[mcmama]

Recently, one of my ex husband's friends (who is still friendly with me) responded to an email I had sent concerning help for heterosexual spouses of gay people, and counseling resources (she is clergy). She hinted that my ex might be a "high functioning autistic person, like aspbergers", and that would explain his coldness and narcissism. I figured it was yet another gentle way of somone saying "he's not gay he's (fill in the blank)"

But looking over your blogs, Beth, a few similiarities and dissimilarities strike me. He certainly does not understand other people's emotions, and reacts inappropriately at times with facial expressions and gestures. He needs to have references to popular culture explained to him a lot. He's very smart. But he is a compulsive punster. He's not stuck on numbers, but he won't change his own personal patterns to accomodate anyone. He has money but he is afraid to spend it, so he's very threadbare and shabby. He hoards things. Much of the love he shows appears to be conditional. I have always figured he had obsessive compulsive personality disorder, with some narcissism and borderline personality thrown in the mix.

She could be right - but autism would not explain the gay pornography or the secretive attachment to an openly gay colleague, or the admission he fantasized about gay activity, would it?

Can autistic people be homosexual?

[pastymorant]

Man, it's amazing readin' up on this stuff - I've been in a relationship fer over 4 yrs. now and finally it's dawning on me that much of the following - 'empathy-free' responses, low emotion, monotone voice, no small talk, amazing demand for alone time (mega-introversion), focus on machines/tech stuff instead of people - may be Asperger's - I honestly don't know whether I can continue in this situation - and I want to find answers to this Sphinx's riddle... so baffling - and feelin' so alone - horrible...

[For little Elza]

Wow, mostly. My 2 1/2 year old was just diagnosed with classic autism. This seems the higher functioning of the current diagnosis. Wow. My prayers are with you all.

[kerrybobs]

Hi, I am hoping somebody will be able to advise me. I have been with my partner for 19 years. We have 3 daughters, my middle daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers at the age of 9 she is now 14. Since the diagnosis it has become obvious to my partner and myself that he shows the same traits as our daughter. Things are really hard for me and I have been suffering with depression & anxiety for the last few years. I am on anti depressants and have recently started counselling.
My problem is that I am fed up of of doing everything by myself, practically, emotionally and financially. He is very selfish and has no time for any of the kids, he is a gambeler and is obsessed with any type of sport (Watching on the tv). I get no help from him at all and he seems to wind my daughter up when he knows he is upsetting her, if ever I say something to him he gets very angry and can be quite abusive physically and emotionally. His language is disgusting and he has no feeling or regard for anyone. I cannot sit down and talk to him about anything important he always kicks off and storms off or says the most horrible things to me and then 5 minutes later he acts as if nothing happened. It seems the more I say anything or stand up for my children the more he verbally attacks me. Bringing things up which have nothing at all to do with what we are arguing about. The only time he is nice is if he wants anything and Im fed up with it. He wont socialise and will cause a huge bust up if ever we are invited anywhere, so he does not have to go. We had never been on holiday so I went ahead and booked one, up until 30 minutes before the bus was coming to take us to the airport, he was not coming. I paid for the holiday plus spends and and all of our clothes all he had to do was come on the holiday, In the end he was running round the house getting his clothes and shoving them in the suitcase calling me all the names under the sun.
Christmas he wont even get up to see the kids opening their presants and he will cause murder so he does not have to visit anybody. My family are used to the fact that I turn up alone with the kids at family gatherings. He wont even help me with any christmas preparations or the finanaces towards christmas.
The reason I am asking for help is because I am tired, so very tired, I no longer want to be with him anymore, I hate my life with him and I feel I will end up having a breakdown. But I fear the backlash, I have split up with him in the past and he persacutes me and uses the kids against me. He just turns up and wont go so that there are constant arguements. In the end he goes down the nicey nicey path and like a fool Ive taken him back. With the hope he will change (but I know now that he will never change, he is not capable of changing).
He will also without a doubt hit me and be verbally aggressive to me and it is this that stops me from going through with it. Im scared.
At this moment in time I wish I was a thousand miles away but I cant see a way out.
If anyone can please advise me I would be grateful.
Sorry for the long thread, I could go on forever.
Kerry x

[beth]

Hi Kerry, hopefully you counselor will assist you to deal with this problem. Your husband may have a disorder but he is fully aware of right from wrong and he is assaulting you. He will no change, as you stated and it sounds like only a matter of time for you to get stronger so that you can take steps to change this situation. He has worn you down over so many years of this behavior but you are strong. Keep talking to the counselor and s/he will assist you to make the path ahead clearer for you. You do not deserve this treatment and he does have control over many of his behaviors so there is no excuse for this. Best wishes,
Beth

[quotidian_elite]

Hi Kerry,

It honestly doesn't sound like your husband has Asperger Syndrome. I am a clinician and a researcher in the area of neuropsychiatry, and have had experience with many clients, as well as an eight year-old son, with the condition, and I can tell you that narcissism, egocentrism, emotional aloofness, and physical/verbal abuse are *not in any way* defining characteristics of the condition. In fact, research has shown that people with the syndrome actually experience too much empathy, as I have *certainly* witnessed in many of my clients as well as my son. Gambling problems and hoarding are also not indicative of the condition


It *honestly* sounds like your husband is an *****le. I would leave now while I still could. If you *ever* need anything, please feel free to contact me anytime at siderius_andromedae@yahoo.com. I am *always* here for you!!