[Stubby298]

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. Most of our marriage has been spent in Mi, for the past 12 years we are now in KY. He has 5 children, all over 40 yrs old and 10 grandchildren. When we first married, we were not invited to any of the grandchildrens birthday celebrations due to the ex wife's request we not be invited. When people who attend these celebrations ask where their dad is, the response is, oh he couldnt make it, not that he wasnt invited. I have heard this from the people who attend. In fact the ex said she would turn his whole family and friends against him, just wait and see. Finally, the grandkids graduated from high school and we were invited to the grad party, with the ex there. So things are looking up. I am civil, as polite as I would be to a stranger on the street. Now that we live out of state the adult children visit at least 2 times a year or so. One daughter and her family live here in KY and I have a wonderful relationship with her and her children. When the adult children visit, we all get together for fun and food either at our home or at the daughters house who lives here. Sometimes, the mother (ex wife) also hitches a ride with one of the adult children to see her daughter who lives here and the grandkids. When this happens, me and my husband are always invited for dinner at this daughters house when everyone is in visiting. The adult children keep on asking their mother to come over to their dad's house. Of course, she refuses and states that she will never go there, altho, I do know that she has been here when we were not home. The ex wife made one of the older grandchildren drive her to our house to see where we live and told him not to tell. Well, the grandson could not take the pressue and told me about it. I assured the grandson that no harm was done and dont worry about it. So you can see what kind of woman I am dealing with. After 20+ years divorced she is still telling lies and starting rumors and trying to cause kahos. One time, at a party on neutral ground, it was around Mothers Day and the girls (the daughters) said breakfast at the other daughters house, and the ex wife said I should make breakfast, since I have no children and will never be a mother..I had one second to think, I said I would love to make breakfast for her..the other daughters were surprised at my answer and told me the next day that I was very wise to step around such a mean comment. Well, to get back to my delima. The adult children and their kids and the ex are coming this weekend for a late Christmas Celebration. Some are staying with us and some at staying with the other daughter that lives here. The ex will be staying at the other daughters. When I heard they were all coming, via email, I said that was wonderful and their Dad would be very excited and happy to have all the kids here at the farm. Well, I recieved a reply stating that mom, the ex, still feels uncomfortable about coming to our house and that they will have Friday at the other daughters and Saturday at our house with me and Dad. We are invited to the other daughters on Friday, that is not the problem. The problem is, we have never invited the ex to our house, the adult children have taken upon their own to do this. Ive discussed this with my husband and he really doesnt care one way or the other, but I told him I really dont want her here and he says that is just fine, if I dont want her here then she shouldnt come. I am pretty sure the ex will never come here, but if she knew she wasnt wanted here, she just might do it just to be hateful. My husband says he has no intention to go to her house in MI so she should not want to come here. Should we talk to the daughter who wrote the email about the ex being uncomfortable, that Dad would not go to the ex's house so she should not want to come here..It seems every time the kids come and their mom comes to ky, this is always brought up...Wouldnt it be better for the adult children to know, just dont ask their mom anymore. The adult children have never talked to either me or their Dad about this they just think its ok..and I feel it is our decision who comes to our house. I want to tell them so what do others have to say about this, can someone give some advise.

[mcmama]

What is it with all the togetherness here???

The divorce is 20 years old. If she can't respect the inclusion of your husband and you on the terms of the other people over the years, and is mean to every nice thing you have ever said, then why do the kids think this is fine? Sort of a way of erasing the problem.

I would let your kids know that there are things that happen with relationships that maybe do not involve them, but that boundaries are set and this will not work. Tell them you enjoy family gatherings, but are not comfortable hosting something that involves the ex. So you have your plans to host the kids and grandkids, and that is your contribution to it. I would not email it. You never know how things will be circulated. Talk to your husband, and the BOTH of you call the daughter and tell her what your true feelings are.

Most divorced people don't host gatherings that include the ex, except for things like weddings and graduations of the kids and so on. Typically you have those parties either at another house or a restaurant, and then you have the smaller gathering at your own house.

There's a lot of bitter feeling here, probably with the kids too. You and your husband are having adult relationships with adult kids and grandkids, and it should be on healthy terms without the ex being a part of it except for large parties, where it appears that you have behaved well and she has not. Your sd should be respecting the way things are - sounds like your husbands ex and the two of you are mutually uncomfortable with being pushed together at your house.

[Stubby298]

Thanks so much for your input. That was the best Ive heard from anyone. The adult kids are in and things are going well. I was wondering how we were going to approach this subject. Didnt have to worry...the one daughter brought it up and we spoke our peace. We do not want to go to the ex's home, so she should not come to ours. We did tell her that we appreciate the time we have when they come to visit and we can be cordial when we have to all be together. So far so good. We will be leaving our home soon to go to the other daughter that lives here for dinner and will visit for a while and then leave. That way the ex can have her time but know that we are still part of the family gathering. So again, thanks for your reply and it really helped.

[Stubby298]

OH, one more item..the sd told me that her mom is still very upset about the whole divorce..get real. Anyways, I told the daughter that she has seen how I handle her mothers rude remarks, even tho I could have said something, I chose not to. I told her how much we enjoy their visits and wish we could see them more often. I said all this with a true feeling. Im sure the sd knew i meant this. The ex is still playing the sympathy card anytime she can and even the grandchildren see it. again, thanks.

[mcmama]

Well, it is sad. Sounds like the adult kids are still playing the in between game. And I am glad that you are clearing the air in a nice way.