Adult Relationships of Daughter with NPD Mother
This is my first time here on this website and for posting a message like this. I grew wup with a classic awful narcissistic mother. She was terrible growing up. I've been in therapy for over a decade and on antidepressants, because, hey! Guess what? Depression and mental illness runs in my family! The most lingering effect that my trying to "recover" from all of the psychological damage this woman has put me through is how I relate with men. I always make the wrong choices... I almost married my mother 14 years ago. Not really, but I'm sure you understand. It sent me into therapy and when I was 23 years old finally found some solace and comfort that all was not wrong with me and I wasn't defective. My mother instilled in me the honest to goodness belief that I could never amount to anything, that good things weren't means for "people like us" and that I was "greedy, selfish, lazy and rude." I am none of those things and can cite reasons and give other evidence of such, but I don't think you really need that here. I have a feeling you understand the need to provide such evidence. Finally, I'm getting to my problem. I tend to sleep with men very quickly when I am sure that I don't like them because this way I am sure never to get hurt . Then, it's usually after our third encounter that he stops calling. As soon as there is silence, my head starts spinning and I keep thinking about and replaying the last night in my head. "What did I say wrong?" "What did I do wrong? "Does he think I'm fat" "Does he think I'm stupid?" etc. etc. And then I start to become interested in that person MORE BECAUSE THEY ARE IGNORNING ME. Sound text book? It is. I'm still trying to win over my f-in mother. I just slept with my language teacher (no grades, it's extracurricular). He is Argentinian and very sweet. I didn't sleep with him immediately...two months into the class. He stopped calling me and showing interest, but he's pretty appropriate in school... more like a boy on the playground pulling pigtails. Anyhow, before the psychic parasite took me over last Friday, I was just into having a little fun and then calling it a day. now I'm so obsessed. depressed. paranoid. sad. I need to figure out how to stop myself from feeling this way (or stop sleeping with the wrong men?)... I don't know. I'm very careful and healthy and not a complete ***** if that is what I sound like. It's just that I've been single for so long, it's nice to have unattached "company" every now and again. Any advice? Words of wisdom? Support? I need it. Thank you so much.
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