[alimad]

I'm married to a wonderful young lady. She's sweet, honest and very simple. The only thing about our marriage is this is an arranged marriage, we met through a mutual friend, while I was visiting my home town in pakistan and we decided to get engaged. We tried communicating through emails and phones but I knew there was something missing. In any case we decided to tie the knot after being engaged for 1 year, but there is certainly something that's missing in our relationship. I don't feel the passion for her at all, she's not what I call as 'my type', and when I try to get close to her I feel like I'm forcing to have sex with her. Is this normal, we hardly have sex and we haven't even married for more than a month. I keep asking her why she wanted to marry me and according to her, she fell in love with me which I still don't understand. I keep hurting her when I tell her that this marriage was mostly a very practical approach but she's fine with it, and feel that love will happen. I don't know how.
Should I have gotten married to someone who loves me more than I do. I have started taken her for granted and she knows that too. Please help me. I dont want to ruin our marriage but what i'm feeling is wrong , is there something wrong when I don't feel the passion for her. ??

[AmyMCGS]

What if you try "dating" your wife? Take her out, do things together, really try to get to know each other, even just as friends. You can't force love, but you might find that if you become good friends, something more devlops in time. Sharing little things like enjoying a walk in the park or finding a new favorite restaurant together can really bond people.

I can tell you that an important basis for any successful marriage is a good friendship.
I can't imagine an arranged marriage... I knew my husband for about 12 years before we were married! We went to school together as friends, then after school dated for 6 years before we married. So I know him very well... and even as well as I thought I knew him when we were married, we still had to make a lot of adjustments that first year. My husband is my best friend and soulmate... but when we were in high school, we would have called you crazy if you told us that someday we'd feel this way.

[mcmama]

How was your marriage arranged? You said a mutual friend and "we" decided. Were your families involved?

I know people from Pakistan who are in traditional arranged marriages, are happy, and the affection is not "forced". But it was not a quick decision, and involved their families. Could be you weren't ready for this?

[alimad]

Yes, the families were not involved when we made our decision, but in our culture once a decision is made is considered as a hard line and you have to live up to your commitment even if you feel that it is not the right one. I think if I had more opportunities to meet her and we'd spend more time together we would have made the decision that it was not right for us to get married.
We have not too many things in common and there is a point where we both feel like we are trapped? Is this common, I feel sorry for both of us.

[mcmama]

I think it is common for young people to feel this way when they have made their decision too hastily. I'm guessing that you had an arranged marriage through introductions and social networks, but that your family was not directly involved. Sometimes families mess things up, and sometimes they are good because they know you well and have an idea of how something may turn out.

At any rate, you married this lady, so something must have stirred you to do that. Were you expecting more of a romance? Something very ideal? A lot of the "spark" in marriage is based on trust, respect, affection, and that fuels the passion. Are you feeling tied down, and burdened by responsibility? That kills passion pretty quick.

If you want the marriage to work, you have to take the time to really know her (someone suggested "dating" your wife) and you have to recognize for yourself what is a true want, need, and desire, and what is just a fantasy, a wish. If it isn't right for either of you, but you need to stay legally married, work things out as amicably as is possible. Honesty helps.

A lot of people think the first year of marriage is all sunshine and roses, but for many couples it is work, adjustment, reality. And there is sunshine, and there are roses, but you have to open the windows to the sunshine, and plant and water the roses! Good luck to you.

[QueenAngie]

Two people have to work together to make a marriage work.

Men like to do lists.
Here is yours:
(You can print this off for easy reference, if you like.)

1) Give her a 15 second hug in the morning. Kiss her on the mouth for 15 seconds.
Tell her, "I love you, ______!" Do this every morning.

2) Every evening, give her a 15 second hug and kiss her on the mouth for 15 seconds.
Tell her, "I love you, _________!" Do this every evening.

3) Find something to compliment about her every day. "You have pretty hair." "Mmmmm, your perfume smells lovely." "Is that a new outfit?"

4) Kiss her fingers. There are 10 of them. Do it lovingly.

5) Read her poetry. Romantic poetry.

6) Bring her a rose or her favorite flower every week. Like if you met on a Friday, do it every Friday. "To remind us of the wonderful day we met."

