[CMontgomery1986]

i found out i was pregnant 11/14/2007 and was pretty shocked, within a couple days, my also very shocked DB, came up to me while i was cooking dinner and held me and said "i'm excited baby...what do you think about naming them mac and cheese if its twins?" (he's silly) and i felt soo much better...i felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders..we both knew we wanted children but figured we'd be married first...but since it had happend we took it as it was and, i was so happy...
we decided we'd wait to tell our parents until after our first U/S which was scheduled 11/30/2007 because my doctor said we should due to the fact that alot of pregnancies end in MC during the first trimester and it kinda freaked me out...and my DB wanted to have a game plan set up with what we were both planning on doing with ourselves...since the day after i found out i was preggo the company i work for told me my position was being deleted...
anyhoot i sat thru thanksgiving at my DB parents house without saying a word, and then had dinner with my family that weekend after, but my DB had to work so i had to go by myself...and i tried to not say anything but i had so many questions i needed answered in regards to insurance, im still on my parents insurance until i'm 23, but i didnt know if it would still cover me since i was preggo...
she said it before i even could tell her, and to my suprise she was happy for me and gave me a big hug and told me everything would be ok...and she was totally excited to tell my dad because my dad can't wait to be a grandpa! he was excited like i knew he would be, and wanted to call my DB right then and tell him "CONGRATS DADDY!" but i told him no.
again more weight was lifted off my shoulders..
the next morning (11/25/2007) i woke up around 7:30am and went to the bathroom and seen some light spotting...i called my mom and she told me it was normal but if it got any heavier to call her and she'd take me to the ER...i laid back in bed but i couldnt sleep cuz i was so worried and i laid there looking at my DB wondering whether or not i should wake him and tell him...another hour or so passed and the bleeding got worse. i started to freak out and told my DB that i had told my parents and that i was bleeding and i needed my mom and i wanted him to take me to her because i was confused and i needed her to tell me that i was bleeding, because for some reason my mind wouldnt register it..i needed it confirmed..and no one else but my mommy would do..
i think i freaked him out because i was so upset and i wouldnt let him touch me and i kept yelling at him that i wanted him to bring me to my mom...looking back on it now i feel like a total *** for acting that way...
i ended up spending 6 hours in the ER being poked and proded...and told to keep my original OB appt and they would tell me whether or not i needed a d&c...
i ended up being able to pass it naturally...which i dont know if i could consider that a good thing or not...something about looking into the toilet every time i used the bathroom and wondering whether or not i just flushed my little bean...it was awful...
i still feel really sad but i try to put on a good face, but its so hard...
i yelled at the lady who runs the front desk at my obgyn because she told me "you shouldnt feel to bad you were only 6w along"...i wanted to go across the counter and tell her what i really thought of her after that comment..
which made me feel even worse...i know i wasnt that far along yet but i still hurt...i feel my whole purpose in life is to give life...most little girls dream of their perfect wedding and their prince charming...i dreamt of being a mommy, i still do...
i've gone thru stages where i didnt know whether or not i ever wanted to try to have another...and where sex was completely out of the question in case it ever happens again...and then to where i want nothing more in the whole world to try again and the sooner the better...but i know i need to wait...
people keep telling me everything happens for a reason...but i feel as if the last month 1w & 1d have been the worst month 1w & 1d of my entire life...and i just want a break...
alot of my friends have babies or are expecting and i feel....jealous....
i know i shouldnt...i am very happy for them but at the same time i wish that my little bean was still inside me growing strong and healthy...i just feel like a bad person because im jealous of something i obviously wasnt supposed to have at this time..
i've told a few close friends because i really needed someone to talk to but, i didnt tell them everything, sometimes you need an outsiders view on the situation...or atleast someone whos been through something like that...
i would love to talk to someone who's been through it...

[MiaCamille]

welcome to Families, i'm sorry for your loss and it's ok to feel the way you do. We have plenty of amazing ladies here on board that went through what you did and they went on to have healthy pregnancies... you need time to grieve your loss and it's ok to do so......

