[LastHuman]

hello, i would like to know your opinion on my particular situation.

i am a 23 year old married man, with a good career and i come from a good family. i was born into a very strict cult that never allowed me to date, and very rarely let me spend time with girls. when i was 18, our cult leader, hand picked my spouse. i knew this girl already and absolutely hated her, and was disgusted by her presence. i was young and ignorant at the time, and trusted our leader that he had made the right decision for our future. i cried for months when i was alone, but never showed that too my parents or her. i made sure to hold in my feelings so i would not disappoint anyone. i went through a rigorous course of fasting, prayer and cold showers daily. i had deprived myself of all physical comforts for 3 months until one day, malnourished and ill, i tortured myself enough to give in. on that day i buried all my dreams about romance, love and marriage.

i have been with her since, 5 years 3 months, we have shared a decent relationship and care about each other. i left the cult and now can think for my own. but i am not in love with her, in fact as you can already assess, i never "loved" her. there is no marriage or romance. the basis for it was to please others, NEVER myself. we have no kids. i made sure of that. i hate sex with her and maybe, if she is lucky, i'll give it to her bi-monthly. now that i can think for myself, i can see that she is the worst person for me, total opposite. i should just leave her right? i mean if we stay together our kids will grow to be ****ed up, and i will be miserable, and so will she. it's logical right? just go......but i don't know how. i don't have the courage to let go of this girl i have cared for and lived with for 5 years, to have nobody. i worry about her, she has no friends, what will she do? and what about me, what if i never find anyone. i don't know how to date or break up, this is all new to me. new to us. a marriage counselor could never help me because they help people who had once loved each other. also many professionals know little about the psychological trauma a cult and arranged marriage can mess with your head. i am a 23 years old, but only a newborn to society and norms. how should i handle this?

[jackyg0679]

Wow...what a story. I have no clue what you went through in the cult, nor am I gonna pretend I understand your feelings about it. However, I think you should seek out the help of a psychologist, even one who is not experienced in post-cult trauma. They may be able to help you get your head wrapped around everything and give you the tools you know to move through your feelings. I think you should go to an individual psychologist, not a marriage one.

As for your marriage, I have never been one for staying with someone just for the sake of being with someone. I left my husband because he did not make me happy. I am single now, and honestly, I am loving it. I would rather be alone and happy than in a relationship and depressed. You married this woman out of obligation & faith, not love. You are no longer serving the cult, and I think it is time for you to move on from the relationship. Your wife will be fine. Maybe not at first, but eventually she will move on and meet people. And you will too.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

[swt1899]

I agree. The longer you stay in this relationship, the more miserable both of you will be. Transitioning to love outside of cults will be difficult, but you had the strength to leave... I am sure you have the strength to move on.

[misstina]

Whatever you decide to do just be sure to get a little counseling to help you get through it. You do say that you care for this person so separating may be a little difficult even if it's the right decision for you. Good luck!

[gdizzle5]

Wow.. get a divorce before she wind's up pregnant. It doesn't sound like its a risk honestly, but better now than later. Don't bring kids into this.