[SeneWife]

Hi all! I am new to this site and also relatively new to being a wife. I will apologize now for the post being so long but I have somewhat of a problem and wanted to see if anyone could offer any advice.
I have been married to my husband for a little over a year and have yet to spend any real time with his two small children from a previous relationship. I have met each of them only once. When I question him about this he just says that it will happen when the children and he are ready.
This bothers me for many reasons. 1) One year of dating and one year of marriage is a long time for him to be "ready" so I feel like he is hiding something. 2) If he waits until the children are much older to know me their adjustment is going to be so much more difficult (they are now 7 and 3 years old). 3) I am presently 8 weeks pregnant. I am also a product of a blended family and know how hard that can be on children if not handled correctly and I certainly do not want that for our child together or his.
Some added info: My husband and his kids' mom do not have a good relationship so they have a common area where she drops off the kids and he visits them there. It's his brother's house. And yes, he did mention when we were dating that she did not want me having contact with the kids. He asked me to give it time and I agreed because I knew these things can be tricky. At the time I felt like he was the victim of his kids' mom in this so for me going on with the marriage in spite of this was not a problem. But now that we are married he now is saying that HE is not ready to introduce something into his kids' lives they might not understand yet. The story has changed. Makes me wonder if his kids' mother had ever really protested in the first place. Am I justified in being so upset?

[Momof2kids]

I do believe that you are justified in being upset but do you think he is hiding your pregnancy? Do they know he is remarried? What's his real problem? He needs to come clean and have a good relationship with you and his children. You are right the adjustment period with the kids would be easier if they were younger. Did you ever try and talk to his brother? Does he have any insight?

[mcmama]

I could understand his hesitation if you were not married - parents have to be real careful about introducing anyone else. But you ARE married, and his children have a baby brother or sister on the way.

He needs to come clean with you about the reason - otherwise he is dividing his time between two families, instead of being the father of a blended family. Is he afraid of his ex wife? Are there legal reasons why she gets to call the shots and say the kids cannot meet you?

Something is not right here. He needs to be honest with you about it. Not telling you is only going to make it worse.

When a guy does not want his ex to meet his current wife, and goes to lengths to prevent that from happening, there is some secret somewhere. He has to let you in on that.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Congrats on your pg. You must be excited.

Is he truly a divorced and remarried man? Or is he still married to #1secretly?

Something is definitely not right that he has to meet his kids at his brother's home with supervision.....and not alone in his own home.

Have you considered doing a name search for him on a search engine? Might be some clues there.

Wishing you all the best.

[mcmama]

Now there's a thought - I hadn't considered that he might be hiding a bigamous relationship - or turning him up on google.

Think back to NJ Gov McGreevey - he always kept his first wife from talking to his second. Even when there was a "family reunion" he kept the women apart, and he kept them away from each others daughters too. I think it is clear he was afraid that if everyone got together and started talking, the second wife would put it all together. As it was, she didn't know about him having affairs with men until a few hours before he announced it.

Not that being gay or a bigamist are your husband's secrets. But something is going on, and he needs to level with you. And he should know that when husbands DON'T come clean about this stuff, you are left to wonder all sorts of things because there are plenty of women whose trust is betrayed in big ways through secrets that somehow they are not allowed to know. Your husband is compartmentalizing his life, and that is not healthy for him or you.

[JeanLynn81]

Just another thought to throw in here....do you know if he went to court at any point during your relationship, for a custody modification? The ex wife could also have had something added to the custoday papers about having the children around you. Dad may be playing it safe (or thinking he is doing the right thing). The only thing that confuses me about that, is that it usually just deals with third party interference...but you've never met the kids (but that one time). If dad stands to lose his kids, then he will keep you away, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings in the process.

Anyways, we could spend all day guessing all the different reasons why he is being this way, but the only way you will get to the root of this problem is by an honest answer from him.

He needs to learn how to communicate and be honest with you, or the marriage just won't last long. Its so important!

[mollymae]

is he allowed to have them unsupervised at all? I'm wondering if they were problems in his last relationship which means the courts have ordered contact be supervised and he doesn't want you to find out about it.

[mcmama]

Yup. I would wonder about that too. Can he not have them unsupervised, and instead of telling you about it is making out like you are the problem for the ex wife?