[rightpath]

My parents are now getting older (73 and 83) and live by themselves. My Dad recently became ill with a leg ailment and requires assistance - my Mom can handle this physically, and she does have some other help.

The real issue is that she has been unhappy with her marriage for the last 50 years and chooses NOW to passive-aggressively cause him grief while she is "helping" him, because what she really wants to do is leave, and she is angry. (Mind you, they mistreated each other during their whole marriage, and neither chose to end it.)
I want to speak with her and discuss the right thing to do in this case, which is to help him while trying to maintain the rest of her family life intact. I want to tell her that if she mistreats my Dad (who was not a good Dad or husband, but who has steadfastedly remained in the family all these years) I will be unhappy with her and find it difficult to include her in my life, since the burden of caring for him will most likely fall to me.
The above communication is motivated by my personal belief that you don't hit someone (especially a family member) while they're down, and my Dad is definitely down. I also believe that the path of least resistance, such as keeping my mouth shut, is usually not the right thing to do.
Does anyone have any ideas on this? Do I keep my nose out of this and watch this passive -aggressive verbal abuse (as she did during my entire youth) or do I stand up and do the right thing and tell her he is her responsibility, that she stayed all theses years while he worked for her house, car, and family, and to deal with it?
thanks.

[Samual]

He needs a nurse or professional carer if he cannot look after himself. Your mother is to old to be looking after him in that way.

[fostermommy]

I agree with Samual. Perhaps your mom is simply tired of always being the caregiver. I assume, by your post, that she had to do more than her fair share of caregiving for the children over the years while your dad worked. Perhaps he has dealt the passive-agressive behavior to her for many years, and she was in no position to dish it back, but now she feels it's "safe" to do so. I have seen very loving a caring family members of mine become particularly nasty as they age - not sure if it's the beginnings of dementia, chronic pain, bitterness, fear..........but I don't think it's anything that they can see themselves or can necessarily change in themselves either. For the sake of their marriage (it is what it is) and your relationship with both of them, the best thing is to obtain a caregiver for him or place him in a temporary rehab facility. To have an argument with her over this will likely cause irreparable harm to your relationship, and will likely not change things for your dad. In fact, she may become nastier out of frustration.
A friend of mine once had a disagreement with his mom, which caused them to stop talking for a short period. She was elderly and a bit grumpy and short. He was irritated with her behavior and wanted "a break." He and I had a conversation, and, although it was none of my business, I urged him to repair things and resume the relationship - even though it appeared she was totally in the wrong. No kidding------just 2 days after he called her and had a long conversation--- she had a sudden stroke and passed away. At her funeral, he hugged me and cried that he was so thankful he had mended the relationship. He didn't want to have had that on his heart forever.
I wish the very best for you and your parents.

[rightpath]

Thanks for your thoughtful input - I needed perspective in this matter!