[JeanLynn81]

Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[mama2riley]

too funny Jean! Thanks for sharing! The physical tests are sad but true!

[swt1899]

That is too funny! I love it! From what I hear this is ALL true. Now my neighbors are the weird exception. They have one boy 3 years old and an OCD Husband who won't allow him to get dirty at all. No PB&J.. too messy to eat, no mud pies, no sand boxes, no FUN things really! My hubby and I think this is SO bizzare.... as most people do. We are realistic and know our poor house is in for some major redecoration one day (via children) so we are accepting that! Some things you just have to let go and allow you children to live normal lives... structured yes, but not so much that they are like a robot!

[QueenAngie]

*giggles*

[JeanLynn81]

I'm so glad you all enjoyed this!

My fave is the dress test. But for the life of me, I would not know where to find a large, unhappy live octopus! (Although I imagine the unhappy part won't be too hard-I don't think they like being stuffed into tiny spaces.)

My dd would be in just a diaper all the time if it was up to her! Oh GAWD and forget trying to get her to wear shoes!

[Alejandros Mommy]

! Dh and I though this was soo true! Esp the last one

[pattiewrites]

The dressing test is hysterical and very accurate around here. Our 10 month old HATES any attempt to change his diaper/clothing. It's a wrestling match at every change.

[poliscmjr]

That was cute...I now know what I am in for when I have my first child!
Thanks, Jean

[VinniesMommy]

Haha!! Very funny and VERY true!!

[mommy2067]

That is very funny Jean!!! I know all to well about that lego thing (well when my kids played with it still)...I stepped on one of those suckers once...right in the centre of my foot....the one and only time I have ever had a bruise on the underside of my foot!!!