[Kirst10]

I have been with a man for 1 year. We have known each other most of our lives. Both divorced over 5 years ago. He has 2 kids (11 & 13) who are with him 50% of the time, I have none. We each own our homes.

I am allergic to cats. His kids have a cat. He keeps the cat in the basement when I am there. Allergies are affected by dander and hair rather than the actual animal in the room so that makes very little difference.

We began talking about moving in last July. At that time he said he would get rid of the cat in August when the kids went away. This was in hopes of making it easier if they hadn't seen it in a while. The cat is currently in living in the house.

I have spoken to him seriously twice this fall about the affect it has on my health and my being very uncomfortable in his house. I spent the first months of our relationship half stoned at his house on allergy pills. Obviously this is no way to live, and drugs don’t make it completely better. Now that I no longer take pills he sees my puffing eyes, running nose, rashes etc.

This weekend my allergies were bad and I asked when he was going to get rid of the cat. He said he doesn’t want to deal with the kids tears. The fact that the kids’ happiness comes before my health disturbs me. I am now questioning whether I want to be with this man at all. Now I am resenting him. I don’t feel the strong love and affection I had for him only a short time ago. I feel like he has been “humoring me” without intent to do anything.
How can let him know the seriousness this is doing to us without appearing to be a controlling nagging neurotic girlfriend? I don’t want to play games about it and simply stop going to his house or make him try to figure out why I am pulling away. I truly am seeing him in a different light after his brief uncaring comment.

[QueenAngie]

So, last August (over 4 months ago), he promised to remove
the cat due to your health issues.

Nothing has changed with the cat.

You have severe allergies.
You have physical symptoms.
You are allergic to the dander and hair of that cat.

Seems like his priorities are confused, if he wishes to continue
a relationship w/ you.

Could the cat move in with the kids & their mother? If the answer is "No," I'd be searching for a new boyfriend.

[mcmama]

The reality is that the guy has priorities. Doing a 50/50 custody arrangement requires a lot of giving up in a parent's life.

He's not going to give up the kids, and he's not going to give up something that makes them feel at home. Pets are sometimes a transition for kids going between homes. He probably feels awkward about explaining this to you, but the kids are going to come first.

So rather than make it a contest - you or the cat - try to find other solutions for your allergies. Vacuuming, different meds, brushing the cat. A lot of pet dander allergies are triggered by what the pet leaves behind, not just if the pet is in the room - so he's gotta vacuum!!! Maybe an air filter too.

[Momof2kids]

I agreed 100 percent with Queen Angie.

[pattiewrites]

Good ideas Janet. Also, get rid of carpeting when possible and keep the cat out of the bedroom. My husband has cat allergies and asthma, let the kids get a cat and now won't make them get rid of it. The doctor said no pets in the sleeping area at least. I read some research a few years ago in the vet's office that said people get an immunity over time to their own cat when they live with it. Allergies improve with only that cat. It has held true for my husband with 2 different cats over the years. But he still can't be around a strange cat for long at all. Oh and you can give the cat a bath. They aren't crazy about it, but they get used to it and it does help.

[MissyChrissy]

Originally Posted by mcmama

The reality is that the guy has priorities. Doing a 50/50 custody arrangement requires a lot of giving up in a parent's life.

He's not going to give up the kids, and he's not going to give up something that makes them feel at home. Pets are sometimes a transition for kids going between homes. He probably feels awkward about explaining this to you, but the kids are going to come first.

So rather than make it a contest - you or the cat - try to find other solutions for your allergies. Vacuuming, different meds, brushing the cat. A lot of pet dander allergies are triggered by what the pet leaves behind, not just if the pet is in the room - so he's gotta vacuum!!! Maybe an air filter too.

I agree with this. You can't pitch yourself 'against' his kids...it's not fair. There are all kinds of different medications available...and even if they all fail, so what? You live separately till his kids are grown. It's not really that long from now-time flies by. You only get one childhood---let those kids enjoy what's left of theirs.