[Vango]

Ok, so I know that probably no other topic can bring such a high level of heated debate as child support, but as part of my ongoing research of single parent families, I want to open that can of worms to hear your good, bad or other stories of how you and your ex have dealt with the issue of child support.

Has anyone had a good experience with their local court system? I would love to hear about it. Do you and your ex have an amicable agreement that works?

I am going to post an interesting article in my blog about child support within the next few days, so feel free to read that and comment on it as well.

[scrapbookguru]

Valerie - Not too much to tell here. Court appointed based on his income. Now, however, he sends it late CONTINOUSLY. It's never one time. Maybe twice a year (considering it comes twice a month that's not that great).

Before the child support was appointed though, he was paying almost $200 more per month just because he felt he should.

SO I really cannot say anything bad. I'm only annoyed by him sending it out late. I try not to be because I know there are many who do not receive it. I'm happy to get it, just wish it would be more regular.

[writerchick]

All I can say is that I am very, very, happy that the state will take child support directly from their paychecks and send it to me. Otherwise, I would never have it on time, or even at all. Garnishing the money from paycheck is a lifesaver.

[Vango]

Thanks for your comments

[mcmama]

I had difficulty with the games in the beginning. He always wanted to "give" me the check, quite publicly, making a great big deal about it. It was humiliating, like he was doing me a favor or something. Or he would quietly pull it from his pocket, and wiggle it at me from across the room as if to say "here girl!"

Then there was the day the 12 year old was home sick from school and I was out. My ex came by without calling me first, visited the kid, and then hid the check. Then he left a detailed message on my voice mail where I could find it "in a very safe place". Translation - the kid let me in and I can go through your stuff!

The garnishment helps, although I resisted it at first - I really do not like being a drag on any public system, and feel that since it is set up through probation it is better for tracking deadbeats. But the games continued - mailing the check at the last possible minute from another state - finding excuses to "drop it by" and be invasive - as though he was buying his way in. So I reluctantly set it up, and I have to say, I recommend it to all. It really does alleviate conflict.

We have a judge here who does not set this up right away, he wants to give the payer "a chance". I think it is unfortunately a chance for people to play games, or for understandable errors to take on a life of their own and worsen the conflict between parents.

I know one lady whose ex "deducts" expenses from the child support - things like presents for the kids, and so on. She however has not sent him a "bill" for the cost of physical therapy one of their children had to have that was not covered by insurance. She's back in court, and they are settting up a garnishment system in their state. She also has a separate action going for the physical therapy.

[floridamama]

Years ago, when I was a single parent...it was next to impossible to extract child support from my ex. And we went through the court system. He would send me maybe 2 checks in a 10 month period, and he only did that to keep the system off of his back. He would also frequently write letters to the court stating that he was unemployed and hurting financially. Truth was, he had moved to NY and was working as a trucker for some big company up there. He was able to keep it from the FL court system somehow...and they did nothing about it. They never suspended his license or garnished his wages. My daughter & I fell thru the cracks, so to speak.
It was not until his untimely death several years ago, that it was revealed how much he made. We now collect $1,220.00 per month in S.S.. He also had 2 wills, but he left the money to his girlfriend and her daughter, and the other will to his millionaire Dad! His family has nothing to do with my daughter, and she is their only grandchild! It's better this way though.
Yeah, my ex was a winner.

[nicki]

