[cocotbo]

Would you let your adult (over 1 child move back in with you?
What circumstances would it take to let them live at home again and what conditions would you set, if any?

[mcmama]

I moved back in with my mother when she was sick. We worked out what chores I would do, what my brother would do, and what each of us would contribute financially. And we all took care of each other.
I think I would do it that way today - but not in the house I am in now, as there is no room. I am considering moving to a different area in a few years when my youngest graduates - with cheaper housing I will be able to afford something a bit more comfortable for myself and for "extended visits" or moving in.

[dzblond]

I would LOVE to have my children live with me! I come from a family that gets along great! Before moving here, my husband and my two children lived with my mom and dad and my brother and his family lived near too. It helps that the house was big, but it would not matter. Even though there were times, we disagreed, it was great most of the time! You have to respect each other, and learn to give and take more, but I would never change that! Everyone helps each other.

[cocotbo]

You sound like my mother-in-law. She could think of nothing better than to have her kids and their families all under the same roof with her. The house can be absolute chaos with children running and screaming everywhere and yet she can sit there happily soaking it all up.

We spent 6 weeks at my husband's parents' house this past summer and as much as I wanted to get back to my own home, I actually cried when we left because I had felt so connected to a real, loving family.

[dzblond]

It's a great feeling knowing you are loved and when you are sad there is always someone there to make you smile! I lived with my family on 20 acres and we had 6 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2laundry rooms and a big huge library that had a small bar area, where the kids could entertain their friends. I am now living in a basement where there is only a bedroom and a small living room. My father-in-law never asks how anyone is and calls his daughter's child a ***** and stupid. He only talks about himself, and thats how I found this site, I wanted to know if other families are this disfucntional? I guess thats why I am homesick? I am so glad my husband isn't like that and supports me. I just wish this family were more loving and caring.

[cocotbo]

Sadly, not every family is as loving as we would have them be.
I remember, when I was a kid, a phrase that I heard a lot was "As soon as you turn 18, you're out of here." Whether they were joking or not didn't really matter. My parents' words had an impact. When I was in high school and it was time to apply to colleges, they sat me down and told me they expected me to go to college but they couldn't help me pay for it. I didn't know anything about financial aid back then and neither did they. That was the end of the college application process for me. Then they encouraged me to buy a new car. Between the car & insurance payments, I didn't have enough money to move out.

Ta-Da! I graduated high school with honors and took my place with the working poor. I had to live with my parents and they never let me forget what a burden it was. Since then, I've spent much of my adult life avoiding living with my parents.

When my son was 7-months-old, he and I went to visit them for a month since they couldn't manage to visit us. After one week I was in tears and ready to change our plane tickets.

Some families thrive when together - others when apart.
The important thing to remember is that there are many different types of families. There is the family you are born into, the family you marry into, the family you make with your spouse and the family you put together along the way with those special friends who can be nothing less than family in your heart. All we can do is make the best of what we have.

Good luck to you. Don't let the muggles get you down.

[dzblond]

I am so sad to hear that your parents were basically counting the days before you would live . I hope no one on this family forum site ever tells a child things like that! When children are little, they often get mad and tell the parents they hate them, but they need to know that we love them no matter what. When kids say they want to run away, tell them you would search the world over to find them. They want to know you care enough, and telling them "Hey, I'll help you pack." just lets them know love is conditional. Even though others can be cruel and heartless, we must learn not to make the same mistakes.

[HappyMomAnna]

My adult children are 21 and 22. The rule has been that on summer breaks they are WELCOME to come home as long as they get a summer job! We feel that they can get ahead to a degree by staying home rent/food free and it helps them continue with their education.
This past summer my 22 year old got his Bacholors and was told clearly that we would support him to this point--any more college he would need to finaince. We were going to offer him the same Summer Deal--however the punk had an attitude because he was soooooo educated and knew everything. When he was informed that things were still parent/child in our home no matter how much college he had he chose to spend the summer sleeping late and doing nothing at his aunts house......
Now a few months into his Master's program the little buger is broke and desperate for food. And as hard as it has been for "mommy" we are not bailing him out. Our position is that he could have worked last summer--and that MOST people work while they earn their masters sooooooo this is the bed he made for himself.
I personally, would not have an adult child who dropped out of college return home. And if I were pushed to do so I would be sure that the Return Rules were very clear and written in stone. I have a younger brother who at the age of 37 with a wife and 3 children still expected mommy to support his family!
The BEST lesson I had as a young person was when my parents failed to pay an electiric bill for me. I was forced to sell a special doll from my collection to pay the bill.... BUT, when I look back I think this might have been one of the best things my parents ever did for me. I learned at that moment that I was responsible for my own life.... I think had they paid it this lesson would have taken much longer to learn.

[JennyEspo]

Happy Mom, I am in strong agreement with you. Although my children are still small, I plan to set up the same principles. We'll provide through collage or until marriage. But on another note, I couldn't help but notice the way you referred to your son; "punk", "bugger". I don't know if this is the way you talk to him in person but if you do, things like that can weigh on a child. I'm sure there are a lot more worse things to call a him but the tone in your voice can be picked up by children. I've learned this from my mother and the way she talked to me. If you talk to him with support, love and concern he might take it differently when you lay down the rules. He'll grow up in his own time. Let him make his own mistakes. He'll know you'll always be there for him even if it's not through your check book. Best of luck!!!!!
On a different note, I'm blessed everyday I don't have to live with my parents anymore!!!!!!! What bothers me more then anything else is my older sister and her family! She is two years older then me and has been living with my parents! Even though she's been married for 5 years and has one child. She works as a teacher and her husband works part time at night, picks up the baby from daycare and watches her rest of the day. I drives me crazy because everyone in the family acts as if this is normal! I guess I'm just the stupid one for moving out when I was ninteen after marring my husband, having three children and buying a house all on our own!

[cocotbo]

Originally Posted by JennyEspo

But on another note, I couldn't help but notice the way you referred to your son; "punk", "bugger". I don't know if this is the way you talk to him in person but if you do, things like that can weigh on a child.

They certainly can. For years, I was referred to by my parents as "The Other One". I'd always felt that my brother was the favorite and that label seemed to reinforce it. It wasn't pleasant and didn't lead to a very close relationship between me and my parents. As unintentional as they may be, the labels we put upon our children truly do have a major effect on their lives and our relationships with them.