[hisbabylove]

I have been dating a Pakistani Muslim man for several months. This week I discovered he was married. His marriage was prearranged and over the telephone to a woman in Pakistan. He is a citizen of the US. He was married the week before we met. He has said that he loves me, he doesn't love her. He didn't tell me because he never expected to fall in love with me when we met. He thought we could be together until his life of imprisonment in a system he cannot change started. Is this how these things really work? Can he not be with me if he wants? She is still in Pakistan awaiting her visa. What happens if his family finds out about me? Do I need to be looking over my shoulder? Thanks for any information you can give me.

[mcmama]

I think you are being strung along.

I know Pakistanis who are in arranged marriages and do not view it as imprisonment in a system. They consent to it, live with it, learn to grow with it. Following their faith and maintaining close ties with family is pretty important.

He met you the week AFTER he was married, but he did not tell you? BECAUSE he didn't expect to really fall in love with you???? Well, what WAS he expecting? Cheap sex?

This is a man who cheats on his wife, lies, and makes up excuses. It is someone elses fault. It is his families fault. It is the system's fault. Ooops, he just didn't EXPECT to fall in love with you while he was cheating on his wife.

Run, honey, and don't look back.

[Samual]

He can anul the marriage if he wants to, every relationship starts out as loveless fun, I would stay with him and see what happens. Did the marriage also take place over the phone? If so it is not legal.

[mcmama]

Every relationship does not start out as loveless fun. Some people find love first, then the fun follows because of the love.

Whether the man can annull his marriage is not the point - being in an arranged marriage means that there is more than the couple involved. Also the big point is - HE LIED. Who knows what goofy excuse he will come up with when he cheats on this one?

Like I said, run. Far. It isn't what his family will do to her, it is what they will do to him - like maybe cut him off, and out of the family money. Often, people from the middle east pool money into business ventures in order to not borrow. This enables education, travel, work, etc.

The OP is likely not muslim, and it is highly unlikely that a Pakistani man in an arranged marriage will dump the whole thing for someone who is not muslim who he just met a few months ago.

Apparently in Pakistan, marriage over the phone is legal as long as it is registered and witnessed. Some countries do not accept this as legal for the purpose of having the spouse emigrate - some do.

[pattiewrites]

Originally Posted by mcmama

I think you are being strung along.

I know Pakistanis who are in arranged marriages and do not view it as imprisonment in a system. They consent to it, live with it, learn to grow with it. Following their faith and maintaining close ties with family is pretty important.

He met you the week AFTER he was married, but he did not tell you? BECAUSE he didn't expect to really fall in love with you???? Well, what WAS he expecting? Cheap sex?

This is a man who cheats on his wife, lies, and makes up excuses. It is someone elses fault. It is his families fault. It is the system's fault. Ooops, he just didn't EXPECT to fall in love with you while he was cheating on his wife.

Run, honey, and don't look back.

I couldn't have said it better. RUN!

Just wanted to add that I feel sorry for his wife. Her life is going to be hell. I wouldn't wish him on anyone.

[QueenAngie]

Run for the hills away from this lying and cheating man!

If he was honest, he would have told you he was married
when he met you.

Time to get moving with your own life as a single woman.

[AAMattB]

I'm a single white male, I lived in Pakistan with my family while I was younger, I'm pretty familiar with Islam.

If it's not enough that he wasn't honest to you, and that he expects to either have 2 wives or to keep you on the side... Read the Koran. I'm not bashing it, but it will give you a lot of insight into how he, as a Muslim man, will treat you.

[mcmama]

Originally Posted by AAMattB

I'm a single white male, I lived in Pakistan with my family while I was younger, I'm pretty familiar with Islam.

If it's not enough that he wasn't honest to you, and that he expects to either have 2 wives or to keep you on the side... Read the Koran. I'm not bashing it, but it will give you a lot of insight into how he, as a Muslim man, will treat you.

I am sure that many of our Muslim members would disagree. There is nothing that commands a man to cheat on his wife. Citing the Koran as a source for "how he has a Muslim man, will treat you" is a bit like citing the Bible for justification in owning slaves or treating women badly.

This is not a two wife thing. This is cheating, pure and simple.

We do not denigrate other religions here at Families.com. We are a global community.

[AAMattB]

I think I miscommunicated.
I'm sorry if I connected the situation to religion unnecessarily. But understanding someone's core beliefs is going to say a lot about how they're going to treat you. If I believed in the Bible, and the person I was going to marry had issues with what it was teaching me, I would fully expect her to address those concerns to protect herself. Although I'm unsure as to why you brought the Bible up as this wasn't mentioned in the OP's post. If it is as you(mcmama) said, and he's not really a Muslim, then his beliefs are going to be completely different than what he claims to be. Besides, I also think wanting to understand the beliefs of the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with is a pretty important part of your relationship.

I'm not into promoting unnecessary arguments and conflict, but it's also important that she makes an educated decision. Especially one that is this life changing. =) As a single man who has never been married, I've gone through a couple pretty hurtful relationships in the past where I've had to step back and consider all the positives and negatives of continuing on in that relationship, and then attempt to address the problems honestly with the other person. If they don't get resolved, you move on.

I just thought I'd give her a mans perspective on the situation. One who has had to give up a couple relationships for similar reasons. One other piece of advice that someone gave me, that I really liked was, "don't fall in love with falling in love." Love is the work you put into a relationship, not the feelings of the moment.

I hope this helps a little... I understand where you're coming from, and I only wish the best for you.

[mcmama]

I brought up the Bible because it is sometimes used to justify abusive behavior. It does not really do this.

There are many misconceptions about Islam which fly around, and many of them have to do with women. Please check out the articles we have on this site about Muslim marriage - there are some lively comments from many perspectives. Actually understanding a Muslim perspective really can help the OP to realize that this dilemma is less about her boyfriend being Muslim, and more about him using his religion and her lack of knowledge of it to justify being a liar and a cheat.