[mcmama]

As many people on this site know, I am divorced after a 15 year marriage to a man who I found to be homosexual. He denies it, and is still very much in the closet after all these years. I have found support for myself through the Straight Spouse Network, and it has been a lifesaver. But as an Episcopalian, I have struggled to find ministry to the spiritual needs of someone in my situation, or even an understanding of what the issues are for me. Since my situation is very different from the amicable resolution between Bishop Robinson and his ex wife, there does not seem to be much understanding of it or resources for someone like me within the church - nor is there much acknowledgement that people like me really exist and have specific needs.

So I was very encouraged to find a new ministry specifically for straight spouses is now starting in the Episcopal diocese of California, and was funded by a grant from Episcopal charities. http://www.m2ss.org/

They connect people with someone to talk to who has been there, and they also refer people to the other resources they would need too for this crisis, such as counseling, food bank, shelter, legal, and so on. I had hoped that my church would have more, considering the controversy over Bishop Robinson, but there just is very little attention to the needs of those families that are not as perfect as his. Are there any other churches that you know of that have ministries to the straight spouse for what their experience is, or support groups that work within a church? I don't mean tracts that tell us how we ought to feel, whether it is "God's inclusive love" or "Pray the gay away". I mean dealing with our own realization about the marriage and continuing our walk with God, regardless of what the issues are with the homosexual spouse, and connecting us to support groups and the other crisis related help we often need.

It's a crisis of faith for many of us, and yet our faith is very important to sustaining us through it. Just wondered if there are active ministries out there?

[twinzplus3]

Mcmama. . .some of the bigger churches in the city don't deal with this? Like Brooklyn Tabernacle, or Times Square church. Gosh. . .I think Times Square church has a ministry for everything. . .do you know?

[mcmama]

I don't know, and that is why I am asking.

[QueenAngie]

This is a crisis in many families
and also can be a
crisis of one's personal faith.

You marry this individual that you love with your whole heart,
with all kinds of hopes and dreams for the rest of your life,
only to realize it is simply that - a dream.

Because the spouse is not what he represented himself.

It shatters families and lives to the very core.

We had a similar situation in my extended family.

A man in our family (I do not wish to identify him at this point) was married
to a very domineering young wife. They tried to make a go of it.
Turns out, he found her in bed with the neighbor lady.

The marriage ended. It shook this man to his very core.

It was very, very sad.

*****

So, what kinds of church groups or counseling is available to these spouses
and children that are left?

We have a general divorce support group for children in our church.
It is geared towards grade school & junior high, but
children of all ages can attend.
It runs several weeks and each child is assigned to an adult
during the studing and counseling sessions.
It is directed by our fulltime church RN.

This is not specifically for children of one parent that is gay....
more so just divorced parents.

Aside from individual counseling from the minister or church staff,
I do not know of any specific groups for the spouses of gay people
or their children.

Do you have a group like this in your church or community?

[twinzplus3]

I couldn't find links for either church that dealt with this aspect. In on our own church, because we are so small, this would be dealt with by community support. There was a woman once who married a man within our church and all thought things were hunky dory. When they realized that they weren't, the husband was found to have had a thing for under aged boys. I know she didn't want to get divorced bc she believed it was wrong and so she suffered tremendously trying to hide his addiction to pornography. I realize not quite the same situation. But in any case, issues like this in our church are just dealt with my lots of support, counseling, love, etc. We really are kind of community oriented like that.

[mcmama]

It is kind of the same situation for the wife - she's in his closet, covering for him, and it is a same sex attraction. But of course, underage is illegal. But some of the men do go for prostitutes, and some of those are underage. Not everyone's situation, but there are similiarities.

There is a chapter of the straight spouse network that meets in NYC if she is interested, and I can pm you the info on this if it would be helpful to her. It's helpful to meet with others who have gone through similiar experiences. There's also one in Westchester and one in NJ

A ministry really does not have to do more than acknowledge that this exists, and help people with connecting to resources. If it is stated that it exists, and is confidential, people of faith might be inclined to use it. But they have to know that it exists, and is ok and safe to go to for help. I think that because so few people come forward, and it is perceived as an individual problem, clergy just deal with it as it happens if they know about it. I found that sometimes, clergy have not been trained to recognize the stages we go through, and haven't a clue as to how to really help us, despite good intentions. There's a real yuck factor here.

Thanks for asking in the Greenwich village congregation. If they have something, maybe others can draw ideas from it - and if not, it may give them a good idea!

[twinzplus3]

You're so right about the yuck factor. I would think that anytime where there are pretty serious marital problems it is fairly uncomfortable to come forward but to do so in this situation is even more so. As usual, you have very good points.

[mcmama]

Angie, thank you for posting this story of your relative. Sadly, this happens more than many people realize. It is more difficult often for straight men, because people make such a joke out of it. Their experience and their loss is profound, deep, and takes many a long time to recover. So it is important for them to connect with other men who understand their pain.

Sometimes the extended family needs help too, in giving support to a relative who experiences this, in keeping family ties with children of the marriage, and they have their own concerns too. Sometimes the family gatherings, such as weddings, reunions, etc can be difficult. I have known situations where the straight spouse is blamed by the gay persons family, and treated very badly - and this is difficult for the kids. It also happens the other way around too. Sometimes the straight spouse cannot tell their family because they fear reprisals or some kind of projection onto the kids.

It is a spiritual crisis that does not get a lot of attention because the people experiencing it need to remain deeply private.