7) Ask your wife to go on a date with you this Friday night.
You need to ask what restaurant she would like to go to and
make a reservation. We are not talking McDonald's here, friend.
a) Shower, put on deodorant and aftershave, shave while you are grooming too,
comb your hair, brush your teeth.
Put on a nice shirt and pants.
b) Open doors for your wife, including the car door.
c) Hold her chair for her in the restaurant.
d) Hold her hand.
e) Order dessert for 1 with 2 spoons and both of you share it.

Rent a movie that she would like....a girl movie "chick flick."
Ask at the video store for one...they will give you a good one.
No XXXX or RRRR ratings.
Sit on the sofa by your wife.
Put your arm around her
or
hold her hand.
Make microwave popcorn. Share it.

9) Ask wife to take a walk with you in the neighborhood or park.
Hold her hand. Do this every evening after dinner or early every morning.

10) Sit and talk with your wife, face to face. No tv. No radio.
Ask her about her favorite childhood memory.
Ask her about any childhood pets.
Ask her about her favorite holiday memory.
Have her do the same for you.
Listen.
Give her your full attention.

11) Pretty soon, instead of 'acting' like you are having a date,
you will fall in love with your wife. It will be the real thing.


Good luck!

[QueenAngie]

I went to a motivational speaker seminar today.

She talked about the importance of marriages and love.
Her thoughts were that religion plays an important part of marriage.
Do you go to church/temple together?

She also discussed that women in this day are very independent and able to support themselves.
This was different than 50 years ago, where women 95% stayed home to care for home and family.
That men needed to have a strong love and a fierce love for their wives.
Your wife deserves this from you and nothing else.

Please work on your marriage.

[angelaira]

Funny, I was thinking about this today. About love, and marriage, and divorce. I kind of am forming the opinion that love is a stupid reason for marriage. Love comes and goes, it wanes, it grows stronger, love is not a good basis for marriage. Marriage is a commitment to stay together through thick and thin, to support each other, to make a life together. Initial attraction doesn't last. Love may or may not last, and it takes work, but marriage is all about your frame of mind. You need to make a decision. If you really don't want to spend the rest of your life with this person and she feels the same way about you, then nip it in the bud now before you have children and create even more problems down the road when you realize what a horrible mistake you made. If you want to keep up your commitment, for honor, for family, for pride, then these things will get you through years together. Love won't, attraction won't, but that commitment to make it work will. Make sure you talk to her openly, share your feelings, share your fears. People who have been together for 25 years have been through a lot together. They fight, they argue, they listen, they cry, they share, they love, and most importantly, when the going gets tough they hang in there. In 25 years of marriage you definitely experience temptation, you experience frustration, you experience those disheartened days and those long unhappy nights, but you also learn to respect each other, to love each other, you experince all the sunny days and the fun times as well. Life is a journey, the question is really whether you want someone by your side during your journey or not. Keep in mind that time changes all things. A person who is not your ideal now might be the best thing you could ever get in twenty years when wrinkles take over, none of us are getting younger. But, when we are old, who do we want to be? Seasoned veterans of dozens of broken relationships, or wisened soles who learned the meaning of what it means to really love someone. Arranged marriages don't start out with lust or love, but they grow with respect and kindness. This day in age that might be more than most people ever experience, so maybe stop and think carefully, and count those blessings you have, and open your eyes and see where you want to be in ten years and map a plan to get there. Does this person fit into that plan? Some people truly are wrong for each other, and other people really just need time to adjust, which are you?

[oweirdo]

Angie, you had me crying by the end of your list.
Love takes work, true you cant force your self to love someone, but I think you can keep practicing it, pretending, and over time you can find it is not pretend any more. I can honestly say, the first time Mikey told me I love you, with in a few weeks of starting to date, I did not love him. It scared me so much, I felt a lot for him a whole lot, but not love yet. But I kept going out with him, kept trying, letting the good feelings grow. And after a few months when he asked me to marry him, I realized some where along the way, I did fall in love.
He ended up being my best friend, and I don't think I could ever fell this strong about any other man. There is a connection between us, something deep, love, friendship, soul mates.
I hope your marriage works out, I hope you can find a connection, build on that. Slowly come to find that you do love her.....

[siddeeqa]

Almost one year ago when I was pressurised by my parents to marry a guy of their choice and eventually I agreed to marry him. The reason why I said yes because I had no other choice and now the marriage is going to be in just about few months and I am not happy about it at all!

I will be grateful if you could give me advice about this matter!

Thanks