[smarie]

I have a question to the families.com community. My ex boyfriend and I had been dating over 4 years. We have been through a TON together..really bad, really good, and so so. We have faced what alot of others have on this site..some cheating, some lying...and alot of heated arguments due to lack of communication and trust.

About 5 months ago we broke up. He had told me he WANTED to work on things..go to counselling, see if we could heal what was broken, and IF we could, he wanted to be with me. We were still intimate and I had asked him NUMEROUS times over the time we had been broken up IF there was anyone else he was involved in or talking to. Over and over again, I was told no....I was yelled at, told not to ask again or "Save this answer for the next time you ask". Recently, I found a post he had made asking about helping a "woman he has been seeing for the last four months" finacially for her and her two kids..calling her a friend and a "partner". Mind you..this is the same person who has been going to counselling with me and still sleeping with me AND telling me he wasn't talking to anyone. Come to find out..they met at a gas station months ago, and he gave her his phone number ..he says he had low self esteem at the time (which anyone can understand right?) and that they only talked on the phone..never saw each other or were intimate.

When I saw the post, I confronted him on it, he lied until he finally said "ok, yes, I have been talking to someone but I haven't talked to her in a week" and said he wanted things to work with me..that he loved me, recognized it was wrong, but said he didnt think he had cheated (i dont think so either) or betrayed me. He told me he would "work thru it with me" and would be there for any questions I had. After three days, alot of tears....I'm still nervous and anxious. I call him when he's at work...even when he asks me not to...I'm so scared that he is still with her and still lying to me, that it consumes my thoughts.and my sleeping and waking moments. I feel so hurt...and devastated, because I have tried so hard over the last two years to prove MYSELF to him. Even during the time we have been broken up, I have stayed true to hoping we would reconcile..because that's what HE said he wanted.
My question is...what would you do now if you were me? Or him? He has alot of explanations why he did it. He says I dont understand and I'm just mad because I want him to see things MY way. I dont think I do..I just want compassion and to know things are different. When he gets mad..he will yell and scream and tell me "Just walk away"..but then will email or call with the desire to stay together. I'm confused guys. Any ideas!????

[QueenAngie]

Welcome!

He is playing house w/ both of you. Just walk away & don't look back. You deserve so much more!


Pls get tested for STDs!

[MissyChrissy]

I totally agree with Annie. He's using you and you're letting him. Time to cut him out of your life for good. He'll continue as long as you allow it. Be firm, be strong, and good luck! You DO deserve much better.

[vanaden]

I agree ladies, he's jerking you around on a chain,just because he can. He's manipulating you and you're sticking up for him it seems. He did lie even when you said you don't think he cheated on you. He's still betraying you when he's saying "nothing's happening" and come to find out, wah-la! it is. Find yourself someone who's not a liar, for real

[smarie]

He would say I am getting what I deserve. Another part of this story is three years ago, we were having alot of struggles. We would break up, I would go on a dating site, he would find me, I would come off, get back together and it happened a few times. One of the last times it happened, I went back on after a huge fight. I was looking for attention (NO EXCUSES..it wasn't right) because I felt like he was paying attention to any and all other females but me..so, the way to get attention without actually "cheating" (which, when your online and dating someone else, emotional cheating is cheating period) was to go online and have guys tell me what I wanted to hear from him..how attractive I was..that someone wanted me. Wrong I know. I did get caught and for three years, I stayed and proved myself that HE was what I wanted..I opened myself up to being checked on, emails checked, and voicemails listened to. I honestly wanted him to see that I did want things to work and for the last two years I have put every ounce of who I am and what I am out there so there would never be anything hidden again. This is the second time this has happened and both times he has told me I deserved it. The reality of it is..I want to believe him. I guess I know that I'm not perfect (far from it) and everyone makes mistakes...and if he says he is telling the truth who am I to question him. He told me he would work thru this with me, but after only a few days of "allowing" me to work thru this, he has now said he is done, he doesnt want to talk about it anymore, he said sorry and I need to deal with it. If I cant, then there is nothing left to say to each other and that's that. I love this guy truly with everything I have...I'm trying so hard to figure it out. I dont WANT to walk away , because I truly believe everyone (including me) makes mistakes and who I am to say someone hasn't changed? Am I making excuses? Maybe. I have to say this is an emotional roller coaster for me. One minute he's saying how much he wants to work things out, he would love to see us together if "major" issues get fixed and we will always be in each others lives. If I call too much, or try to talk about what happened, he tells me he's "had enough" and he's "not dealing with my questions every day" and how much I think I'm a victim and maybe it's best we never talk to each other again. Ugh..this is so difficult.

[Possibility_girl]

no one is perfect but that dosnt mean you have to stay in a poisonous relationship. I would move on. Yes, there is a point where you do have to deal with it and move on, you have to make a choice to trust him or not tust him, what do YOU want for your life?? to a point he shoulnt have to deal with your questions everyday, if you are feeling insecure, and thats okay to feel that way, then you need to talk and let him know how you are feeling, but not question his every move, but honestly, i think you need to move on , take time to heal from this, there are plenty of other guys out there, start fresh and with trust. you shouldnt be living like this. he broke your trust, there is no going back, if you feel you cant trust him anymore, and you have every reason not to, then its time to cut your losses and move on. who cares what he sais, what he calls you. you need to move on for you, you know you are a great personwho has been hurt, and he may hurt you to make him self fee better and justified.

[Possibility_girl]

PS,
think about this..........

there is no "fixing". it is what it is, he is who he is and you are who you are, what are the facts in the relationship? by looking at it how, who he is and who you are, is this what you want? be honest with yourself, this is abut you, its your life, how do you want it to be.

[MissyChrissy]

What you did was 3 years ago and totally irrelevant to what he's doing now. If he chose to forgive you then, then it stays in the past.

By trying to blame his actions on you, he's just manipulating you. It's time to put this whole thing to rest for once and for all.

[smarie]

Thank you all for your messages..even the private ones. I know what I need to do..the hard part is doing it. It's progressively gotten worse and rather than sitting in this resentment, mistrust, and heartache, I need to do what everyone has told me I need to do...not only here, but friends and family as well. Thank you again.