[adoptionblessings]

Hi to Adoptees, Birth/First parents navigating the holidays with birth familes and adoptive families! After adoptees and birth parents reunite there is no special road map for this unknown destination. And one of the most challenging dimensions to reunion is establishing how the parties will progress after the intial contact. Differing expectations and wishes can arise between the persons who were searching and the party who was found. One party in the adoption reunion may desire a close intimate ongoing relationship, the other party may desire a one time reunion or only correspondence by snail mail, e-mail or phone, and some may be resistant and closed to contact. Knowing that persons are unique individuals with varying personalities is helpful when one steps into the realities of reunion. Personalities are impacted by family dymanics, ethnic/cultural and religious values, life experience & circumstances and one's unique emotional makeup. Also when persons reunite one party may be going through challenges, crisis or other life changes making reunion more difficult.
With the holidays soon approaching many emotions can be triggered in navigating adoption reunions. It is best not to walk blindly into the holidays on automatic without thinking ahead or sharing with others who have walked this journey. And for those in contact, communicating one's plans in visits, gift-giving should be communicated so to avoid miscommunications. Questions may arise such as: Should I send a Christmas or holiday card, photos? Do I buy a gift and how much should I spend- should it be personal or a more generic gift like a food basket? Do I include my new found family in my holiday activities, gatherings and how do I communicate my desire? How can I be sensitive to both my adoptive family and birth family and how do I balance the two and not hurt anyone's feelings? And for those whose contact with birth relatives is sporatic or cut off or uncomfortable- how does one navigate if they desire communication? What if I recently found out the person I was searching for is deceased? How does one handle comments and opinions of others- family and friends in regards to one's adoption reunion and the holidays?
Please share your experiences, suggestions, questions and comments. Hopefully this forum can help us in the family of adoption navigate this season most peacefully honoring all our relatives and keeping communication open.

*Some Suggestions :

*Share with others touched by adoption reunion to find understanding and insights like on this forum, local adoption support groups/online groups. If you do not have a group in your area but know another adoptee or birth mom locally, meet for coffee or call one another and share. You likely will be encouragement for one another and (Maybe you'll start your own local group together!)

*Reading books by others who have navigated adoption reunion can help one not feel so alone in the journey- a great book I would suggest Gathering the Missing Pieces of an Adopted Life by Kay Moore- an adoptee, with a perspective for adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents and suggestions and resources listed at the end of each chapter for each side of the adoption triad. Also Reconnected to My Belly Button by adoptee, Joy Budiensiek, The Missing Piece by birth mother Lee Ezell. Birthbond by Judith Gediman.Most of these titles are available on Amazon.com, adoptionshop.com and Half.com and other online book stores. Many local libraries can get these books on loan from other libraries within your state free of charge if one does not want to invest in the book.

*Find a creative outlet to your feelings: Journal your feelings, write poetry, paint, compose a song. Something beautiful may result from your creativity!

*For those who embrace a faith in God, prayer is a wonderful tool in finding peace and direction and comfort for unknowns. Personal and/or Prayer groups through a local church, or find a prayer partner who would pray regularly with you regarding your reunion.

* If you cannot be together for the holidays with your birth relatives or whatever reason- follow the tradition of some New England First Mothers who light a candle from 6pm until midnight on Christmas Eve for the persons they will be apart from during the holidays. Know that there is a family of others like you who are walking the same journey can be comforting and inspiring.

Share your ideas, experiences, questions, suggestions here! Would love to hear from any of you- need not be a long post- participation most welcome!

Blessings to you all as you travel your adoption journey this holiday season!
Jody Moreen, adoptee, reunited with birth sisters, and Editor Adoption Blessings Journal ( a "snail mail" Christian free outreach publication ) for the adoption triad-stories, testimonies, poems, book reviews by adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents.

[lolnancy]

I am a birth mother. I believe I know where and who my son is. He lives in the same state as me and is about an hour away from my home. I found him through a very reliable source, there is very little doubt that he is my son. He is 27 years old and has been contacted by Catholic S.S., in regards to meeting me and his father. He initally called C.S.S. and expressed interest in meeting with us. C.S.S. requires that he send in a form with identification and then we have to wait 30 days then if neither of us recinds on our decision to meet, we can meet. Well, he never responded to C.S.S. with the paperwork. They contacted him 2 more time and he has not responded. My question is - should I send him a Christmas card? The woman who found him for me says I should. She was an adoptee herself and she thinks that it would be okay. What do you think?

