[fedup]

Well, don't know where to start. Been married to the same man for 21yrs. He has a child from a previous marriage. She's 25 now. I have loved this child as if she were mine, even when I had my own daughter who is now 14 1/2. And although she loves her sister, she's jealous of her at the same time, and I've actually seen some things she's done to get her sister in trouble with their dad. I have no proof, but I know she went on the internet and started ordering books in her sisters name. Another problem is, were always having to pick up the pieces of her life. She has never had a job past 6 months, we've helped her get 6 different cars. She's tried college 3 times, and she's failing again, and she's just finished her first 1/2 semister. We havent help her with college monies and I'm thankful we didnt, she's never paid them. This 3rd time, I thought I was being realistic when she told me she was going to start in Jan. again, I said she needed to keep working, get her debt under control, get a car, get her life in order and then think about college. Well now Im being accused of being negative, and Im negative because she's not my birth child, because I didn't want to help on car # 6, Im told I'm not giving her a chance and I never have anything good to say about her.I never see the positive. The truth is I cant see her changing, she's not changed anything upstairs in her brain. I see nothing other than what she puts on for show to the world, giving the appearance thats she's independant, and responsiable. She has a drinking problem( the messes I've cleaned), she bounces from guy to guy, lies, steals. I have to lock up or hide mine and my daughters things. I tell my husband and he seems to get a little agrivated, but i think thats because im complaining again. He asks me if I would be like that towards my daughter, if she borrowed my things? If they asked I wouldnt be. I guess if it were his things disappearing, he'd maybe do more about it. I have talked to my step daughter about some of this stuff, but it doesn't do any good. Right now it's not so bad, her current love interest is consuming her time, and she's pretty much living with him, but when she comes to the house, i find i have nothing really to say to her, and because of this, Im negative. Im told I dont love her,that I treat her different because she's not mine and Im told I better treat my daughter the same way if she does this stuff....Everytime something comes up about my stepdaughter, he includes our 14 yr old. for example: got a letter today from campus, saying my step daughter has a long over due book from the library, owes them 80.00 dollars. I asked my husband if he saw it and he said yes....i told him The same irresponsible pattern is coming out again and he say's yeah, both of our daughters do, dont they .... Hello, there two different people, how dare he accuses or label our daughter as being the same as my step daughter !!?? He does this all the time. I've put up with ALOT OF STUFF because of this child, I've been a very good step parent, she's 25 and acts like a 16 yr old. I just want her to grow up and start being responsiable, get a job, keep it and ask when u want to use something, dont just take it and use it all up and never say anything or replace it. What am I to do or think????? Can anyone even relate to this problem??

[Artist30]

Not fair. You are being made out to be the bad guy, and it sounds like everyone around you is dead set on enabling this girl. i cant really dole out advice, as I have no kids, but it seems to me you need your hubby on your side to really do anything about it. otherwise, I dont see an end for you. You shouldnt have to lock up your things, id go ballistic. seek professional help and least for your own sanity and see if you can get the husband to go with you. people are so blind when it comes to their kids!

[Blessed0608]

I was a step-daughter and it seemed like I could never please my stepmom. Nothing I did was ever good enough and all she ended up seeing were all the negatives. I resented her because I never had a real mother in my life and that's what i wanted her to be. My dad always took her side and I didn't have a voice of my own. My situation is a little different, so the only advice I can give is maybe she is acting this way because she wants to be babied by you. Maybe that's all she's ever wanted is for you to treat her like her little girl, and this is her way to try and get you to. She is obviously very jealous of her halfsister, because maybe she thinks you do treat her different whether you actually are or arent. I think you should just back off a little, bc obviously your husband feels differently about it all. And if you keep bringing it up it will only cause problems in your relationship with him b/c he'll feel caught in the middle. So I suggest that the next time your 25 yr. old is in a fix, instead of teaching her that she'll just get bailed out everytime, help just enough so that she can help herself. Instead of giving her money, help her find a job, instead of a car, get her a bus ticket. That way you'll be showing that you care in two ways... by not abandoning her, but helping her to become independent, not dependent.

[fedup]

Thanks for the input: We have tried to help find her jobs, but if they dont meet her status of what she'll look like, she wont work there, I've taken her on job interviews, where all she does is wonder around inside and come back out and say it went really good, there gonna call me in a couple of days, and then a couple of days later, we ask if she's heard and she comes off with some tall tale . I've picked up applications from alot of places, sometimes twice, cause she'll tell me she cant find them, and I find them in the trash. We've showed her that we love her by letting her move back in several times so she can get on her feet, showing support when she's needed it. We dont have bus service in this small town, thats why we helped her get a car, which she doesnt take care of, the last one she blew the motor up in it. And she has a mom that Loves her too, and wanted to be a part of her life, but at 16 she couldnt get her way with her, so she moved in with us. From this point till just here recently, her mother hasn't had anything to do with her, and still very little. At 17 1/2 she moved in with her granny, didnt get her way there, so she moved out with a boyfriend, his parents came and moved her out of her grannys and up with him. With him she discovered Drinking and drugs and wild partys and god only knows what. Now everytime she breaks up with the guy she cheated on for someone else she has to move back home till she moves in with him, I guess this way she can come and go and do as she pleases. Everything that comes out of this girls mouth is pretty much a lie. Never a job past 6 months, and indebt up to her eyeballs. How do u help a grown woman who is all about the outside appearances and that it LOOKS like she's dependant and got her act together, but doesnt. Her current love interest now is starting to see this stuff too. I know I probably sound callous, I've just been thru so much trying to help her that I feel like she's just taking advantage of everyone around her and really just doesnt care....because if she did, she wouldnt have done 1/2 the things she's done to her own family. She does more for everyone else's , like her boyfriends family her friends , than she's ever done for us, were second or third place. I dont want to feel like I cant live in my own home by having to put under lock and key everytime she comes over.

[Rebecca83]

My advice to you would be not to let her move back in with you because this is only enabling her behavior. I do not know what it is like to have step parents because my parents are still together but I would not want them enabling me to live freely and bail me out everytime I got into a jam. My parents are great and have helped me a lot in the past but I try as much as I can to do things on my own and figure my life out on my own. There comes a point when you have to pretty my give them a slap in the face to get them to straighten up and it seems like that is what you need to do here. The next time she comes begging to move in or for money I would say NO. I know it is easier said than done because she is your child but you need to find it in you to stop this behavior. Good luck to you! I hope things work out!

[beth]

Hi Artist30, the first thing that needs to be done in this situation is to talk to your husband. I know you have likely done this before but instead of focussing on what your step-daughter has done "this time", focus on the primary partnership, ie your marriage.
The problem stems from the fact that you and your husband are not operating as a team. You are trying to act as an individual and it's not working. So get away from the house and talk to your husband about the fact that "your" (and I mean your, use the term "our daughter" when talking to him) is a 25 year old adult and is quite capable (or should be) of organizing her own life successfully. It does sound like this woman has very few boundaries and therefore is taking no responsibilty for her own actions. She knows that others will pick up the pieces. Your husband needs to see that continuing to enable her to 'get out of jail free' is hurting her in the long run. It has little to do with you favoring one daughter over another. This behavior is common in 25 year olds who reside with their natural parents, and is not necessarily related to the fact she is not with both biological parents. Ask your husband how he thinks she will cope if you move away or are both dead if her current failure to thrive continues. He needs to see that your daughter is failing to mature. If you would like professional assistance with this issues, feel free to contact me at the address below.