[beth]

An aquaintance of mine has recently revealed that she was sexually abused by her father, she also witnessed her father abusing one of her sisters, then she was abused by her brother-in-law. She now has a 17-year-old daughter who she won't even let go to the 7-11 for a loaf of bread on her own. She also recently caught her daughter kissing a boy during a church meeting. Now she has grounded the girl from doing anything. Naturally the 17 year old "hates" her mother. The family is in crisis. On the one hand, I can fully understand the mother's fears - look at what she's been through. She's come to me for help but I'm at a bit of a loss. I did suggest she tell her daughter what happened to her in the past, so that the daughter can at least understand where the mother is coming from. But she categorically refuses, saying she's not old enough. I disagree. Can anyone shed some light on this dreadful situation?

[TrinityDancer]

I was also sexually/physically abused by a family member for almost 17 yrs. I have 3 kids now-a 16,14 and 22 mo.old. Both the older ones know not only what happened-leaving out the details of course-but who it was that did it.I can understand your friends desire to be overprotective but on the other hand,at 17,her daughter is not only old enough but needs to hear about lifes harsh realities. I totally know how hard it was for me to tell my kids and they were much younger. Maybe she can write her a note or letter. She doesnt have to give any names but maybe just tell her a little of what happened and why she is so protective. I know we all want to keep our kids from ever experiencing anything unpleasant but unfortunately that just isnt realistic. I wish your friend the best of luck with this. ~Trin~

[beno]

I have to agree with the letter. I think that would be best. In this age we live in, with instant communication via a cell phone, or email, I think the power of letter writing has been overlooked and almost forgotten.

It gives you a way to get out your feelings, while being honest with yourself emotionaly, and allowing you to keep your emotions in check at the same time.

[beth]

Thanks for the posts, it seems we are all in agreement. Unfortunately this woman doesn't see it. I don't know exactly why she won't tell her daughters, perhaps she is somehow ashamed of what happened and blames herself and thinks they will too. Perhaps it's more to do with that than the obvious overprotectiveness. Whatever the reason is, she's causing problems now within her own family, and can't see that she's stifling her kids. It's so terrible that these crimes have such far-reaching effects that can last for decades. Thanks for sharing your stories and support.

[irishgal63]

My dad was verbally,physically,emotionally abusive to myself,
my brothers/sisters and 3 stepmoms ,in a way I could say I
feel sorry for him that he is just repeating a pattern that he
learned from his parents , BUT YET he didn't have the strength
to break the cycle of abuse---and now(at 72)he's paying
for it---none of us(5) kids are close to him and my step-mom
just stays for the heck-of-it, she won't have to tolerate
my dad much longer,anyway !
(Emotional) recovery takes time ! I'm better off not being
around my dad ! During our last ph. call, he got verbally
abusive(again)---I had REALLY had enough of his screaming /
yelling fits ---I said 'have a nice weekend' and hung up on him,
haven't heard from him since ! My brothers have been
through this alot, also !
SINCERELY,(in ILL.)
Lori Weis

[tnmommie]

Im new here on but I know what you are going through my father was the same way when we was growing up. Now none of his kids want anything to do with him and he wonders why. Thank God my mom divorced my dad. I feel for you,sometimes I wonder if I will ever heal from everything.

[irishgal63]

Now that I'm in my 40's, I wish I had a very good 'friendship'
with my 2 older brothers (and one younger),---but I don't
cause my dad has (pretty much)been the only male role
model in my brother's lives---needless to say---they do
things ALOT like he does,and sound almost exactly like him !
It's really hard to be around them and hear the way they talk
about things ! I've tried to reach out to them in different
ways and tried to talk to them about certain issues---they
look for excuses to avoid talking to me about family issues etc.!
I give up---I accept that I just can't get through to them !

I do miss my brothers(in ILL.),
Lori Weis

[beth]

Hi Lori, I think a lot of people would relate to your experience. There's a similar thing happening in my partner's family, where his brother won't talk about things that happened in the family when they were kids. Whenever the conversation is steered to anything too personal, or real, the shutters come down. I'm sorry you have this realtionship with your own brothers, especially when you try so hard. Part of it is probably just a guy thing, and some of it is them following the lead of your father. Maybe when they get older, they may change a little. Just resolve to make one approach each year, to test the waters, and then try to let it go, otherwise it's too painful. In the meantime, talk it out with either your mother or your friends, so you can clearly see it's their limitation, not yours. Good luck!

[jgreene]

I was also abused as a child and have already told my daughter, age 4, the basics (very basics). Tragically, many girls are abused at age 3 or 4 and one of the best ways of stopping sexual abuse is by actually talking about it! Why does everyone pretend that sexual abuse is rare and practiced only by a few random strangers? I believe the statistics show that 1 in 4 girls experience sexual abuse, often involving a family member or family friend. I imagine the number is higher, as many people keep their experiences to themselves. Anyway, I am very protective of my daughter as well, but I think it is necessary. Sex and sexual abuse seem to be taboo topics these days, but by not talking about these things we are putting our daughters in a powerless position...how can we expect them to defend themselves or be prepared if they have no knowledge? As for the kissing of the boy...if the mom doesn't talk to the girl frankly about that, then the kissing is, in my opinion, more likely to go farther, because she won't know what is going on or how to react. Also, the mom should be careful not to pass on to her child the idea that all sexual experience is bad (grounding her child for a kiss at age 17, for instance, suggests that). That can have lasting consequences for her daughter's future relationships.

[beth]

Yes, it's very important to talk about these issues with your children, both male and female. You don't have to go into a great deal of detail with very young children, but they know what "uncomfortable" touching is anyway, obviously it's a built-in thing. And not talking about it makes it harder for your child to broach the subject with the parent. I know of a woman who was repeatedly molested by her next-door neighbor's grandfather from the ages of 4 to 13. It started up again briefly at 16. Yet she never told her parents. Unfortunately, she developed schizophrenia (whether there was a link or not - the stress would not have helped) and still didn't tell her parents until she was 32. So much could have been different if she'd felt she could tell her Mom as a 4-year old what was happening in the house nextdoor.