Can't stand my mother/-in law
Hi, where to start, where to start- this is my first post, I came here after some desperate googling for help. This'll likely be long, but I'll keep it as short as I can, but without background... well, you know. Thanks in advance to anyone who actually reads all of this, much less tries to help.
I grew up in northern Kentucky and southern Indiana in a close-knit family- grandparents (who had moved to KY from Alabama), aunt and uncle, 2 cousins, my mom, and a stepdad some of the time (my mom was married 3 times, my dad left when I was 2). Lived most of my life in southern Indiana a few minutes from the border, including about 24 years of my life in the same house, after we moved following my mom's last divorce, which capped off a 7-year marriage.
Grew up and had a 9-year relationship, got married, got divorced, met someone new, got married. My wife is a wonderful human being who also comes from a close-knit family that sort of disintegrated in the last few years over stupid stuff. Her parents were abusive during her upbringing and her mother is an alcoholic and a kleptomaniac of the worst kind; her father pretty much turned a blind eye to everything and, although his wife is no longer physically abusive or actively drinking, he can't sleep for worrying about his wife's stealing. The woman is also a habitual liar (albeit a very bad one, but she does it all the time), thinks that she's more intelligent than everyone else, and goes off anytime someone does something that she doesn't like/doesn't approve of/criticizes her/confronts her with the truth... you get the idea. She's a control freak, and they live in squalor and take it with them; their house burned because of the mess that they had accumulated, and they moved in with my wife's sister and her daughter. After said sister had enough, this woman actually moved back into her CONDEMNED house (which had had some work done over 5 years, but no running water or electricity until recently) and went off on the people that housed her, calling her own granddaughter a 'little b*tch' and saying on one occasion that she wishes that she had fallen out of their car and died.
My mother is a tight-fisted control freak as well, and is paranoid about everything. Unfortunately I am her entire life, and I'm not the one saying that; she's said it on many occasions. She has called me (on average) more than once every single day of my life since I started school. She never has anything to say, just wants to grill me on what we're all doing and criticize me. Several times we've had fights and I've told her that I hate talking to her and can't stand being on the phone because of her; I feel like it's her way of poking her nose into my business, and I tend to answer everything in a hateful tone and reply with vague answers because I don't want her knowing my business. She also kept me under her thumb by renting me our house- she had 'bought the house for me' anyway, so when I wanted to move away with my then-girlfriend into an apartment or trailer, she made me a deal on the rent that I couldn't beat for a 2-story, 4-bedroom house, so she moved out and I ended up living there until recently, as I just couldn't afford anything better for that price. (I know, it was a mistake, but I was a 19-year old kid just wanting to get AWAY from my mother at all costs.)
My wife and I have two kids... sort of. She has a daughter from a previous marriage, whom I adopted. However, things weren't working out at home- my wife was working first shift and I was working third, and I was having trouble getting her to school on time, so her mother volunteered to let her stay with them for a little bit until things settled, as they're both teachers and it works with their hours. We agreed. She hasn't lived with us since, because my wife wants to preserve her family, and at this point, said daughter has lived with them for 7 years. I've done everything I can about it, but at this point have washed my hands of the situation; I didn't make her, at this point I have no relationship with her, and I don't like the kind of person she's become- a spoiled know-it-all with a snide comment for everything, just like her grandmother- but I've just given up.
And we have my 5-year old son, whom I love beyond anything except my wife and God. He's funny, he's smart, and we have a lot of fun.
Until the beginning of this year, I had been working at a tv station for 10 years- usually third shift- and my wife had had various jobs, but had settled into a job for the past year that she had liked, working on the phone with credit card machine tech support. Things had been piling up- between both of our families, my wife finally realizing that her friends weren't her friends but were a bunch of political (literally) people-users, and my social life being completely non-existant thanks to fickle friends and a 3rd shift that was slowly destroying me, we were just done. On a whim, my wife looked at the job postings at her workplace, and found a position in Greenville, South Carolina.
We came out to look at the place and fell in love. My wife took the position and we moved here to a nice apartment that actually has more square footage than the house we were in, even if the rent is about 1.5 times as much. I stay at home and play Mr. Mom, taking care of my son and cooking and whatnot, while my wife does her on-the-road credit card machine servicing gig and makes about as much as we did together before.
Needless to say, neither of the mothers took it well- her mother kept poking and poking like she does, saying that the schools here were terrible, and my mother just went ape**** and kept saying that I was tearing her dream away from her, that she was living her dream of having everyone nearby and I was tearing it away, that it wasn't right, etc.