[clare792000]

Hiya,
I have recently been through a similar thing to you so I just wanted to say I know how you feel. I too am jealous of other peoples pregnancies and babies. I should have had my scan on xmas eve and that was so tough, none of my family or friends remembered either so i couldnt talk about it to anyone.
What you are feeling is normal, i have come to realise that from this board and another, i dont have any advice, but i am here if you want to chat.
Take it easy
Hugs
Clare.xxx

[2flowers4us]

It's perfectly normal to feel the way you feel. It doesn't matter how far along you were, it was still a baby you loved. You had hopes and dream for that little one and it hurts to lose that. People also told me things happen for a reason. We just never know what that is. Give yourself time to grieve. I hope you find peace.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

So very sorry for your loss.

It hurts and will take a while to get back to normally physically and emotionally.

Your little baby bean will always have a special place in your heart.
No one and no body will ever replace this one.

[2girls]

Welcome
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Everything that you are feeling is totally normal, and within range.
People can say the dumbest things at times, don't feel bad for yelling at that person I would have done the same thing.
We lost a baby that we both wanted, shortly after I found out some of our friends were expecting and they didn't want any more children.
I will never understand it, and just like you, I am jealous of them. It's just something we feel, and again it's okay.
Take the time you need to heal emotionally. It could take you a while, so be prepared for that.

Just know that there are others out here who share your pain.

[KR258]

I am very sorry for your loss. You're not at all a bad person for feeling the way you do. Some may not understand those feelings but they're valid and you shouldn't feel guilty for feeling them. It takes lots of time but it does get better. I know it seems like it will never get better but it does...give your self time to grieve. I lost my second child at 21 weeks and at first I couldn't imagine ever being pregnant again or having another child but slowly it got better and now I am waiting on AF to come back so I can TTC again. I pray that you will be able to find comfort and peace.

[Kristin1981]

I am so sorry for your loss...I had a m/c when my oldest was 9 months old he is now 4 1/2...I felt hurt but, I knew it was prolly not ment to be and I knew I wasn't ready for a 2nd child...I m/c at 5 weeks and my ob told me many m/c's are caused by something being wrong with the fetus...I now have 4 children....My oldest being 4 1/2,my 2nd being 2 and my twins are 5 months old....
my twins were born at 32 weeks and my lil boy was born dead...
The nightmere replays in my mind all the time...
I feel jealous that I didn't get a full term preg I had my babies tore out of me by a emergency csection that I didn't want to have...I missed out on a vag birth and I felt so cheated that my preg was cut short...I missed the kicks and all...

It is all normal feelings and people have to have their time to grieve...
I am still upset about how I had my twins and I had no choice

[poliscmjr]

I'm so sorry for your loss. But you are not alone. Dh and I found out we were pregnant the beginning of May. We decided to tell our moms on Mothers Day. A few days before I started to spot and the doctor sent me for blood work. I hadn't had my first appt yet. On Mothers Day we told them, and after that the entire family found out! The results came back, and I was told that I would most likely m/c because my hcg levels were not increasing. I did have a m/c.

Just know we are all here for you! It's ok to feel everything that you are.

[CMontgomery1986]

Thanks guys it really means alot to read such kind words...
i know deep down its ok to grieve and feel the way i do...but to show emotion for it infront of people...thats a whole different story...and im desperately working on that...i think i just need a good cry...or two
my DB is as supportive as ever and i try to remember that it wasnt just me...it was us..and it still is us..i couldnt imagine going through life without him.
sometimes when im alone in my apt i spaace out and think what it would be like to still have my little bean and how big it would be now and i do dumb stuff like accidentally burn my hand or stub my toes cuz im not watching what im doing or where im going (born a clutz and that i shall be for the rest of my life) or pouring juice or milk all over the counter instead of in the glass...
time will show me things will get better...
but im at the point now where im wishing my life away because i want it to be that time where i dont hurt anymore
i keep a box i made and decorated full of the 20 HPT i took, because i wasnt satified with the one, the slip my doctor gave me when i went in the next day for another test...and all the papers i printed out from websites about being preggers and what to expect...my wrist band from the ER when i m/c...and some other things so i wont forget (not that i possibly could)
i keep it under my bed, and i look at it from time to time...
things arent going as planned right now with "life" and when i get to the point where i feel like its so tough and painful...i pull it out and realize that that was the toughest thing i've ever gone through and im still here...and i know i can make it through the rest of lifes crap pots...
i'm very glad i found this forum because talking to people who've been through a m/c is much more helpful to me, and im terribly sorry for all your losses, i wish life didnt have to be so cruel sometimes.