Oh man, I have so many stories I could write a book!!! Do you only want good stories? I'm not sure I have any. Right now my Dh and his ex don't exchange support. That is probably as good as it is gonna get. It isn't great. We support the kids 90% and agreed to waive support on the condition that she be willing to pay for things like school supplies or fieldtrips, instrument rental, half of extracurriculars, etc. Great deal for her, for sure. But she still fights every single solitary time we ask her for ANYTHING. Never mind she is living with her parents, doesn't pay bills, works full time and doens't support her kids. Ask her to pay for half of the kids meds and it's like you asked her to give a limb! One of these days we are going to end up suing her for support so she knows how it feels to have to pay to support her own kids for once. It is so frustrating.
Last week I set up a police sting and had my ex arrested for failure to pay child support. That was fun. He has over $20,000 due in back child support. He was ordered by the courts to pay $2000 lump sum at a Feb. show-cause. He blew it off. They ordered him back for a show-cause on the show-cause! He no-showed. They ordered a bench warrant for $20,000 performance bond. I had him arrested and what did they do? Let him out on $1000!!!!! Less than was ordered FOUR months ago! Unbelievable. And we wonder why there are deadbeats. If you want, I can go on and on and on about how fair and understanding I have been. Last year I abated $30,000 in back child support for him. When we split, I volunteered to impute my own income because *I* didn't think it was fair for support to be calculated on just his income while I had *chose* to stay at home with the kids. I don't bill him for medical, I have never had support recalculated by the courts but I *have* worked with him to create repayment plans that I thougth were fair, I have warned him of bench warrants, I have used *every single penny* of child support directly on our combined kids - they know it, my step-children and new son know it, my husband supports it. I have offered to share with him how his money is spent. It doesn't matter. He thinks he should owe nothing. And literally told me that he has only paid what he has so far because he *wants* to because he certainly doesn't *have* to. And after this latest stunt with the courts, he may be right!
I could tell you all about how my husband was ordered to cancel his cell phone service (and pay the contract fee), cancel other necessary expenses in order to meet his exhorbitent child support obligation ($2200/mo on a $40,000/yr income) that he paid to his ex-wife who lived rent-free with her parents. I can tell you about how he paid child support religiously but she failed to use his money for what it was ordered for (supporting the kids, childcare) and never paid the childcare center anything. Eventually she had to pull the kids for failure to pay and we cared for them directly while still paying her the full amount. I can tell you how the courts refused to consider a temporary reduction in support when he lost his job. AndI can tell you how even just a few years ago, when we had custody of the kids during all their daytime hours and their mother had them overnight, that we still had to pay child support as if we had NO custody because the state calculated child support based on overnights only. As if kids cost money while they are asleep. Never mind that WE were the ones that fed, clothed, provided education for, medical care for, etc. We also had to pay their mother full support which meant even less to pay for the children's actual needs.
So I guess compared to all of the above, yes, our current situation is probably as good as it is going to get. Until we get that entitled nasty woman to experience what it is like to pay to support her children. Then I bet she will suddenly get REAL cooperative. But she's a freeloader. That's what she does best. So we aren't holding our breath.

[writerchick]

I guess ex's are ex's for a reason. The system is so goofy on both ends. I, too, could tell hair-raising stories on both ends. The only consolation is that I have been on the end of not avoiding caring for the children, and I'm glad for that. I don't know how people who don't take care of their own kids can look at themselves in the mirror and feel everything's okey-dokey. Makes me sick.

[mcmama]

Well here is a fun story. My friend's ex took off when she was pregnant with her youngest, now about to start college. (Yes he knew she was pregnant, and yes, the kid looks just like his photos.) For years she tried to collect child support. Courts would order, he would agree, and then he would take off. He was on the top ten most wanted in their state, he owed well over $40,000 in arrears. Meanwhile, she was working full time, living in a small apartment owned by family, and raising two kids on next to nothing. Two smart kids who are in National Honor Society and got scholarships. And she is in chronic poor health due to some rheumatoid problems.

Well, recently, the night before her ex's wedding to his next victim, someone saw him celebrating in a bar. They called the police and he was busted. Seems his new fiance's family believed him when he said he had NO children. After he got out of jail, the fiance actually married him. Dumb. Really dumb. I wonder how much of her wages will go for back support of the children he told her he didn't have.

It's not true that he didn't have children - he had two of them. But it is true that they didn't have a father.

He's paying the back support, and the state keeps an eye on him. With the youngest about to go to college, this could not come at a better time. The youngest has never even met the jerk. It is going to take about 10 years for him to pay it all off. Finally, my friend has a retirement plan!

It took YEARS to catch up to this guy. But there is justice if you hang in there.

[shannon_heslop]

We've had the opposite problem. My husband has been amazing but it's his ex that has been the huge problem. He would pay on time the amount we owed during the times the kids were with her, but she would tell the kids that we didn't love them and weren't paying support and then she would take us to court to try to get more and again say we weren't paying. Even when we produced copies of the cashed checks, they bought into her stories and went ahead with garnishing his wages. I guess that was a blessing too, because now it's not just our word and the cancelled checks -- the state can show records. She's just always trying to get more and more and we figured at one point that our family was living on less than half as much as she and her household were and yet she was still doing her sob story. My step kids have gotten to do so much more and have been given so much more than the children we have together. I love my step kids like my own, but that's hard to explain to my younger kids.
When we would have them living with us, she wouldn't pay a dime (we wouldn't bother asking) but she would tell the kids she was paying a lot to us. At one point, my step-son was living with us and she was still trying to get the judge to have us pay her child-support for him. Thank heavens he looked her straight in the eye and repeatedly asked her if he lived with us. She finally admitted yes and then the judge told her she would not be receiving support for him. It's definitely been difficult for us.
I know there are dead-beat dads out there who make it hard for the ones who aren't, who love their kids and want to be part of their lives. But there are definitely Moms out there who are dead-beats too and play the system, not caring about how it affects anyone but themselves. Definitely not a good system. It seems like justice is hardly ever meeted out in the courts, especially from the people I know and their experiences. It's sometimes absolutely unbelievable. Regardless of proof!