[adoptionblessings]

Thanks so much for sharing about your birth son and his not handing in the papers to progress toward contact or reunion. I know this must be very difficult for you especially with the holidays approaching. Can you send a Christmas card and note to him through this other person? The reason I suggest this is that there are a number of possibilities for why He has not responded. One reality could be that He had not thought of being found so many be processing many feelings and emotions that had not surfaced before.(Those who search have thought about reunion for some time- but the person found may be in a very different place of readiness) He likely knows that He was adopted, but in a few cases, adoptees are never told they are adopted. In my adoption support group work I have seen male adoptees be more hesitant toward reunions and also when they are young in their twenties, many seem not ready .( A woman in my local adoption group has been corresponding by e-mail with her son for over a year and He still is not ready to meet- but they do communicate quite regularly) I have read that often adoptees, especially males embrace loyalty issues (they carry the adoptive family name) and if they do not understand adoption and how things were- do not understand the longing of a birth mother. They also can fear the unknown and intimacy or how it would impact them or their adoptive family. Some feel they might "rock the boat". For some the timing is wrong for reunion due to various circumstances going on in their lives or relationships. Do not give up hope- and yes, I believe a nice beautiful but simple Christmas card with a couple paragraphs would be good. In this card you could reassure him that you are sensitive to his readiness to be contacted and let him know that you will respect his boundaries and timing.Be kind and loving but it is suggested that the first letter not be a spilling of alot of emotions and explanations - better more simple and sweet. You could suggest that you would be happy to hear if He got the note and some would suggest if you send a letter to send it certified so they have to sign- this way you know they got the letter and it did not get lost or intercepted by a family member. It is sad that many adoptees from the closed adoption system have misconceptions of their adoptions and why they were adopted, and no one ever talked about the possibility of searching and/or reunion. So when this emotional event comes, many are unprepared or scared or take the advice of their friends and family.
I always tell people not to "fill in the blanks" for we can think up 100's of ideas and reasons why someone would not reply and there is a good chance we would not be wrong. For me personally in my adoption search and waiting for my siblings to respond I embraced my Christian faith and prayed about my reunion and contact. This gave me great peace and patience to wait.
May you have peace and feel confident in sending a greeting for Christmas!
Blessings, Jody

[adoptionblessings]

Hi - Just a correction to my post- I mentioned that many times we can think of 100's of reasons why the other party will not respond in adoption search- and that we should not fill in the blank for it is likely we would guess wrong. It is wrong to speculate but only respond to true facts. It takes alot of energy to worry and contemplate and that can be emotionally exhausting! In my own personal life- I have learned to surrender these unknowns and waiting times to prayer and God's timing. Then I seem to be flooded with a wonderful peace and more patience in the waiting!
Blessings, Jody

[aura]

I have recently found my birthparents and am in contact with both. I found my birthfather in August of 2005, I am in contact with his brother and mom. My birthfather is in a home with the brain function of a 2 year old and is paralyzed and unable to speak, the result of a suicide attempt 25 years ago. The lady who runs the home he is in has read him a letter that I emailed her and feels that he understood the letter as he cried when she read it. I hope it has put him at peace, I have to believe this for both our sakes, as his brother told me that putting me up for adoption was his biggest regret. I did have to grieve for my birthfather and what we have both lost. I stay in contact with the lady who runs the home he is in and I am a part of his life now...
I found my birthmom in November of this year and mailed her a letter, she lives less than a mile away from me and she contacted me on Thanksgiving. We had our first face to face the next day as she lives less than 2 blocks from my work, I have waited on her several times and didn't even know it was her. She also works with my husband which was pretty shocking, she was right there all this time. We are in weekly contact and have included her in our Christmas plans. We always have a large family get together on Christmas Eve at our house, we have not invited her for this as all of my adoptive family will be here and I think everyone would be uncomfortable. I kind of feel like it would be putting a cat in a room full of dogs, does that make sense? We are having her come out for breakfast Christmas morning so she can spend time with us and watch her 3 year old granddaughter open presents from Santa. She is very excited about having a granddaughter. My mom and dad have supported me in my search and my mom wants to have lunch with my birthmom and I so they can meet. My dad is having a harder time with all of us, he has never been open about his feelings but he will come around. Everyone will meet her at my daughters birthday party in January and everyone knows about her to date, I have been very open about my search. I was worried about everyone fitting in and their feelings but I realized that they all have to find where they fit on their own and they will in time. I am one of the lucky ones, I went to a wonderful home and have had a great life. I was raised knowing I was adopted and that adoption is a blessing, my birthmom and dad were the answer to my mom and dads prayers for a child. In time everyone will fit and we always have room and love for more. Happy Holidays everyone, Merry Christmas! Aura

