[tryingtodotherightthing]

Hi all,
I'm a 45 year old woman who caught my husband in an affair after 25 years of marraige and 2 almost grown children. He's ended the affair and we're trying to do the right thing. It's been 2 months and I feel like I'm living a nightmare. He's appropriately regretfull and wishes he could turn back time. Our councellor said that intimacy is important and although he's loving and considerate of my feelings there seems to be a problem in the sex department. No, it's not me. I crave intimate connection but he is usually too tierd or can't seem to follow through. I'm very conserned but not sure what's wrong. Any suggestions or thoughts would be appriciated.
Trying to do the right thing.

[Alejandros Mommy]

Firstly, hello and welcome to our forum. Does your husband go to the therapist alone? I would suggest this for the both of you so you both can express things that other wise may not be said.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

So sorry you have had to go through this in your marriage and the man you have loved for so many years.

Have you been tested for STDs? If not, I suggest you go see your Gyne asap.

Perhaps your DH needs a physical due to hypertension or other health issues. Please continue with the counseling.

You are a better woman than I am. Not certain if I could be as forgiving as you are. We have been married 26, almost 27 years.

Wishing you the best.

[songbirdxx]

One quick, last reply tonight, before I finish here!! I completely agree with the wise words (as usual) from queen Angie!My only addition would be regarding your interrupted sex life.It sounds like Guilt!! on your dhs part.If you have forgiven him, then work on him forgiving himself! I think that is important in a situation like this. I have never experienced this, but I know people who have.I helped a friend who was heading for divorce due to the same reason. They are now happy and still together 10 years later. There was a reason for the affair ,partly my friends fault too although she didn't realise it at the time. Best of luck,you can get through it and come out of it stronger if it is meant to be.

[tryingtodotherightthing]

Thank-you all for your ideas and encouragment, yes we go to councelling together and appart, we have been tested, all ok thank god. Songbird's suggestion that he could be suffering from guilt may be something to look at. He's made a few comments that support this possibility. I'll try to get him to talk to me about it or the councellor.
Thanks again,
Tryingtodothe right thing.

[PetScribe]

I was going to say what Songbirdxx did about the possibility of guilt on his part. I'm not sure what stage you're at in your healing. Maybe letting him know you want to be intimate would help? (If you haven't. I mean, I know our men know when we're in the mood, but sometimes just saying, "Hey, I want you, I'm still attracted to you, I need you physically..." will let him know you WANT it.)

Seems obvious but sometimes they need more than hints. But also don't put pressure on him like, "Give it to me or else." Just let him know that sharing the physical connection is important and something you need.

If that doesn't work, maybe some talk about what would help him get in the mood? Maybe some experimentation? Maybe go back to the earlier years of your relationship and reinvestiagte some triggers that used to get you both excited?

It's really awesome you're trying to do the right thing and not give up on him or your relationship. It's got to be hard, but from everything I've been researching lately about affairs, those that work through it are stronger in the end. I'm hoping you'll be one of those!

[tryingtodotherightthing]

Thank-you for your ideas.
My husband is aware that I want to, need to be intimate with him. I have tried sensual masage, and some fun things that I know he enjoyed but unfortunately the favour has not been returned...That's where I'm having a problem. Here's an exerpt from my journal that might explain it better:
"It's not enough that he's stoped the affair, what I feel I/we need is a new connection. The old one gets in the way though. It used to be safe, when we couldn't think of being hurt by the other. How do you find a new connection with someone who might hurt, lie or decieve you? Someone who can't pull you into his arms and feel love and passion. Is it too much to expect from someone who wants you back, wants to reasure you, wants to make up for the past? Shouldn't he be the one desparate to feel these feelings again with me? I'm afraid that because of what we've been through he doesn't know how to, doesn't feel the right feelings for me and is afraid to admit it to me or himself..."
He has texted me on more than one occation to suggest that he would like to be intimate with me but both times he has not followed through. I give him an opening but that hasn't worked either. I eventually turn over and try to deal with the feelings of hurt and rejection. He drapes an arm over me but it's just not what I need.
When I ask him about it he says there is nothing wrong, just too tierd...and I've tried to explain as gently as I can how much I want to be with him but he just doesn't seem to react as you'd think he would...
Make any sense?

