Advice for Husband who is Abused by His Spouse
I need advice. I am in a situation worse than Onbeam's was. My wife abuses have been going on for several years and include:
* Calling me names (she calls them "titles" to describe my behavior in her words, "titles" she claims that I earned and deserved) almost every day whenever I do things that go against her (i.e. not listening to her or following her instructions or hugging and kissing her when she picks me up from school/ research work). These "titles" include expletives that I will not include here and "Piece of Junk," "useless," "bastard," etc. She calls me these titles even though I have told her more than once that I do not like being called by them, and she asserts that they are deserved. * Since the second month of our marriage (August 2006), she repeatedly pinches me hard sometimes drawing blood. When I complain about the pain, she says that I am self-centered, that I care only about my looks, that "I am a wimp," that I "deserved it and should take it like a man." * She often smacks me with her hand, sometimes with closed fist, other times with open palm. Quite often, she claims that it hurts her hand, so she either smacks me more (while verbably blaiming me for the pain in her hand) either with her hand or with an object like a TV remote.* She also accuses me of cheating just about everyday. Her definition of cheating, though, is strict beyond reason, as my wife says that she considers cheating to include just the thought of cheating. In other words, if I think about cheating on my wife with someone else, I have just cheated -- even if I never physically cheat on her. This cheating often amounts to my wife saying that I became distracted by another woman (say, when that other woman happens to walk by). When I tell my wife that I was not distracted, she tells me that I am in denial, I will never change, and I am a piece of #$@@$# (one of the expletive titles I mentioned in my cut off comment above). * On several occasions, my wife said that she has had very terrible dreams often involving me cheating on her or my family has done something to harm her in some way or another. Every time, she blames me for her dreams saying that I gave them to her. I have tried telling her that it is impossible for me to give her dreams because dreams are creations of one's own mind, and I am not physic, nor do I have telepathy. It didn't work, as she still claims that I gave her these dreams. * If I look at her with an angry face, or happen to cringe my forehead to make it look as if I am upset at her (even though I was not), she gets upset and calls me names. * She has been threatening divorce since after the first month of our marriage (July 2006). * She has forced me to sign papers saying if I ever walk out on her again (yes, I have when I couldn't handle her abuse) that I will hand over all of my properties including the clothes I am wearing on my back.
Here's where my situation is worse. Unlike other abused men who do not hit back, I have gotten upset enough that I forgot about being a gentleman and hit her. This had happened five times since June 2007. I apologized each time after I hit her and promised not to hit her again. However, the last time I hit her was in public, I hit her on the face (granted, not hard enough to leave a bruise or break anything, luckily, but that doesn't matter since I hit her after all). I decided to take responsibility for my action, so I told her to call the police, which she did. Originally, I was charged with a felony. However, the court reduced my case to a misdemeanor after my wife gave documents to support me. I am currently on parole with a no-disturb order, and am living with my wife.
As you can tell, now have a bad record against me because I was not able to take my wife's abuse "like a man" and responded with hitting her in return -- very bad moves on my part (ones that I wish I could take back and obviously can not) even though my wife has pinched me and smacked me with her hands and objects many more times than I had hit her with my hand.
Things seemed to get slightly better these last few months. However, the abuse escalated very high on Monday night when my wife wanted me to drive at 12:40AM, so we could watch the Leonid meteor shower. At 12AM I had said yes just to keep her quiet, so I could study. When 12:40AM came by, I asked her if we could cancel since I am sleepy. She told me to "lower your #@$@#in voice," to a whisper, and when I didn't she got upset. She still insisted that I get dressed and drive her. During the whole trip, she mouthed off at me saying things that I found very scary and disturbing including that I "deserve to go back to jail," and I "should commit suicide but you never will because you are too much of a coward." Earlier today when she picked me up for lunch, she threatened to take me to court to fill out the divorce papers just because I forgot to hug and kiss her when I got into the car.
At this point, I am scared to go back home because I will likely get more abuse from her. My friends at grad school do not know about this mainly because I have not told anyone about my jail time (since I went to jail after being accepted to the Ph.D. program, and I am worried what reaction my advisors / peers would have if I told them).
What should I do? Should I tell my story to one of my advisors or peer students even though I may risk not getting funding for next year in my Ph.D. program? Should I ask one of the students if I can stay with them? When my wife comes to pick me up at 5:15PM, should I hide somewhere on the campus building, so she can't find me? Should I tell one of the facility guards not to let her in when she comes to pick me up? (My wife has my driver's license, money, credit cards, and car, so I cannot drive nor can I buy myself anything. I used to have a campus ID with a transit pass on the back, but strangely it vanished from my laptop luggage about a month ago when she grabbed my open laptop luggage from the back seat and several items fell out. I searched the car thoroughly several times, and didn't find it in the car. My wife claims she doesn't know where it is. I had looked briefly in her purse and did not see it there. Granted, I haven't had a chance to thoroughly check her purse to see if it is there.)
Thank you for reading my long comments, and I appreciate your advice.
|
Linear Mode
