Phew lots of answers to write
I'll paste your queries in here in speach marks ok, it should make it easier for you.
"Sure, many of us want a large family and just WANT more or lots of children. I think if you think it's selfish to want a foster/adopt child to be a playmate, would it also be selfish because you wanted a child for YOURSELF, as well?"
None of our children are with us due to our want of children, for us it is because they need a family and we believe it would be selfish not to be parents to them, when we have the love, time and financial means to raise them. I think it is selfish to have children for your own want, I think children should be brought into a family with the want of giving someone a safe life. If that makes any sense.
"I mean, if I asked a grown adult who declares loving children what they like to be with children...they'd probably say they like to be with them, to spend time with them, to play with them and to share life with them. Does that sound wrong?"
Unless they mean in a parental sense, yes!
"Well, my children also like to spend time with other kids, to be with them, play with them and to share life with them. And so do I!
We want to foster/adopt as a way to grow our family. Is that bad?"
What your current children want has to mean nothing, unless they are very very against fostering or adopting. Your children already have siblings to do that with. It's not bad, it's how you do it, but I wouldn't make a foster parent truely a part of my family, unless they were being adopted. It seems wierd but after a few weeks you learn how to take care of them, without shunning them out of your family.
"Your reply to me left me feeling as if, in your opinion and experience, that it is unrealistic to believe that a fostered or foster/adopted child (ren) will not or cannot become a part of a normal, healthy family in which children laugh, cry, play, live and learn together. Is that what you are saying or am I mistaken in understanding this?"
It depends on the child, normally if they are very young (6 weeks to around 2 years) there are virtually no extra problems to what you would experience with your own children. Fostered children know their foster home is like a halfway hotel and they are not part of your family, they are part of their mum and dads family.
"I see posts where people state that one should NEVER leave a foster child alone with a bio child, ever because you just never know what experiences the child had and in which way they may act out and possibly abuse other children."
Unless a foster child was a baby or young toddler I would never leave them with anyone, not only that you should never leave a foster child alone apart from bedtime. If they are alone doing something in their bedroom you have to constantly check on them. A lot of foster children are quite violent due to what they have been exposed too and if they have been in care homes as due to the amount of children, misbehaving is the easiest way to get attention. To be fair your case worker should of taken the time to explain all of this to you.
"I've also seen posts where people felt that foster kids are just regular kids who have endured extraordinary experiences. They recommend to treat and raise the child as you would your own."
Treat them the same, but unless adoption is going to happen, don't treat them emotionally the same as your own children, you do think of they need to be loved etc, but most foster children are moved every 6 months. It's like, the lesser of two evils.
"I would imagine that each case would be different, each child to be handled accordingly as an individual...same as we do with bio children.
But it is confusing (hence my op) to know if we should be kind of afraid of the kids...to be on guard every moment waiting for them to do some unmentionable behavior or whether to just love them and be there for them and hope and pray you make a positive difference in their lives."
Of course each case is different, there is no reason to be on edge though, are you on edge all the time waiting for your own children to missbehave?
"How are we supposed to love and care for these kids when you, as an experienced child worker say they'll be terrors? Yeah, I hear what your'e saying about putting up with our kids' friends because we can't do much to them. Yeah, I've noticed this...but if they really get out of line...I DO respond to them in a similar manner as I do my bio children...who are largely well-behaved."
Would you dislike your own children for being naughty?
"Shouting and spanking might be scary or hurt for a few seconds or minutes but taking or witholding stuff they want hurts way more, on our experience."
Try telling that to a child who has been beaten and screamed at by the people who are supposed to always be there for them. Never ever raise your hand to anyone or shout at anyone infront of a fostered or adopted child.
"I actually got a similar response from a social worker who came out to our house to give us the run-down of how foster care works when we first inquired. The guy flat out told us that we had a very nice family...that kids in foster care were very messed up...and we would be smart to keep our family how it is."
I think it's because alot of people think, yeah we can do some good fostering. Then when the foster child arrives, they wonder why they aren't behaving, why their own children are behaving differently etc.
"Of others reading this...do you have experiences where you have bio kids and foster or foster/adopt kids...do your families play and get along together in a fairly normal, realistic sense or is it total mayhem and upheaval."
We have adopted children, we wouldn't foster while any of them are living at home, unless one decided to be a bum and be here in their twenties. Due to what I have seen with other families who are sometimes angry at their parents decision and jealous of how the foster child is treated. In a lot of foster families there is an Us and them feeling, which is why most people who are approved either are childless or are approved for babies and young toddlers.
"If my bio kids have a good time playing with them and if they have a good time playing with my bio kids then I do not understand why this should be a problem. I should think it would be ideal or even desireable?"
Once again, judging someone on the ability to play is wrong. What if you fostered a shy child, would you not want them because they don't want to play?
"We simply want to grow our family at the same time as opening our home to a child in need. Do you think it is impossible for bio and foster, foster/adopt kids to become true "siblings?""
I personally have only seen it work when a child has been adopted at a very young age, upto two years and the other children already in the family are older and have an understanding of where the new sibling came from.
As horrible as it sounds, alot of older foster children 4+ are often still in foster care because they have been turned down by adoptive parents due to behavior, past, disability etc. Or they have only recently entered the care system, so they are often in an extremely bad emotional and sometimes physical state. I really do think to be able to foster, you have to be ready to take on the worse possible senario and be willing to accept it.
You should talk to your case worker about partime fostering at first, which is weekend only, sometimes it is children who normally are in a childrens home, or sometimes for parents with disabilities who need respite, at least then you aren't jumping into the deepend but you are experiencing what it's like. Or you can be put in touch with a local foster carer or a local childrens home and spend sometime there. As then you wont have the pressure of the children being totally your responsibily 24/7, which should help you to learn exactly how you feel about it. There is no one out there who is totally sure and not worried, everyone is nervous about whether they can manage, will they be suitable etc.
The wait and the 'tests' are definately the worst parts though.
Frank
Beginning to panic
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