[PetScribe]

Tryingtodotherightthing:

My heart so goes out to you. Your journal entry was extraordinarily powerful and moving. How frustrated and alone you must feel right now. And you do seem to be trying, sending the right signals, and still are being met with rejection.

Maybe if you copy your journal entry and leave that on your husband's pillow for him to digest one night? Perhaps try sleeping in separate rooms until he's ready to give you the intimacy you need and want? (Not to be mean or play games, but sometimes space is a good thing for both. Yes, you've had a lot of space, but maybe he needs to physically feel alone like how you're feeling to get him to understand.)

Wish I had a truly super cure-all answer, but please know even though we've never met except for online, my heart is with you and wishing you healing.

Court

Originally Posted by tryingtodotherightthing

Thank-you for your ideas.
My husband is aware that I want to, need to be intimate with him. I have tried sensual masage, and some fun things that I know he enjoyed but unfortunately the favour has not been returned...That's where I'm having a problem. Here's an exerpt from my journal that might explain it better:

[songbirdxx]

Having read your post again, to see how things were with you!I would like to offer some advice, which is just an idea and only if you still love each other and there is a genuine desire in you both to fix things! Have you ever thought about the fact there is absolutely nothing you can do to turn the clock back and change the fact your husband has had sex with another woman recently. I mean really thought about it and not tried not to blank it out! Are you strong enough to ask him about his experiences and exactly how he felt at the time when he was intimate with this person! and even about the sex involved .Where ,when ,how etc!! Is he strong enough to tell you.Are you strong enough to be able to share in his experience, try to understand what he got out of it and dare I say it incorparate the whole thing into your experience with your husband ,until you can both let go of the whole episode and it becomes a distant memory for you both! Perhaps this is so of the wall, you will say, you can't be serious!!! The reason I am suggesting this,hard as it may be,I feel that a husband and wife team must share all their joys and also all their pain if they desire a strong connection.Your husbands affair has without a doubt caused pain for you both ,so at least if you know everything!! you can share the pain and get through it together!!even if he thought it was love! he is with you now and that means something doesn't it!! I would love to know how things go for you both.I hope it is well! Of course I will understand if you do not agree.As I said it is only a suggestion and one I would perhaps think about in your situation . Hmmm!

[tryingtodotherightthing]

Thankyou both so much for responding. It is wonderful to have other women give me their ideas and support.
First to Court. We think alike. The night before your last response my husband and I had a conversation about my/our differences in the sexual intimacy dept. I told him again how rejected I felt when we were not able to connect intimately and he admitted that he was feeling pressured and did not totally understand why he was having a problem. When I suggested that we hold off on sex for a while he said "Why don't we just see how it goes?" When I responded with tears in my eyes that that wouldn't work for me and that I had spent most of the time since the affair waiting and that I just couldn't do it anymore I finally saw recognition dawn in his eyes. We agreed to continue in this way until we understood what was going on or until one of us had a change of heart. Since then I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I can focus on other things and we just enjoy the closeness and cuddles at bedtime. We'll see how it goes...
Songbird. We've had many discussions re the OW and affair. The counsellor encouraged him to answer my questions and for me to chose my questions carefully. Some things are better left unknown. He says that there was no love in the relationship but that they had sex a handfull of times over the 3 months. He even admitted that she never had an orgasm and painted a picture that suggested to me she felt obliged as he was helping her out financially.(Ugh!) When I asked him if he'd ever thought about this (She was only 26 years old) I think it made him see what he had done in a different light. I really believe that if there's any truth to Andropaus or male menopause he's deffinately going through it! Doesn't make it any easier though.
Thanks again to both of you. This is the hardest thing I've ever attempted and pray that in the end we could be one of the couples who make it through. I'm tierd of being nausiated, it's got to get easier!
Your responses and support bring something positive to a negative situation.
Thanks again,
Debbie