[masterc]

Hello, I've never posted on a forum before but something happened tonight and I can't sleep and I have no one to talk to about it so I figured I'd give it a try. I'm 19 years old and live at home with my parents, my two sisters, brother-in-law and niece. Today my dad came home in some what of an agitated mood, which is not uncommon for him. Usually he lays on the couch, watches tv or takes a nap, and then is fine for the rest of the evening. Well today he came home, before my mother was home, and me and him went into the backyard to talk like we usually do. He started talking about having a bad day at work and then, quite randomly in mid sentence, changed subjects to a good family friend of ours. This friend has to be the most nice, kind hearted person I have ever had the privilege of meeting. This friend is 20 and has been a friend of the family for over 4 years, he even lived in our house with us for 1 year. He is part of the family, he is like a brother to me and my sisters and even my parents refer to him as their second son. Anyways, my dad started saying he was worried about this friend of ours, sexually abusing my 14 year old sister. Baffled by what could have caused him to think this I questioned his reason for saying such a thing. His only reason was that this friend was single for a couple months now and must be desperate. This severely upset me, that's not something you say about someone who has been part of your family for so long, never wronged you, and has done everything possible to always help our family out when in need. Unless of course you have some concrete evidence. I expressed my feelings about that comment to my father and said that was a horrible thing to say or even to think because its absolutely not true. My dad suddenly changed subjects back to complaining about work and mumbling something I couldn't understand. And then just as suddenly as he did the first time started ranting about this friend again. He complained about how this friend is always over and always eating our food. This was strange to me because my parents love when he visits, they miss him very much since he moved out. Plus my mom invites him to dinner every night. I was done arguing my friend's case especially because I was confused as to what caused my father's sudden change of heart towards someone who was like his second son, so I went inside. Later my friend came over on his break from work, like he does everyday. I met him in the living room, where my father was lying on the couch watching tv. My friend gave me a hug, went and baby talked to my 8 month old niece and then went over to greet my dad. My dad and this friend have always had a very playful relationship, i.e. my friend will call my dad "old timer" and my dad will call him a "little punk". Just like always my friend greeted my dad "how's it goin' old man?" But then I witnessed the most strange and frightening behavior I have ever seen from my father. My father started yelling at my friend and cursing repeatedly. "Why the fu** are you always here, nobody wants you here, your always eating all our fu**ing food." I could see my father was quite upset and not joking, my friend however, did not see this. Still thinking he was playing around, my friend replied "why are you always on the same spot on this couch every time I come over?" My dad jerked off the couch, grabbed my friend by the neck, said "I work hard all fu**ing day so I've earned the right to sit on this fu**ing couch." Then he pulled his arm back getting ready to swing. I quickly pulled my friend free, screamed at my dad for being completely insane, and then rushed my friend upstairs. I talked to my friend but he was all shaken up and confused so he didn't say much. I asked him before he left if he would come over for dinner after work like usual. He said he might, but he felt nauseous so maybe not. Sure enough he didn't come back. I told my mom about what happened and she talked to my dad. But after that I got no news about what the problem was. In fact, both parents sat and watched tv all night without talking to me or each other before eventually going to bed. I talked to my older sister about it and she said my father was complaining earlier about my mom, how she cooks bad food, they don't even know each other anymore and how he should just leave her. This was also surprising being that they've been married for 22 years with no problems. But other than that I've had no one to talk too. I'm very worried and confused. My father is never aggressive. But tonight he was a different person. He had every intention of hitting my friend. And if he could hit my friend, who has definitely caused my father less grief than I have, he could hit me, or anyone in my family for that matter. What caused this? Is he going crazy? Should I be worried for myself and my family? Should I try and find him some help?

