[Jeff20]

My fiancee and I have been together for two years. We've known each other for ages though. She has two children froma previous marriage. One is three so he's testing his boundaries. That I can deal with as that is what being three is all about. However she has a six year old who I'm at my wits end with. When I first started coming around we got along fine. I however wasn't going to discipline the kid as it wasn't my place. We would be on the phone and he would be crying about not wanting to go to bed. She would tell him to get to bed and have to pick him up and take him to bed. He would punch her, bite her, kick her, and everything else. She hated taking him to the store as he would throw a fall down on the floor, screaming fit if she didn't get him something. He would talk back to her, and not do anything she told him to do.

I moved in a few months later, and things were fine at first. Since then it has gotten worse. He lies to us. He headbutted his brother, and told us a straight up lie. I walked in on him hitting the dog over the head and told me he didn't do it. He's told us so many lies I nolonger believe a thing he says.

He doesn't listen to a thing we say. We tell him he needs to do something, and the next day he's still doing the thing that got him in trouble in the first place. We'll ask him what we talked about, and he doesn't remember. I've grounded him countless times, and I'll go back to his room, and he'll be playing. Or the minute I leave he's running around.

He mouths off. I've asked him questions, and get the snotty "what" in response. The other day he was teasing the dog, and I asked him if he was and he got real snotty with me.

There is so much more, and I can't remember everything right now. I've tried to ground him. I've tried spanking him. I've had him throw away his favorite toys after being grounded for a week and still getting into trouble. My latest idea was to have him write phrases down on paper like "I'm six and I don't know what fair is." However that only works for so long. He hasn't complained about how unfair things are, but I can't honestly keep him doing this.

I don't know what else to do with him. I hate being so mad at him all of the time, but I can't let him do what he wants. I honestly think the kid needs therapy or something, but I just don't know. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Alejandros Mommy]

First of welcome to families.

A few questions before I give you a reply. Is the "father" in the picture and if so is their a visitation agreement. How much time does your "partner" spend with each of her children and do you both find that either of you give in to him just to get him to quiet down? Also how does your "partner" discipline her children or is it left up to you?

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Lessly has asked some very good questions.
Is the bio father involved?
Does the mother give limits and appropriate discipline?
Or does she expect you to do it?

Been my experience, that it is much easier to try to get a 6 year old
to mind their P's and Q's, than it is trying to do so when parents wait 10 years and the child is now 16.

[Jeff20]

Their father is in the picture. He gets them on every other weekend, and they trade off on holidays. Sometimes he sees them and sometimes he doesn't. He doesn't really put an effort into seeing his kids, and she has to call him every other week to see if he'll pick them up or during the summer she has to find out how long he's actually going to take them. Which is usually only for a few days, but he's supposed to have them for half of the summer.

I tend to do the majority of the discipline work. I've found when I'm home if the kids start misbehaving she usually will tell them to stop, but it doesn't work. If I stand up and tell them to stop they stop. We have had moments where I was busy doing whatever, and the kids were being beyond horrendous that I've had to tell her to get on them. Its not that she ignores them, but she mainly just stands there telling them to stop. Where as I will if I have to get up and spank them if I have to.

The 3 year old gets more attention and part of that is the fact that he's not in school. Also since her six year old is always in trouble he's usually always grounded. He spent almost a month being grounded, because he kept accumulating time.

He does something else that drives me insane. If he has done something wrong he goes "I don't know." The other night I walked into the bathroom about fifteen minutes after his shower, and there was water all over the floor, sink, toilet. So I went in his room, and walked him into the bathroom, and asked him what happened. He gave me "I don't know." This happens every time. It doesn't matter if I sit down and talk calmly with him or if I yell at him. I always get the same answer. The same way with my fiancee. She always gets the same answer no matter how we ask.

[SueR]

Perhaps the spankings aren't of sufficient severity? They do have to hurt, you know!

[mcmama]

He's probably shutting down. trouble at school, incommunicative at home - problem with bio dad is likely that if he has to be pestered into taking the kids on his weekend, then likely he isn't paying attention to him. So the kid is getting negative attention from you.

