he incorporated? Are you a sole proprietorship or an LLC?

In some areas, Service Corp of Retired Executives gives free or low cost training on starting businesses. Check out their podcasts.

Seriously, call his bluff on this "business". He sounds like he's just flapping, Ralph Kramden style, and wearing you down to nothing.

[1stTimeMomOf2]

Wow. First off I agree with you that small businesses do take time to get on the right track. My dh and his former boss had their small business for years and it was sinking because of his bosses poor money management skills. Dh finally got tired of the situation after years of me prodding him to speak up and stick up for his soon to be family (I was pregnant at the time) and he put his foot down. They decided to turn it into a partnership and start fresh. I am a SAHM and I have a background in accounting so I was able to take on the bookkeeping aspect of his business no problem and it has been working out great so far. I do understand how stressful it can be and I do understand how you feel. My dh sometimes wants me to do more but I have explained it to him that it's hard for me to be the business woman during the day and be a mom to twin almost 1 year olds. He has since backed off.
Now on to your situation. If your husband has tried this before and not succeeded he has to be understanding of your lack of enthusiasm. It doesn't make sense to me for him to spend your family's money on things that you can't afford...$500 watch? Excuse me!...maybe there is another way he can get financing. Is there someone else who has a similar vision and who can go into business with him? Maybe they can front the necessary starting money if they make an agreement that they'll get reimbursed once the company gets off it's feet.
It's a big deal and all I can really say is try to stick it out. Maybe he'll realize that he needs help and you just aren't the one to do it, or maybe it will take you telling him that this is affecting your marriage and it shouldn't come to that.
Good luck!

[godteachesme]

BE CAREFUL. First of all, I am sharing this from 17 years of experience in my second marriage...I was married 5 years in the first marriage. My husband is a marriage counselor.... and we have our share of communication clarifications... this is what you need right now.
I wrote be careful because the reality is when you start throwing around the words divorce or even HINTING at it..satan moves in... As bad as my marriage was the first time... the divorce is very difficult. I had a very wise counselor in the first marriage who advised me that I needed to be sure to give 120 % to the marriage... For you...that does not mean do all the chores... it does not mean you give into his business schemes...It means that you try you damdest to come to an agreement .... terms need to be set ... clear communication of what he expects.. and what you expect.
Next, the Lord only said that we follow our husbands as they follow the Lord. Priesthood power is gentle and kind, easy to be entreated...NOT demanding. If he expects you to follow him and uses the" Because he is the head of the home" is unrighteous dominion.. and He is not following God.
Men respond to unconditional respect.. Woman respond to unconditional love. We cannot get love if theydon't get respect.
I strongly suggest your pray for guidance... forums such as these are nice...but none of us will stand with you before the judgement bar.... you and your husband will be responsible for the success or failure of this marriage.
I have had to pray for feelings of love to come back to me...hec, I have had to beg for the Lord to help me love my husband...when I was being over judgemental... OR when he hurt me so deeply...trust me you can get past these NUMB feelings. Been there ..done that... UNTIL you are so tired that you have nothing left to give...don't even think the D word...
Communication... prayer... pray together...read together..
This is no time to ignore sound doctrine....

[JAJO]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. I saw a therapist once a couple of weeks ago and I will tell DH that he has to go to my next session. We need marital counseling. The reason I started therapy is b/c he said I hadn't been supportive of him concerning the business and that I have issues I need to deal with to be a better wife. He said I had thirty days to see a counselor or he's going to call it quits. When I sat in my therapist's office for an hour and a half, I decided that the issues are not "mines", but "ours". I will pray and give it some time and counseling, but I won't allow him to make me his puppet by using the Bible to control me.

[browneyes01]

Let him no your concerns and reassure him that you are not rying to kill his dreams but that he has to remember that he has other responsiblities. Don't get to mad you don't want your anger to express the wrong attitude to him continue to encourage him about his dreams but at the same time he needs to be real you guys are living off your jobs and can't put your extra money into a business that might not make it.

[mcmama]

Um, he buys a $500 watch and tells you that you have issues? Excuse me?

Maybe you do have issues. We all do. But he clearly is not owning his. And his use of the Bible to push you around is not truly what Christian marriage is all about. He needs counseling too, to deal with his arrogance and accept his fault in all of this.

[jkvkdailey]

Another point of view - I had serious doubts about my marriage around the 7 year mark as well. Maybe there is something to the old "7 year itch" phrase. Not to diminish the things you are dealing with, but keep that in mind as well. DH and I have now been married 11 1/2 years and I couldn't love him any more - faults and all

If he agrees to go to counseling with you, if he agrees to make his business more "formal" (business plan, separate checking account for the business, careful control of expenses, etc), then I have no doubt that you will make it. Try to forgive him for the "head of household" comment, men (and women) say dumb things sometimes when they are trying to make a point.

Kim