[camferry]

My wife and I have a wonderful baby boy, almost 3. We both have to work - me full-time and her part-time.

Until recently, I was able to care for him 2 of 5 days and she was with him the remaining 3.

My work requires more time now, but I do not have to be on site. Our problem is this: we cannot agree on child care. My view: I can work at home and I have found 3 possible certified care givers who specialize in at home pre-school. So basically, I want to keep things as they are - with me at home, but with an extra set of hands.
Her view: she will either quit her part-time, consider limited pre-school enrolment, and get assistance from family (but who are not 100 percent available because they also work full-time).
We both need the combined incomes to survive.

It is a huge issue because I have to start the new schedule next week. I have gone ahead to screen the 3 certified care givers (background checks, etc.). She knows I am considering this, but refuses to entertain even a short-term plan involving at home care - and I think is hoping it passes, or will cobble an alternate plan that will ultimately pile inwards.
Should I be prepared to go ahead regardless? If not, the only solution I see is to cash out part of our pension to pay-off some debts to off-set the extra income. We could do this too, but I have yet to read anything that suggests that this is a good option.

If she and I talk about it more - as part of a consensus building exercise, she is still steadfast in refusing this option and again, she cannot find one that even meets the short-term demands on our time. I have really tried to make this work, but she is not going to accept it.

In sum, my job requires this and I feel awful having gone ahead with the scheduling - frankly I don't know how it will resovle itself. Do I call off the interviews - knowing that the candidates will certainly find other jobs - and then try to work on some kind of consensus? If so, I risk an uncertain outcome and jeopardize my families financial well being.
Likewise, my wife will not agree to my current plan - which has merit and really doesn't change things that much.
This is kind of like driving into a brick wall - if you are a pasenger, do you reach over and turn the wheel and worry about what the others will say later, or do you try to talk it over? I really don't know what to do?

I welcome any suggestions and or advice based on similar experiences.
Kind regards,
Cam Ferry

[mcmama]

I am not certain what you mean by certified care givers. If you mean family child care providers, they can often be better than "limited" preschool, which may not be as working parent friendly as you would like.

I have directed both, and was a family child care provider for 9 years.

You have to be in agreement on the child care issue, or it is going to fall apart.

If you are talking about in home caregivers, it really is not fair to them if your wife is not on the same page. And at this age, a three year old can benefit from the socialization in a quality preschool, family child care home, or daycare center.

I would say go to work, get your schedule set, and let her handle it. It sounds like this is not a disagreement about child care as much as about your wife's role in it.

[MiaCamille]

i see both your points but i wonder if it will be worth it if she goes to work and you have to pay someone? does she make in a day enough money that it will be worth all the trouble of having someone else besides her at home...

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Takes 2 to parent and both of you need to sit down and discuss this rationally.

Can you wife work parttime evening hours? She'd still be home during the daytime to be the mommy. Or could wife work parttime on the weekends when you are at home?

This is one decision you both need to agree on. This will be the first of many decisions you'll need to make together. Wait until he's a teenager.....

Let us know how this comes out.

[Alejandros Mommy]

Welcome to families! I applaud that you want to stay at home with your child. If your work is able to accomidate this then by all means go for it. I understand that your wife doesn't want someone else 'raising' your child...BUT she cannot expect family to help out all the time. They have their own lives....and if you need a double income and she can't work at home then I think she needs to be a little flexible.

I agree with Angie you both need to sit down and talk about this. Good luck. I hope that you can resolve this for the best interest of your child

[camferry]

Thank you each and everyone of you for taking the time to give me some very useful and thoughtful advice ... I really needed this !
Regarding mcama's advice and comments, I struggled with the idea of just going ahead and knew that it would indeed fall apart. I should research titles and qualifications in this field as well and I should have simply conveyed that the candidates would have degrees in the field of childhood education; atleast something more than a temporary babysitter situation (i.e., some had preschool experience, others had athome experience with large families and would fit well).
My wife and I talked about it today - a very difficult discussion - and indeed, I am going to take on the extra work and she will cut back on her schedule to be at home.
I believe, understandably so, that it was ultimately a perception and concern over having someone else be the mom. This echos Alejandros Mommy's remarks, which are also on point.
Sadly, this solution won't actually work: we were only able to agree on freeing up Monday and she will then go work an evening portion of her job. While this evening portion pays little, it gives her important exposure to her field of work.
MiaCamille's suggestion is interesting, because my own wage surpasses hers significantly. From a finance perspective, the two days I am off are truly sunk costs - but of course we love being in our position, but I think we have lost sight of the cost issue as it relates to a real choice in lifestyle - as in, we cannot have it both ways; a high standard of living without the hours of our time to pay for it. So in this regard, I think my wife is willing to transition by placing the additional work time on my schedule. In short, our compromise today has some efficiency to it.
But lastly, and this is where it gets interesting, I know my wife won't be able to keep the current schedule because she is still holding an evening shift (one night) and a day shift (Friday). There are a couple of reasons for this that can be summed up as too much on one plate. So it is a brave way of telling the other person not to worry, but when the person you love so dearly runs themselves down, it effects the whole family.
So here is what I did: I kept one candidate on board knowing that by the end of this week my wife is going to be completely and utterly exhausted - and for good reason, coupled with a health issue that lends itself to fatigue.
She is a strong willed person and it is has served her well in the past, but here I see the downside and it really hurts to have to make these sideline arrangements, anticipating what I see.
To sum up, my option was shot down and we now have a compromise that won't work. And perhaps this is where it is a personal matter, but I don't have anyone else to turn to (and you have all been very kind): at this point she won't listen and is simply saying, "I will take care of it", but I know for a fact that she alone cannot manage these many things. To be clear, it isn't to say she lacks the will power, love, good intentions, etc., it is simply not humanly possible.
Is there anyway I can get her to listen, or should I simply have some backup ready to go given that I will go forward with atleast one additional day.
Many thanks,
Cam Ferry

[MissyChrissy]

I don't understand you're hesitation at part time daycare. It appears YOU are just as stubborn as SHE is. There is not a thing wrong with preschool, and as has been mentioned before, the socialization will do your son some good.

I don't know if you intended to or not, but you wrote of your wife in a patronizing, and condescending way. I work part time, and I go to school full time. My mother watches our son part time. Yes-JUST part time. It CAN be done...and maybe your wife IS right and she CAN handle it.

I just don't get where you automatically assume YOU are right. I don't see that at all.

[mcmama]

I really think this is not an issue of the quality of care so much as an issue of what your wife wants. It is a decision that has to be mutual.

Supervising someone in your home is often a daunting task, even if you are right there. It may be an added responsibility that she does not want to add to what seems to be a very pressured situation. I have friends who share child care responsibilities as a couple and have hired well qualified people to come in their home, and while it is a necessity, it is a job in itself to become an employer.

I think you need more than daycare. I think you need counseling as to how you communicate to resolve this issue. I always found with parents in my childcare home that when either one said that the spouse wanted to try something but they expected the outcome to be negative and exhausting, it usually was, due to the physical demand and the emotional overload charged with negativity.

This is a mutual decision, and I guarantee, if you approach it with a "well we'll try it your way and you'll see I'm right" attitude, it will not work. In 12 years as an early childhood professional in a variety of settings, when couples enrolled their children or set their schedules with this kind of attitude, it never worked.

Sorry to be negative, but you sound very troubled and angry about this. Childcare professionals work best when they can work in partnership with both parents, and not come between them. Before you fix a childcare situation, you and your wife need to fix how you communicate about the need for child care. That includes addressing your concerns for her health issues, and her apparent desire for more autonomy and support for making this decision to be home more.