[thfam]

Okay I'm looking for some non-biased responses (as in not opinions from friends or family) so I decided to post here. A few weeksago my husband told me had had cheated on me. It wasn't recent it was quite some time ago. I don't know what caused this sudden onset of honesty. He has apologized profusely and has said he will do anything to get our relationship back. He has done questionable thngs in the past but I never dreamed he would actually cheat on me. He has been completely honest with me (I think) since telling me the truth about the affair. Of course I was angry and upset and I still feel betrayed (which is a normal response I know). He says he wants to work things out and will go to any lengths to do so. A part of me wants to believe him, but the other part is afraid of what will happen if I do go that route. I do still love him, though it's incredibly complicated right now. We do have kids together and a divorce could potentially devastate them and I don't want to hurt them. I'm considering counseling (we have done it before but for other reasons) and it's almost as if everyone in my life already has my mind made up for me, I'm getting a divorce and that's it, no questions asked.
These things have happened to other people I know and other people's parents I know and they didn't all necessarily end in divorce. With all the pressures of real life I need to ask people outside of my immediate circle, what do you do in this situation? I'm afraid if I don't stand up for myself as far as my friends and family go, I'll end up making a huge mistake by rushing into a divorce, but on the same note I'm afraid if I do try to work this out that, as genuine as he has been in talking to me and trying to work this out just amongst ourselves, that I will wind up getting hurt again. Going to counseling is not something I will compromise on as far as trying to work it out because I feel like we have to go now just to get our feelings and what not more out in the open in an environment that counseling offers. Maybe someone else can help so I know whether I'm making a mistake in whatever route I choose. My question is this, can you truly get past something like this and have a healthy marriage afterwards?

[PetScribe]

Thfam,

Sorry to hear about your situation. But yes, you can recover from infidelity. Stick by your guns on the counseling. Your instincts are dead-on about that one. It will help you heal.

Infidelity is NOT the end of the world. Think of it like a very bad accident of a physcial kind. A broken leg, a car accident...anything that creates an injury you'll need time to heal from. In this case, it's your soul, not so much your body, that needs the time.

But you can heal. If he wants to stick with the marriage and loves you, that will be a HUGE help in helping you heal. So will the counseling.

As far as the kids...staying together solely for them if you're going to bear a grudge and make life miserable on him? Don't do it. It will mess them up more in the long run.

But if you do stay together, try to keep the info of the infidelity from them. That's not their business. It's between you two.

And as far as being able to recover?

My aunt found out her husband was having an affair years ago. (I want to say it was the early 80s.) Like you, everyone assumed she'd divorce. Her 3 kids weren't all that small, pre-teen and teen, so still at home. But they are incredibly wealthy and part of her deciding to stay was not wanting to give up her lifestyle. (Another part was her religion, and another part was because she honestly did love him. Like you suggested, it's complicated all the factors that go into deciding whether to stay or go.)

They had some rough years and the kids knew about it all (in fact, one of my cousins was the one who actually caught his dad with his mistress at the office on accident) so it was very hard on them. The one who caught them is still messed up from it all to this day.

BUT...my aunt and uncle? They are closer than ever now. They travel together and have found in their golden years that they appreciate the same things and truly enjoy each other's company. The affair was hurtful, harmful, my uncle would never do that again to any of them, and my aunt knows this and forgives him for doing it in the first place.

That's how she's learned to heal. Forgiveness was key. And she's very glad she didn't divorce him. We were even talking about that recently and she confided that those years immediately after finding out were awful. She was depressed all the time and she doesn't know how they ended up making it through. But she's glad she suffered through them because ever since, and especially the last 10 years or so, have been the best of their lives. She felt sure she would have ended up alone and even more miserable had she divorced. And she truly does enjoy his company and loves him heart and soul.

So if you can find it in you to forgive him, and if you do trust he loves you, try to heal yourself and your marriage. It's better to try and fail than regret not giving it a go at all.

Good luck.