[Summerfield]

I am a SAHM to 4 kids, ages 9,6,4,1. I have been homeschooling for 3 years now and I never really had many problems with PS except that my DH traveled for a while and we wanted to go along with him and it worked out great for that first year we did so many fun things I fully dove into the homeschooling life and discovered all the great advantages to homeschool and the kids love it.

For some reason after we had our 4th baby (who is now over a year old) I am really not enjoying this as much. I get so frustrated because it is like running a 3 or 4 ring circus even though I try to only school the 2 older ones at once and then the preschooler seperately to allow for individual attention. I am in an intense stage with my 6 yr old son who is learning to read right now and struggling some. Anyway I can't help but feel like school is going well (better than last year even) but I am still really struggling personally, wishing I could feel good about sending them back to PS because I am so tired and I feel like I have lost myself sometimes. I love getting the credit for teaching the kids and how well they are doing and how happy they are but I feel like I am not as good of Mom when I am homeschooling....I get frustrated so much easier, it is harder to keep the house clean or even care about the house at all, I seem to want to tune out more now and find myself after school ignoring the kids more than I would like (well not ignoring but trying to get them to entertain themselves more than usual) and I just feel like I have nothing more to give.......which makes me not recognizing myself sometimes......I have been trying so hard to do my best but it just does not feel good enough when I think about how if my school age kids where in school how I could welcome them home with a neater house and we could have family time while I cook dinner and they could work on homework at the table, and then during the days I would have the two younger ones home with me and give them the attention they need from me instead of having the older ones care for them more while I tend to school stuff and the house etc. I just feel out of balance sometimes and wonder if I am really someone who should homeschool. I think I do a good job with the schooling part, I put a lot ot thought and effort into it but it is the rest of my life that suffers then......I have been really thinking on BALANCE lately and it has been weighing heavily on my heart, I have asked the kids if they want to go to PS and one would consider it and one doesn't want to just likes only having to do school 3 hours a day instead of all day at PS etc. I almost sent my DS to K this year because I love the teacher for K and I felt like he'd get a great year of PS if I did that but I decided to try to do it at home still and so far I think the year is exceeding my expectations and I am finding more patience and wisdom with it and he is making good progress and I should be really proud of that, but it seems like because I have to try so hard and be patient for that process that somewhere else suffers, like my patience in general about the other parts of parenting.

Does anyone else go thru this where they dream of having the kids in school and how they could be an involved parent and then it would free them up to be better at all the other things....when the kids were involoved I was chairman of the parent teacher group and I felt like a part of the community but now I feel less connected and feel bad that the kids don't get to do as much fun creative things like they used to bring home from school......I know they still do fun creative things at home but somehow it seems less rewarding for everyone when you have the clean-up, gripes from the kids, and have to orchestrate the whole thing. Sometimes I feel like the weight of their educations is so heavy!!!! I want them to be at or above the level of PS in case I don't end up being able to do this for their entire school career I would feel terrible if they ended up behind their age/grade level.

I guess I just needed somewhere to express my frustrations with how I feel like I have changed in some ways that are concerning to me and I can't seem to snap out of it no matter how much I want to be happy and enjoy this great process. I know it is good for everyone else in the family homeschooling but it only seems to take a toll on me and no one else in the situation.......what am I doing wrong here.....that it does not feel fullfilling and I feel more and more cranky and tired and blah each year we do it. I have a great support sytem anf fellow homeschooling Mom's both in our family and as friends. So far this year is going much better than last year because last year I had a new baby and all the hormonal stuff that went along with it, also DH is now working closer to home and I feel like I finally was able to relax and not have so much of the stress with him gone and I fell apart a little I think, I felt like I went from strong, content, and challenged (yet stressed because I had a new baby and he was gone all week long) to emotional, tired, cranky, and less satisfied on an almost daily basis once DH finally was able to come home (he is very supportive, caring, helpful, and loving). So I am a bit confused as to why I daydream about sending my kids to PS when I know they are doing so well where they are at here at home with homeschooling. It is just me that is the problem.

