[hrsp2000]

Hello,
I have this problem I can't seem to get over, and I could really use some help, or advice. Here it is:
While I was growing up, I acted as a mother to my youngest brother. I called him "baby" all the time, I never used his name. I always was the one to give him affection, or make him feel safe, my mother and I have talked, and we both know, that for quite a few years, I was his mother-figure. It's hard to describe totally or explain, but, thats what happened. My mom suffered from serious post-partum depression after he was born, it was very difficult. He is six years younger than me, and I remember rocking him to sleep when he was less than a year old. It is strange to think of myself now as a six-seven year old, putting him to bed, but that is just the way it was.
When I left home to go to college, I remained close with him, but, since at that time I hadn't really acknowledged that I was basically like his mother, I was having all these feelings, and I didn't know where to put them. I didn't understand. I never wanted to betray my own mother, or think of her as less than wonderful, so I couldn't put it all together.
Eventually, I got into a relationship at school. My first relationship ever. I fell into the role of taking care of him. I felt guilty for taking care of my boyfriend and not my brother, at times. It was odd. And horrible. He would actually get jealous of the attention I showed to my brother and to my mom. I felt torn.
I have since broken off the relationship, which became quite unhealthy, I think. But, I feel like in the midst of it all, I abandoned my brother. I don't know, he seems fine. I hope he is all right. I sometimes think I am crazy for thinking that he would not be fine without me. I dont know, its just really hard. And sad. I feel really guilty.
I even feel bad for my mom, who I know regrets her depression and her inability to connect with him. I hope she does now, I think things have gotten better since I moved out and went to school. But it leaves me feeing kind of left in the dust too. Like, I don't quite know my place anymore.
I can't seem to just let go of it all. I want to move on and have things be healthy and right, but it still makes me sad. I don't want to make anything worse. I certainly don't want to involve my brother in what is really my problem. I just wonder if anyone else had to take on the parental role in their childhood, and if there is any good advice or books for this kind of situation. Another kind of important fact: My mom would leave sometimes, when I was a kid. After my brother was born. If she would fight with my dad, she would just go away for a few days, I remember. She also spent a lot of time at our neighbor's house, and I was home with my brother. I had to call her a lot to get her to come home. I think this added to everything.
Thanks for reading,
Heather