[adopting_daddy]

Hello,
I am new to this forum and would like some guidance. My wife and I are in process of adopting three siblings (two girls and a boy). The 4 year old boy has been living with us since the middle of April and everything was going well. His sisters are 6 and 7 and lived in a different foster home then he did. They started visiting with us on weekends about a month ago and moved in to live with us two weeks ago. During the past week, the 4 year old boy has become more aggitated and he is having difficulting at day care and at home. At daycare, he sometimes refuses to listen to adults and will try to run out of the classroom. He was sent home twice last week. At home, he is now having terrible tantrums if he breaks a rule and gets sent to his room. We usually have to carry him to his room because he refuses to go. He will then try to run out of his room and throw things around. We continue to put him back and will sometimes hold him on our lap as he screams and cries to keep him safe. All his toys and other items have been removed from his room as consequences also. Both of his sisters are doing well. I would like any suggestions people may have to help the 4 year old through this time. Is this normal for a 4 year old? Should we try other types of discipline? Any help would be appreciated.

Thank you,
adopting_daddy

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Congrats on your new daughters and son! You have an instant family.

Do you have other children, or are these 3 your 1st?

Lots of changes for all of you.

I'd have to say that the 4 year old is past the honeymoon
"being on best behavior" stage of moving into your home.

I do not know how long he was separated from his 2 sisters or what type of home life he had prior to coming to your home.

Does he need counseling? All of you are trying to bond, love, and learn to trust each other.

Holding and helping him to overcome his tantrum is good. Giving time outs are also good.

He doesn't have any toys at all to play with now because of his behavior? I think he needs at least 1 toy. Apparently he had a room full of new toys before his sisters arrived.

I have always noted in a misbehaving child (not necessarily adopted) is that the one that has the negative behavior/acting out......is the child that needs addition 1 on 1 time, more hugs and kisses, more "I love you's!"

Being that you are the new Dad, maybe he needs more 1 on 1 time with you as a role model.

My other thought is that boys use large muscles. They need to run, jump, move, and use those large muscles. Is he having playtime outside?

I'm certain that other friends will share their own thoughts!

All the best!

[MissyChrissy]

I'm only going to speculate and offer that perhaps his sisters moving back in with him has triggered some painful memories(?). He may not even have actual memories, but fear associated with them...depending on why they were in foster care to begin with of course.

I think therapy would probably be beneficial. Hang in there...with love and support, you all can overcome this.

[4GiftsfromGod]

Hi, I have adopted two Older children ages who were 2 & 7 at the time and I’m now adopting 2 more older Children ages 10 and 5.
I’m having the same problem with my 3 year old she was OK for the fist three months then out of the blue she started acting badly. I was told it’s because she "Testing me" she wants to make sure that I’m not going to abandon her.
I agree with the others get some therapy but don’t take his toys away that could make it worse (it has with me.) Also having his sisters moving in could be the cause if it he may think because they are there that you will pay less attention him.
The best advice I can give you is make sure you give all three of them equal attention (sometimes I give my baby more attention then I do my girls that was HARD to stop) Seek therapy. And the most important thing is let him know that NO MATTER WHAT HE DOSE you will never send him back to the foster home. This will pass (hasn’t yet for me) in his time so be very patient.
I will be praying for you and you family good luck and congratulations on your new family.

[twinzplus3]

I would have to agree with MissyChrissy. Although we haven't adopted, I think getting two siblings at once is traumatic and you don't necessarily know (or maybe you do) what happened in the home before with those sisters.

We used to work pretty extensively with kids who are in the foster care system, and had been abused. I would suggest that staying hte course with firm and consistent discipline is good. MJ7 (who has adopted two special needs boys) swears by the book Parenting with Love and Logic so perhaps that would be a good read.