Sincerely,
One Lost Son

[babydawn]

I would definately find him some help. I thought of a couple of things while I read your post. One, he has reasons, that he doesn't want to share with you, to have these feelings towards your friend. But as I continued reading your posts with the comments about work and your mother, I think I would rule that one out. I would get him help. He may have a mental illness. He may be suffering from severe anxiety. He may also be so overly stressed with work that he is starting to take it out on the family. Maybe he has some major financial issues that you are unaware of. As horrible as this may sound, he may also be suffering from a brain tumor. It is my understanding that people who suffer from brain tumors can have extremely irrational behaviors, and very uncharacteristic behaviors. A man who is normally loving and compassionate, may turn into a complete monster, all without he having any control over it because of it. Certainly, try to talk him into going in for a physical. That would be a good start. Let me know how it turns out. It must be an extreme trial to go through this. If you need anything else, don't hesitate to ask.

[shanaynay32]

I am so sorry that you have to feel your dad's anger so personally. It is very hard for a genuinely loving man, like your father, to probably express himself if he is going through something. Especially, if you are his son! It may not have been as sudden as it feels to you. He may have been feeling this way for awhile and afraid to express it to you. Then compounded with something that obviously happened in his day (maybe at work), he exploded. No disrespect to babydawn's opinion but I would hate for you to get so worried over something like a brain tumor. In my line of work, I think the probabilities of that are very slim. But, do not take this as a proper diagnosis. Given the information that you wrote what I come up with is...your dad definately is harboring some personal opinions about the friend (could be a result of something in your own father's past), your father is finding some serious difficulty in expressing himself given the fact that things seem to go fairly well for him, he may be having some serious financial strain that most parents do not like to share with their children. This strain can bring up stresses like people coming over and eating their hard earned food, or using their hard earned utilities....even all of this could lead to some accusations. If you are close with your father then sit down and ask him all the questions you have, if you are not then allow a little bit of time for your father to work things out in his mind. If he clearly is becoming someone that you are not used to then it could change the dynamics of your family and you all should seek famiy counseling. I have one last thought: Maybe your father cares about you VERY much and what he is taking out on your friend is the feeling that he has having a 19yo son living with him? Do you help pay for the home utilities and food? Maybe for your relationship sake it is time for you to get a place of your own? I remember my father being the same way with me and it wasnt until I moved out that are relationship became a healthy once again. Just an idea. Good Luck.

[masterc]

Well I do not believe his stress is entirely money related. My father is a great man, but he is also a high school drop out who has worked as a machinist his whole life. It may seem odd, but my mother wear's the pants in this family. She makes most of the money and is in charge of all the bills. I have a very close relationship with both of them but I know one thing, I talk about the past and things like war with my father, and I talk about money and bills with my mother. He gets his pay check and it goes directly to my mom. He is completely left out of most of the money problems. Not to say there isn't a whole lot of money problems because from my mother, I know there is. She just prefers not to include him probably because unlike me, she sees his inability to cope with stress. As far as the stress being caused by me living at home, at the beginning of this school year I tried to leave and go to college. It was my parents who told me they wanted me to stay here while I went to school because they don't believe I can go to college full time and support myself. I haven't tried talking to my father yet but my older sister has. She said that he feels no remorse and doesn't think what he said or did was that bad. I tried talking to my mother about it and all she could say was "what do you want me to do, leave him?" My friend is very hurt and does not feel comfortable coming back over. I don't know what to do if my mom won't help and my dad won't even admit that he has a problem.

[shanaynay32]

You know my dad just recently turned 50 and his attitude changed as well. His was sort of a reversal, he was more irritated with his children and spent more time with our friends. My dad is a laid back surfer, who played a lot of jokes and was always making us laugh. Now, he seems to suddenly taken a change for the crabby side. It must be so hard to see your children grow up and the stresses of age, working and not being able to be for your family like the "man" that you expect yourself to be! I do not mean to imply that you are the stress I was just using a process of elimination. If your father doesn't see that it was a big deal then I seriously doubt it was about your friend in general. Have you told your father about your friends uncomfortable feelings? Also, I find your mothers answer to the problem quite interesting given the situation, do you think that it may be marital stress? Again, I hope things go well. If you would like to keep in touch as things progress then please do.