[Spartanette]

Hi, everyone.
I sort of stumbled across this forum after searching Google, but I was wondering if anyone could help me out a bit here.

Anyway, I had a miscarriage when I was 18, and it was particularly awful in the sense that I had it in the father's house, who then chucked me out, put me on a bus and sent me home. We didn't speak for a year afterwards, and I dealt with it all by myself. It pretty much rotted me away inside. My friends didn't try to help, and just ignored it until it went away and I stopped trying to talk to them about it. My parents don't know because my mother in particular likes to throw things back at me in arguments, and I can't be bothered with that.
It's just that ever since it happened, I've hated children. As in, I want to just smack any child that isn't sitting still and being quiet, and I feel so angry when my family tell me off for not having a maternal bone in my body. I want to just lash out and tell them all to leave me alone and stop forcing my sister on me (she's four), but I can't. I can't stand being around children - they make me so uncomfortable, and all I want to do is smack them and make them cry.
Before I had the miscarriage I didn't mind kids all that much. I wasn't crazy about them, but I didn't hate them, and the idea of being a mother one day didn't make me want to start destroying things. I quite liked the idea of having sons one day or something. Now though, the idea of being a mum makes me want to hit people - I can't imagine anything more horrible, and that if I did have kids, they'd hate me and I'd hate them.
Please, someone help me. I know this isn't normal, and I just want to be like everyone else again.

[ProudMommy77]

I think you might consider some counselling. Are you still in high school? If you have a teacher you can trust, or a guidance councillor, consider speaking with them. If you're out of school, try one of the community counselling centres.

It's normal to feel angry after a miscarriage. Many of the women on here who have experienced it (myself included) have gone through a huge period of anger to different degrees. Until you deal with your anger you're not going to feel better about children.

Good luck.

[quagmire8]

so sorry for your loss and all that you have gone through. i agree with proudmommy about the counseling. you seem to be very angry. we have all had moments of anger over what life has thrown at us. maybe some counseling will help you learn some coping mechanisms. again, just wanted to say sorry that you have to go through this. we are here for you if you need to talk/vent/etc.

[trying4four]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I agree with the others, you really need to look into getting some counseling. Miscarriage is a loss and it sounds like you haven't really been able to mourn and work through it. Good luck

[mcmama]

How old are you now? I understand about not wanting to tell you mom. And the baby's dad chucking you out like that is lousy. This is certainly a time when we need looking after.

After my miscarriage, I wasn't angry at children, but I just could not stand being around pregnant women who complained. I was jealous of every single one of them, and angry too. But I think I understand how you feel - when my cousin died at 15 years, my aunt was very grief stricken, and somehow she always got angry at me for being just a normal teenager. It was as though I wasn't good enough, and the only teenage person good enough was dead. Do you feel like children annoy you because they are being children - something your baby did not get a chance to do - and your child would have been special, because your child would have been yours? Just wondering - not sure if this is where you are at - The whole thing with my aunt was pretty irrational, and it lasted a long while. We got past it, but only when enough time had passed that we could speak of it, and understand it better.

You do need counseling, because you have a powerful grief. But please know that time is a great healer - but you do need to take time to heal. Often we don't want to give ourselves that gift. You need to take that for yourself.

[mcmama]

And being told you don't have a maternal bone in your body ----- don't rent that one space in your head for one minute. You obviously have very powerful maternal feelings - your own.

Anyone says that to you, just tell them that maybe you haven't had good teachers about mothering. It's not instinctive, we learn to be mothers by watching the women around us. And it is perfectly ok to not want children now, especially considering the problem with the relationship. Please give yourself time. And give yourself a break.

[Spartanette]

I've just turned 21, so I'm at university now. It's just so aggravating that my anger goes away for a while, and then comes back and makes me feel ten times worse, especially as several of my friends are having babies and I feel like I have to be there to support them when in actual fact I want nothing to do with them. I still buy them stuff for their babies and all that, but once they start talking about them, it's like theres this weight on my shoulders and everyone deliberately avoids looking at me until the conversation's over. It just hurts so much that they're willing to pay attention all the time to my friend's baby, but no one paid the slightest bit of attention to my dead one and still doesn't. I think they all assume that I'm over it now or something.

It's just so horrible being around a 4 year old, who I feel like I hate. I quite liked her when she was a baby (before I had a miscarriage), but once I had it, I wanted nothing to do with her and everything she does makes me angry or annoyed, which puts strain on any relationship I have with my mother who thinks I'm doing it purely out of spite or jealousy.

Thanks to those who replied though. It's like no one understands me in real life when it comes to this.

[mcmama]

Yes, it is really difficult to see your friends having this joy, and being expected to share in it when you are having such a rough time. Sounds like you need a break from it.

As for your sister - that is quite an age difference. And 4 year old girls can be real brats. I taught preschool and it was my least favorite age. I like the twos and threes better. But at 4 they have a mouth on them, and an attitude. They just think they are the little woman. So don't feel bad about feeling the way you do. And the sibling rivalry is still very much there.

After my miscarriage, I was astounded at how people wanted to just get past it. Oh well, you can have more was their attitude. Like it was a puppy or something like that. It took a while.

Give yourself time. And as for your friends, maybe you can tell them that you are still hurting. Or find a polite way to back off and give yourself some space.

How far along were you? I know how I felt after a first trimester miscarriage. The loss for those who have later miscarriages and stillbirths is much more intense. You went through this at a young age, with no support, and honestly, some mean stuff.

Get some counseling, and give yourself a break. I think you probably have not been really allowed to deal with your grief, and it is still there.

[Spartanette]

It was only about a month and a half into it, so it's not like I was really far along or anything like that. It was just such a horrible shock, and I was so young and had to deal with it all by myself, without talking to anyone about it. Nobody wanted to know.
Its's like I feel like I shouldn't be reacting like this and should just suck it up and get on with things, but I feel so hurt and angry all the time that I can't. It's made me so aggressive, and quite a horrible person, and I don't like that.
I'm going to try and look into the counselling thing - I know my university does counselling for people. It's just so difficult to drop the facade of being so tough and cold all the time. It makes it hard to talk to people in person. I guess I'll have to do it sooner rather than later though, otherwise I'll just end up as even more of a cow.

[amarie01]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also had a MC very early on at about 5wks. I am wondering if you think you have anger towards children bc your relationship ended with the father when you lost the baby. That must have been really hard and painful for you to go through. It definitely sounds like you need to talk this through with a counselor so you don't feel so angry all the time.