[adoptionblessings]

Thanks for your lovely post sharing your reunion with your birth mom and birth father. Your birth dad's story is so bittersweet and so glad you found him and can encourage him at this fragile time in his life- I am sure you bring him much joy and purpose!
And I believe you made a very good decision about Christmas in that this reunion is so new and your adoptive father has been slow to warm up to the idea. I think the birthday of your daughter would be a good time to introduce the families. You have a great attitude realizing the truth- that the individuals in the story must each navigate how they will respond and navigate this new family journey. You cannot make everyone happy but you are sure doing a wonderful job of being sensitive to the needs of each one and including them all in your life.
May God bless you richly this Christmas and may your continued reunion be peaceful and joyful. All your parents are blessed to have you as their precious child- Thanks for posting!
Blessings, Jody M, reunited adoptee

[aura]

Thank you Jody, you almost made me cry! Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you too. Aura

[cincofields]

Hello,
I am an Adoptee and a Birth Mom. I was contacted by someone who claimed to be my birth daughter's sister. She had been researching her own birth parents and found me, I matched her sisters info. We emailed back and forth, with some pertinent info, then she presented it to her sister. She claimed her sister/birthdaughter was surprised, but decided to not contact me at that time. I left her sister with an email to let my birth daughter know she could contact me anytime if she decide later on.
8 months later I recieved my first email from my birth daughter. Or someone who says she is, then another recently from my email answer to her first one. But, I am really confused. She hasn't given me her first name even, I have no idea if she is for real, and am scared to ask some questions, that might scare her away. She seemed so hesistant at first.
I know if my own birth mother contacted me at 25 years of age, I would have been very resistant too. She has so many of the same likes and dislikes as I do, that it almost feels suspicious? I know of others who have been contacted by a birth child, and it turned out to be a hoax. How do I know if it is for real? All I have is an email address from a Yahoo site. What if it is a hoax? What do I do?
Anyone out there know what I can do? I want this to be true, but I am so cautious. I do have an ex-friend who would think she was doing something to help me by pretending to be her, thinking it would re-instate her in my life, but not realizing how really wrong it is, what if it is her? Ok, I have rambled enough. I sure hope someone can help...Thank you...cincofields.

[adoptionblessings]

Hi "Cincofields" and thanks for writing- you embrace a unique place being an adoptee and a birth parent. That can be so helpful in navigating reunion for you wear 'both' hats so to speak! I know that you need to have it confirmed if this adoptee who has contacted you is truly your birth daughter or not.Very necessary. I would contact her and verbalize your thrill with communicating with her and your similarities. Let her know that you are happy to be sharing. Tell her you know of a number or cases where adoptees and birth moms in reunion find out they have found the wrong person- and that you would feel it good to confirm the facts in your case now to be certain. I do not think this will scare her away if she truly is your birth daughter. And you need to know the truth so that you are not investing so much love and emotions in this relationship and then find you have the wrong person. You must assertively ask her her name, and details and how she surmises that you are her birth mother- don't give up hope and pray God will lead you into truth!
Keep us posted and thanks for writing!
Jody Moreen, adoptee, Editor, Adoption Blessings Journal
www.adoptionblessingsnewsletter.com

[AmberNML]

As an adoptive mom of 3, I would be okay with it. My oldest might not be okay aout it. (9yrs) We drove 4 hours each way to visit my 8 year old's birthmother the week after Christmas. And my 3 year old is too little to understand adoption yet.