[leebro]

I need to know how I can build a better relationship with my soon to be step-daughter. I'm engaged to a man whom has three children, 18, 15 and 12yo. Their Mother died 4.5 years ago.
I moved into their house 6 moths ago and have really enjoyed building relationships with the younger 2 kids. However the 18yo is a lot harder for me to bond with and understand. I don't treat her like the younger kids, as to me she's basically an adult. We are courteous to each other and on the surface it seams ok. But there is no real communication and I don't feel I can say what I want to her. She is self-absorbed and probably classed as a typical teenager. Her Dad and I tried to discuss this with her, and also how she felt about the changes in the house. But she insisted that everything was ok, and she was happy.

I'm unsure how to bond with her, or just get better communication. Any suggestions or comments will be appreciated.

[purelegance]

it's going to be hard, as you said she's pretty much an adult. meaning, she's older & had a lot more time with her mother. she may be concerned that her dad's trying to replace her, which isn't the case.

that being said, i can't see why a nice shopping trip can't jumpstart. after all, what teenage girl doesn't like to shop? instead of the local mall.. is there one maybe 2 hours away? different atmosphere & shops. you can learn a lot about somebody when looking at clothes & grabbing a bite to eat in a food court.

[Labhaoise]

Hi and congrats on your upcoming wedding!
I think Amber (purelegance) is right on the money. Take her out shopping or to a movie, but I think I'd ask if she'd like to go with you, and/or that you want to spend time with her and thought shopping could be fun. While you're out go to a nice cafe or restaurant for lunch.
If that still doesn't work, it could just be that she's being a teenager. Does she act the same way with her father?

Goodluck and have fun shopping! (or whatever you decide)

[YYC]

Excellent idea with the shopping. Good for you looking for advice on this one. Dealing with a near adult will be a bit different than the younger ones for sure....and remember this will take time, dont expect miracles over night...you are likely in for years of growing pains as you all adjust to the new situation. Another more general and broad suggestion would be to take an interest in something she likes to do....dont have to be phony about it, but if you took a subtle interest you might find something you could do together....other than 'shop'....Dad will thank me for that one...ha!
All the best to you!

[DianeRay]

If, for whatever reason, the shopping trip doesn't work, I would suggest just being patient. Show yourself to be available and open to a relationship with her, but don't force it or impose it.
You don't mention how long you've been with this man, or have known his children. Perhaps she needs a bit of time to adjust to the idea.
Also, as you say, she is an adult. I would try to approach the relationship from the point of a friend, not a mother.
Best of luck