If its your house, its your place to administer immediate discipline. But it sounds like in frustration you are going a bit over the top - the spanking and writing stuff does not work - didn't work in old timey catholic school when I was a kid, and it just shows you as the punisher.

One thing I always found worked in substitute teaching was to identify the troublemaker and catch him being good - and comment on it. BIG ripples of surprise usually in the classroom. But teacher - he's not supposed to pass out the papers, or clean the board. He;s always bad.

Getting that "bad" kid on my side was always a good balance for me as a substitute.

Catch him being good. Share an experience with him that he enjoys. Man stuff. A ball game, or just go to the park and play catch if he likes it. You do stuff in a garage, have him "help" if he is interested - and be very specific about what he needs to do.

Is he in scouts? That often helps a lot, especially if you become involved.

He wants a dad. He doesn't have one. He's got an every other weekend bio dad who doesn't really relate, and he's got you - his moms boyfriend who punishes him. He wants a dad.

[mollymae]

Consistancy and being on the same page as mum.

Sit down and write down some house rules with the kids so they have see that they're involvement and help is appreciated.

Work out before hand how you will deal with any rule breaking.

Try not to yell.

The best advice anyone every told me was "Don't sweat the small stuff" Start of with clamping down on and effectively dealing with the bigger stuff, when you have that under control then move the boundaries a bit tighter.

Lots and lots of praise and cuddles!!

Good luck.

[ShannonGB]

McMama always gets it spot on

I think you need to have more good times rather than bad times with him. You will also need to be more absorbent of the bad things that he does for the meantime. There is a certain level of satisfaction kids, or practically anyone, derive from being able to successfully aggravate someone. If he tries his antics on you and you show a cool reaction instead of going off, it'll be no fun for him. It's not going to be easy though but you really just have to be resilient.

[Alejandros Mommy]

I read that you and your fiance just had a baby, in the introduction thread.

Well....my Oldest is not Biologically my husbands but by every definition he is daddy. I found that I needed to step up and discipline my oldest so my now husband could find common ground with the oldest. It was not his job to discipline fully, as in every relationship it is 50/50. Your partner needs to help too. I understand that at this time it may be hard with a new baby in the picture but may I ask where the kids included in the pregnancy? We made sure that our oldest went to some of the doc appoints with us..went to the U/S and went shopping with us for things for the baby. We included him as much as we could and once his baby brother was born I made an effort to take 1 day a week to spend a few hours with just him. I was Breast feeding at the time so I couldn't take the whole day to be with him.

Perhaps it would help at this transition time to get your soon to be wife to spend some time with the older kids. They need to know that they have not been replaced and that she still very much loves them.

Also my child Bio dad also gets him every other weekend. It's court ordered BUT the "father" is an adult. I will not make an effort to hunt him down to take the oldest. IF he doesn't want to come that is up to him I will not force him to see "his child".

It is not your or your Fiance's responsibility to make him "responsible". If the visitation is court ordered keep track of when he does and does not come. If it isn't still keep track of it and do not try to hunt him down. IT is not good for any child to be put into a "house hold" that does not love them and care for them. Why put your step kids in that situation? Treat them as your own flesh and blood and reward them for all the good they do. You will see your relationship with them will improve and like Mcmama said...all these kids want is a dad. That is not too much to ask for.

[kzara]

You need to shift your thinking. You do not need to punish the boy, you need to teach the boy.
mcmama gave good advice when she said to find something positive to comment on.
He doesn't care about negative consequences anymore, you need to reward the behaviors you do want.
Work with him immediatly to fix problems he does make.
Specific example, the water in the bathroom after the shower. You know it was his fault, asking him about it only gave him a chance to try and duck out of being punished. Instead, walk him in there, tell him that it is not safe to have water all over the bathroom. Take an armful of towels and have him clean it up. Once he starts, help him so you are not there all night. He may stand there and fight with you or pout for quite awhile but eventually he will start. Once it is done, tell him to be careful in the shower next time and let the whole incident be over. If he does it next shower, make him clean up again. You will have the cleanest bathroom on the block soon.
It takes a lot of work to reinforce positive behavior and focus on fixing problems instead of punishing behavior but it does work.
Feel free to email or message me about any specific questions you have.
Kristine