I know I need to do several things differently: I need to date my DH more (we don't do ANY of that now), I need to take more time for myself and something I like (right now I get VERY little of that), and I need to exercise and eat better overall.

I know I am using the right curriculum because that part it easier than ever and the kids really like it so that is a huge help and I know I feel right on target for their education goals etc it is just the emotional side of it.

Any one else out there that struggles with these feelings? Sorry to write a book ,it has just building and weighing on my heart lately. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Julie

[twinzplus3]

Gosh. . .honestly. . .I think your expectations are way too high! I know you say you're using the right curriculum but I'm wondering if you're a slave to it. . .if you feel like you have to get through a certain amount.

Sending our kids to ps is not an option so I make it work--it simply has to. But when dd was 6 and the twins were newborns. . .it was tough. I don't think you're alone on feeling overwhelmed but it sounds to me like you have way high expectations for the individual attention each child gets and perhaps that you're compartmentalizing school and life. (In others words, they can and do mix.)

I'm not sure if that's what you wanted to hear, but I don't think you're alone in how you're feeling at all. I'm here often as I'm a blogger here, so feel free to PM me.

Do you have a support group?

[Summerfield]

I have started a support group with 3 other homeschoolers and it is just getting off the ground and has helped a lot. I kinda wonder if a lot of what I am feeling is because I hardly ever get out of the house without the kids....last night I had a Mom's night out and when I came home I was anxious to tuck the kids in and really listen to them instead of wanting to get them to bed so I could relax.....so I spent special time with each and listened and visited with them (we all loved it) and that is more of what I like to see in myself......so maybe I should try a manditory Mommy Time each week to do whatever so I won't have to be responsible for 4 lives at all times!

I know my expectations probably are too high, lots of people tell me that but I don't know how to change my expectations......it doesn't seem like to much to expect me to be patient, kind, and genuinely enjoy my kids, but for some reason that is not happening.

Julie

[twinzplus3]

You have just described why I have a part time job! I freelance from home and ironically, I write about homeschooling and babies but the idea that I'm "talking" to other adults is a sanity saver! But yes, definitely try the manditory mom's night out. ( I even like grocery shopping now bc it's all by myself--mostly!)

It's too much to expect yourself to be always patient, always kind, and to always genuinely enjoy your kids. Would you expect your spouse to be perfect? Of course not. . .there has to give and take in the marriage right? Well, with kids you love them unconditionally but there are times when they're annoying, and they aren't kind, and they are whiny and well. . .it's normal to be angry, annoyed and/or want them to go to sleep so you can have time to yourself. I think it's what you do from there that matters. I hope I'm making sense.

You also can build in house cleaning and other 'tasks' into your homeschooling routine. Maybe you're doing that. . .but I find that it helps us kind of keep the floor a little less crunchy.

I'll also say (didn't you say that you had a 1yo?) that now that the twins are older. . .life is sooooooo much easier. It takes awhile.

[Summerfield]

Well I am hoping it is going to get easier because ya the 1 year old is a climber now and an escapee! He tries to escape the house and he climbs everything from the table to the bunk bed ladder!!! We have had to alter our lives a lot to prevent him from injuring himself!

Tell me more about how you incorperate routines/chores INTO school......I have made some chore sheets for each day of the week helping the kids stay more focused and I have them as well for myself and I do excellent with that when I stick to it, unfortunately as much as it helps me stay focused and accomplish a lot I tend to "forget" about that great system and fly by the seat of my pants more than I'd like.

I definately feel like I am having trouble balancing everything, when I do good in school I don't do so hot in housework, or if I do great on the house that day school suffered......I am not sure what you mean by compartmentalizing....but I do find myself lacking in one area or another if I am doing good in others, if I am a great Mom, then my wife role slips a bit, or if I have a clean house I am a crab with the kids because I want the house to stay nice longer than 5 mins....etc..does this make sense?

I keep trying to tell myself that this time in my life it is OK to have a messier house, and be stressed because it is such a relatively short time in my life compared to have many years we will have (hopefully) with the kids grown and married off etc......so I keep trying to remind myself this is just a short time in my life and to just try to enjoy it and quit fighting my limitations.

