[grandrapidsgirl]

I am a forty-one year old woman with two children, six and seven. I left a violent eight-year marriage a year and a half ago. Soon after my divorce I met a wonderful man of 52 who has never been married or had children. We soon became a couple, as we enjoyed our time together immensely and he and my children adored each other. After about ten months we began to speak about marriage and children. A couple of months later, and with four days' notice, he told me he was taking in a three-year-old foster child. He had not mentioned his interest in foster parenting before. I was shocked and told him that I would support the decision but that we needed to prepare for this together, and to prepare my children for the new child. He refused to even speak to them about it, saying they would "get used to it." Needless to say, there was nothing but fighting, pouting, crying and that sort of thing for weeks.
It has been about eight months now since this happened, and everything is a mess. We do not live together and it is not possible for him to come over to see us much anymore, though we live very close. My children felt and continue to feel betrayed by him, as they had grown attached to him and now see him walking with, holding hands with and living with and caring for this child who came from nowhere, when they felt he was going to be a father to them. My boyfriend takes the child to visit his friends, on vacation with him, etc., and the child is given gifts, clothing and taken on outings by his family and friends, even though I am struggling to care for my own children on one salary and give them a happy life and a solid family structure. My boyfriend seems to enjoy immensely being seen as the hero to this child by his friends, though few of them know that he kind of has two other children they have never met. He and the child have the home life that I longed for us to have together, but our own plans have all been put on hold indefinitely.
Also, the night he told me about the child coming, he promised we would care for him together, but instead when he goes out he leaves the child with a babysitter who has become like a mother to him. My boyfriend takes none of my advice about raising the child, although he has never been around a child before. I have tried so hard, as shocked and hurt as I was about his solo decision, to bring our families together, but my boyfriend has totally shut me out. When I complain he says, "You never wanted him. You don't want him." And it's true though I have tried to overcome it. When I look at this child I think of the terrible life my girls and I had during my marriage and how happy my boyfriend and we were before this child came. I don't know what to do. He admits that he should not have taken the child without discussing it with me, but now it's "too late" he says and I have to deal with it. He says, "Don't you have enough love in your heart for a poor, helpless little boy?"
I cannot help but feel that this child has become more important to him than our relationship and our future together. He told me that he didn't know if we were going to work out, and that he wanted a child, so he took this foster child to assure that he would. He agreed to start trying to have a baby with me, but he seems to deliberately avoid me when he knows I am ovulating, or at least doesn't care enough to see me. I had a fertility test done last month and it was borderline; the doctor said, don't wait. But my boyfriend doesn't seem to be worried at all. We were about to get engaged before the child came, and since then my boyfriend pretends he was joking about marriage "so fast." I don't know what to do. My boyfriend puts the child in daycare for nine hours a day, and then takes him out socializing with different friends almost every night, when I am here waiting to be a loving mother with open arms, cooking meals, playing with and helping the children with their homework, going to church with them, etc. Most baffling, my daughters thought of the child as a little brother at first, until he was taken out of our lives.
Why would a man not want this child to have the company of two other loving children and potential siblings? What would you do in my situation? Just leave? My boyfriend took the child to Florida last week for seven days and left us home again. It's now been three weeks since I saw the child, and when I saw him on Saturday he did not even remember who I was. It breaks my heart. I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought perhaps someone from the fostering community could shed some light on this painful situation. Thank you so much.

[purelegance]

why is it not possible for him to visit?

he has taken this child in as his own, so it would seem odd to me if he DIDN'T buy the child clothes, take him on outings or introduce him to friends & family.

i think you are already viewing your boyfriend as your husband, and expecting him to act as such. imo, a year & a half is a very short time to divorce & heal from an abusive relationship and move into another serious relationship.

[grandrapidsgirl]

Hi, and thanks so much for responding.
The problem is that he included us in everything until he took in the foster child, and now he never does, and he lies to me about everything.
For example, he has a boat on a lake near here and, last Summer, my daughters, he, his brother and I were there, having a great time. This season, it's just he, his brother and the child, and he lies to me about where he is going on the days they go to the lake. On Easter, he promised to come to my mom's house for dinner and then, at the last minute, said he wasn't coming because he was having his family over instead. We were welcome to "stop by later." In the Fall, his foster child will start kindergarten at my daughters' school. i offered to take his little one to school in the morning, as he won't start until 10 and my boyfriend sometimes has to be to work by nine. He never responded to me, but I found out from a neighbor that he is having another woman on our block watch him in the morning and take him to school rather than me.
The issue about the clothing, outings, etc. is that these are things given by my boyfriend's friends who have never even met my children, because my boyfriend deliberately keeps them away, even though he said he was going to take care of them and even asked them what color they wanted their bedroom to be in "our" new house. When there is a party, an event or anything else, my boyfriend takes the child and leaves my children at home. He took the child on vacation by themselves to Florida for a week even though he "does not have time" to go somewhere nearby overnight with all of us. I don't think I am being clear about our relationship. We knew each other for a long time and were very, very close. He told me I was the one he had been waiting for, and that we would be married soon and have children. I went to the obstetrician for a fertility test, and he has never kept his appointment with the urologist. Does this make more sense?
As for me, yes, I know a year and a half is not long, but my former spouse and I were separated more than we were together throughout our marriage.
Thank you for reading. Your little one is beautiful. Part of this is about that he told me, when I was thirty nine, that he wanted to have a baby so badly; I did so much feel that I was meant to have another child too. I would not have started seeing him unless he did. Now that door is closing and he won't even discuss it with me.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Sounds like once the foster child arrived, your relationship stopped growing, and in fact, went backwards.