But for us, when our middle child was showing serious signs of jealousy and having issues when our twins were born ( and throughout their first two years), what did the trick was spending extra special time with her. Lots of it. HTH

[Adara]

We haven't adopted, but I can say, he needs his toys back. If he does something wrong, you can tell him, that if he doesn't stop you will take a special toy. But you need to give it back, since he still cannot think "longterm". He mostly will remember that you took his toys. Also he needs time to adjust to two more people in "his" home. Although he shouldn't be allowed to play his games on you, you should show a bit more patience and maybe even tell him how you feel. Our son is 2.5 and sometimes I tell him why people cry and what hurt. So when he does something that hurts me, I tell him so and why it does. By this he might understand that his parents have also feelings of fear, pride, anger and so on.

[swt1899]

Originally Posted by adopting_daddy

Hello,
I am new to this forum and would like some guidance. My wife and I are in process of adopting three siblings (two girls and a boy). The 4 year old boy has been living with us since the middle of April and everything was going well. His sisters are 6 and 7 and lived in a different foster home then he did. They started visiting with us on weekends about a month ago and moved in to live with us two weeks ago. During the past week, the 4 year old boy has become more aggitated and he is having difficulting at day care and at home. At daycare, he sometimes refuses to listen to adults and will try to run out of the classroom. He was sent home twice last week. At home, he is now having terrible tantrums if he breaks a rule and gets sent to his room. We usually have to carry him to his room because he refuses to go. He will then try to run out of his room and throw things around. We continue to put him back and will sometimes hold him on our lap as he screams and cries to keep him safe. All his toys and other items have been removed from his room as consequences also. Both of his sisters are doing well. I would like any suggestions people may have to help the 4 year old through this time. Is this normal for a 4 year old? Should we try other types of discipline? Any help would be appreciated.

Thank you,
adopting_daddy

I was adopted at a younger age than your child, but I sort of exhibited the same behavior myself around 6. My parents took me to a lady each week (Miss Lovey) whom later I found out (around 1 was a child psychologist. She worked with many kids from my school whom I knew well and I thought it was all a type of special fun day or something. I never knew the real meaning behind it all... and now I appreciated my parents not telling at age 6 that I was going to see a Dr for my behavior (which would have crushed me).
Miss Lovey had many acitvities for our group where we worked as a team. It was neat. When it was over I know that my parents gave me more ownership in things around the house. I don't know if it is embedded in adopted kids that we have to act out, but there are many resources out there.
Try giving your child some activities that he can take ownership of and praise them for doing the right things. Set up a reward system where they get their toys back one at a time or have an extra 5 minutes of play time. I loved stickers as a child and those were my rewards. I had a folder where I put them. By the time I was done with my Dr I had filled it completely. And I was doing a lot better with my parents, house rules, and working with others.
Children have favorite things... try working with those as a system. See how it goes.
Best wishes

[adopting_daddy]

Thank all of you for your advice. I have him on a waiting list for therapy and have been very consistent with praising good behavior and having consequences for bad behavior. He is much better at home and the tantrums are almost gone. However, he is still having problems in day care. He will have one or two really good days and then will behave so badly that my wife or I will have to pick him up. This includes being physical with other children and the teachers. When we have to pick him up he stays in his room for the rest of the day (he does come down to eat dinner). Any other suggestions to try to correct the behavior at his daycare?
Thank you

[tymee]

I would talk the the daycare providers and ask them what events lead up to the time he has his tantrums/bad behavior. Then talk to your little boy and ask him what lead up to his tantrum (of course after he has calmed down). By communicating with him and asking him, and listening to what he says before giving discipline will open the lines of communications between you and you may or may not realize that these episodes could be caused by something else.

My parents always talked to us when we go in trouble, or sent us to our rooms and a few minutes later came in and talked to us to get our side of the situation first, and then they took both sides of the story and determined whether or not we need further punishing, like a favo toy taken away...I find that punishing a kid because of hear say isnt the best because they will close up and begin to think...it doesnt matter if I am right or wrong by hitting this kid, I am still going to get in trouble...

My nephew was in a similar situation as your son at his daycare, came to find out another kid was severly bullying him, and my nephew was just acting out against the other kid and would get in trouble...

So in other words...try and get both sides of the story, and then take action from there.