Now, on average, we've went back up there once a month- or at least, my son has- because the house is old and in some disrepair (nothing too bad, just needs a fresh coat of paint and a few things fixed here and there) and I told my mom that I'd fix it up just to shut her the hell up about it. Now she EXPECTS us to come back once a month, which I've told her isn't happening- it's a seven hour trip. And of course, she calls on average at least once a day just to bug the hell out of me and lay a guilt trip on my son about it. (He's said that he feels bad because grandma misses him, and the times he's come up here he says he'll "try his best to have a good time in Indiana," but it's clear that he doesn't really want to go.)
My mother hasn't been down here yet, because she just bought into a business and is still learning the ropes, and as it's a tax and bookkeeping business, this time of year is when they're busiest, so she can't. My wife's family, on the other hand, has come down 3 times now- once to help with the move (and while I hate her mother with a passion, we wouldn't have been able to do it nearly as quick without their help), once to spend the weekend with my wife and son and take him up to Indiana for a week, during which my mother guilted them into giving him to her for the majority of the time that they were up there, and this last weekend, with the same kind of deal- we're going up this coming Saturday, and they're on spring break, so they decided to take him back up with them and give us a week alone.
My mother, of course, is flipping because she "hasn't talked to him in a week" (actually 4 days), and no one had told her that they were picking him up, so now she's bugging out that he's up there and she just needs "to see that baby."
One problem is, after last time, with them driving some 21 hours total and getting my son like 2 nights out of the 7 he was there, her family doesn't want to work out a schedule with her this time. (They had worked out a schedule last time that gave everyone even time with my son, which I thought was ****** nice of them considering they're the ones that drove all that way to get him, but my mom guilt tripped them into giving him over more- she also hassles salesmen until they sell her stuff without taking a commission just to get rid of her.)
So now she's all freaking out, and the thing is, they planned on taking him over this Thursday, but I didn't tell her that because I'm sick as a dog and she woke me up with her phone garbage and I just didn't want to talk to her at all anyway.
Way I see it, I don't like my wife's family, but I don't like my mother either, and they're the ones making the effort. And I'm about to tell her off in the worst way, but I know it'll do no good- as my wife can attest, you can make the most logical argument in the world, but she absolutely will not concede a point for anything; as we say frequently, her logic is not our Earth logic, but it isn't a joke. It's almost like both mothers are the same monster, but one is the snide, evil side of the coin, and the other is the martyr-wannabe, give-anything-up-just-to-make-you-smile-except-what-you-actually-want-which-is-to-be-left-the-hell-alone-for-5-minutes side, but in both cases you have manipulative people doing whatever they have to to get their way at the expense of the happiness of others.
And yes, one problem is the whole 'do I just go off and tell her to deal with it'/'how do I tell her an avoid conflict THIS time' thing, but my main problem is, my mom is just intrusive and controlling and I'm really at my wits' end, and I'm about to just change our number and say to hell with it, I wash my hands of her. But then I think of my son (who loves his grandma, even though he does get annoyed with her, just like I do- at FIVE YEARS OLD), and I think of how doting my grandparents were, and I do love my mother and don't want to take that away from her- I just don't like her, because she's become a needy freak with no life that has to bother others in order to validate her own existence.
She also talks about suicide like it's going to the park- "well, if everybody appreciates me SO MUCH, I might as well just commit suicide and be done with it"- which I have no patience with from anyone; I just tell her to go the hell ahead and do it then. I know that she's just using it as an ultimatum to try to manipulate me, and I tell her to take that **** and stick it up her ***.
I just don't know what to do, I'm seriously going nuts here, and if she continues calling me this much and laying her guilt trip/pity party bull on everyone like she does, I'm wondering if I should just say to hell with it and drop her out of my life.
Help. Please. Advice???
|
STOP! Your not going to .... Make sure you use the word STOP! Don't feed into the conversation. Make it a point to only answer the phone on Monday or Wednesday (or whatever day) and stick to it. Your allowing them to control your life and suck your emotions from you. Anger, frustration and sadness are the most draining emotions you can have; it leaves you feeling exhausted. 
)- pretty much tell her. Even if you say is Friday of this week, or Wednesday of next week better. You'll be giving yourself a break and she'll have the "Oh look what my sweet son did for me" after she gets done being pi**ed because you didn't come up there. 
Linear Mode