What a shame!

Is he the one? Does not sound like it to me from what you have written.

Time to start looking elsewhere for Mr. Right.

Wishing you all the best!

[jkl123]

I think you are better off moving on.

My guess is that when he was with you, he realized he wanted children, to experience life as a parent, and to have a family... just realized he wanted to do it WITHOUT you. And he doesn't know how to let you down easy, so all these things he is doing (or NOT doing) are his subtle hints. I know that sounds harsh, but from an outsider's point of view, that is the way it seems.

Would you really want him to be a father to the girls, when chances are, he'll show favoritism to the little boy? Also, fostering a child is not something you just decide you're going to do one day and call up social services and say I want a kid. He had to fill out paperwork, go through interviews and background checks. Hedid all this without your knowledge, so it sounds to me like he was planning to move on for quite some time.

For your children's sake, it would be nice if he could remain in their lives as a friend, but I don't think this guy is husband material.

[Samual]

Why do you want him to value you, over his child? Do you put him before your own children? Why shouldn't he spend time alone with his child, if you think it is odd that he buys his child clothes and takes him on days out, then what do you think is suitable? Parents that don't buy their kids clothes, take them out places, or love or care for them are the ones landing children like your boyfriends son in care in the first place.

I don't see why you believe he should share his money with you, you aren't his wife, you don't live together, you don't seem to have a relationship. The way to prevent your own child being hurt was to wait until you had been dating this man for a long while instead of introducing your children to him straight away, that is irresponsible. Why would you plan a child with a man you aren't in a relationship with?

Why are you angry that his friends are buying his child clothes? Would you by a complete stranger clothes for their children? The majority of your post suggests that you want this man to simply buy you things and supply you with money and any other things you want.

As someone who is married to a social worker, I think you need to do a lot of research, have you take any steps to become a registered foster carer? Have you bothered to have a home study or do you expect him to do everything you want when you want? Thats what it sounds like reading your post.

[grandrapidsgirl]

yes, yes, and yes, I tried in every possible way to co-parent this chiild. There was TWO DAYS NOTICE from the time my boyfriend told me he was a foster parent at all until the time the child came. I bought the child clothing, toiletries, bedding, toys and offered to put him in private school instead of daycare with my own money, but all of this was rejected. Does anyone understand that my boyfriend who proposed to me and thought of my own children as his rejected all of the stuff I bought for his foster child, the company of my children, my babysitting, my mothering, etc. etc. etc.?
I took the child for his shots--ten of them--myself because my boyfriend hates needles; I took him for a physical and a dental exam, I took him to register for school. When he was squared away, my boyfriend shut us out, me and my daughters. And all who feel so defensive of my boyfriend, did you read how he takes him to bars five nights a week and drives him home while drunk instead of having him to my house to have dinner with my girls and play?

[grandrapidsgirl]

jkl123 sorry I did not see your post; yes, you are right on target. I have suggested this to him a hundred times: you wanted a family and you have one, without the wife to worry about--and the two other kids. He keeps denying it and saying that he is just taking care of the little boy until he can go home, and that my girls and me are more important. But I know you are right. It is so hard to just know something and get closure from yourself when the other person won't say it. Part of the problem is that this is a fifty-one-year-old man who has never been around a child before. He franklyis terrible at parenting, and I am a mom of ten years and two kids and feel that he should be taking my advice (he took it around the clock for the first month!) , but he just wants to do it alone. There is nothing I can say; it is none of my business. It's hard to swallow because he said he wanted to be with my girls and me forever, but has chosen not to, and chosen to not tell me.

[mollymae]

If he's drunk driving with this child you need to inform the authorites.

[Thx4My4Angels]

Hi there,
You have a responsibility to your OWN children to be strong and move on. They have been through enough with your previous husband and you do not need to be hanging on to this guy who has clearly moved on himself. Instead of worrying about his promise worry about your girls. Find them some kind of support or counseling especially since only a year and a half ago you just got out of that abusive relationship!
Be a good role model for your girls and don't fall into another unhealthy relationship! Get some family counseling!