Jules

[twinzplus3]

You definitely should not see my house then! Here's one trick I use. . .although I have to run out the door soon. I school year round. I don't know how strict your state regulations are. . .but here, I'd have to do 6 hours a day if I followed a school calendar. So I don't. My 2yos, & 4yo would never find a way to entertain themselves for that long and I don't know that they should. KWIM?

And yes, I get the climbing thing! UGH! No advice--just empathy.

Anyhow, by schooling year round I get as much done in one year but in smaller chunks. We still take off quite a bit of time. . .just not during the summer. I also don't feel obligated to stick to my curriculum. . .I mean I follow it. . .but if baking needs to get done that day (I make all my kids' snacks from scratch to save money) then we bake and that's math. I don't find my kids suffer for it. . .they're already grade levels ahead of where they'd be in school.

Ya know, as I'm thinking about it. . .my dh does do a lot of chores around the house too. Does your dh help out or no? Yikes. . .speaking of climbing toddlers. . .

[Summerfield]

Yes my DH does help out a lot and I feel guilty when he has to, this was always my dream to be a SAHM and wife and now as I ask my daughter to do the laundry all the time and as DH has to do dishes that have piled up and or mop the floor that I have neglected for no good reason aside from just feeling overwhelmed at times (it is not like I don't have time to do all these things I just can't seem to get the motivation to want them done enough to do them myself). Last night at our homeschooling Mom's meeting several mom's mentioned how they have their kids do a lot of the house work all the time, dishes, bathrooms, laundry, even dinners! I was so releived to hear that because I have been feeling bad for making my kids do so much of what I was supposed to do, even though I knew it was good for them to learn to do it and to pitch in I just hated the idea of them doing my stuff especially if I took a moment to relax or have down time WHILE they were doing chores......maybe I should be sure to also be doing some chores while they do that and only then once we are done do I relax?
Julie

[twinzplus3]

Wow. . .I think I admire your sense of ownership of your home. I guess I feel like we all live here. . .we all pitch in. I also really feel like chores are a valuable learning experience for them. They are things that they'll actually need to know, doing chores teach organization, and we like to pay our kids for some of the chores so that they have it in their heads that people have to work for their money. In a way, I would feel like I was doing a disservice to my children if I did things for them.

My kids each have their own things that they like to do and they are so young I don't fuss over it. They also are young enough that suffice it to say, they don't always do things well. . .depending on how old the child is. . .I may totally go back and redo it and if someone drops by. . .I just say, "Just ignore that pile of mismatched shoes. One of my 'twins' organized it!" No one seems to mind.

So everyone takes responsibility for their own things. . .their beds have to sort of be made, dirty clothes in the hamper, shoes in their shoe spot, coats hung up, backpacks emptied daily, and toys away. They take turns taking responsibility for common areas like the living room. So my oldest will do the living room with one twin helping. They each have their own dust pan and their own Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. So on Saturdays for one or two hours, we clean the walls with the Magic Eraser, vacuum, sweep, dust, etc. (They take turns doing those things.) Laundry has to be done every day (and unbelievably we do most of it by hand) and so my husband does that with me and either my oldest dd or ds clean the bathroom after us. (Just the floors.) But chores are always, always a family affair unless I have one of those special projects to do like clean behind the refrigerator. IF I or dh needs to do a project and we'd rather not have kids around, the other spouse takes the kids out. . .but that's rare. We usually just all do it together. Understand my house is not sparkly shiny but I'm neither am I embarassed if someone pops in.

Oh and my oldest two kids take turns doing lunch. My 4yo seems to feel as if she owns the baking domain and so she 'helps' there too but eventually, I'll give her that chore.

[Summerfield]

Thanks for that info! Sounds like you have a great balance figured out! I will keep trying to find the right balance and pray I can feel more OK with things that way they are.
I know I need to schedule some time away here and there to remain fresh and ready to tackle life and school with 4 kids!
Jules

[twinzplus3]

Well. . .sometimes. Sometimes it's just a complete diaster anyways! Finding that balance is hard and if you struggle with it, you're in good company (present included).