[olliemadison]

Hi there,

I just married a Muslim man last week. I'm afraid I made the biggest mistake of my life for many reasons and I'm not sure what to do, so I'm just looking for feedback to help me think through this. First of all, we had been "dating" for 20 months, but he lives in Jordan and I live in the US. I met him when I was travelling through Jordan and from the moment I met him I was hooked. I visited Jordan four more times since then... and married him this last time. We have talked either over the internet or phone nearly every day since we met. We have had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship... breaking up several times for various reasons (largely because he was unfaithful), but for reasons that I can not even understand, I could not stay away from him. We talked about marriage from the second month of knowing each other (he brought it up) and we have gone back and forth about getting engaged, getting married, breaking things off completely. I have basically known from the time I met him that I wanted to be with him... that I wanted to marry eventually and have a family together. He seemed to change his mind every other week about what he wanted.... he would ask me to marry him, then essentially two weeks later tell me he didn't want to be with me at all ... he would say he wanted to move to the US to be with me, then say he had no interest in leaving his country. Obviously he was conflicted... but it was just making me more and more frustrated with the relationship, because I knew what I wanted, or I thought that I did, and I could not understand why he could not make up his mind.

Anyway, we have talked about all the marriage issues. He does not expect me to convert to Islam or so he says. He even said in one of our earliest conversations that he would consider converting to Christianity if he found something "interesting" about the religion. I have since realized he did not mean what he said. We also talked about how we would raise our children and although in several conversations he said that he wanted the children to be Muslim, in our most recent conversation, a month and a half before we married, he said that we would teach the children both of our religions and that we would raise our children between the two countries... US and Jordan.

Okay, so for the last several months we had been discussing marriage and basically for him it was a do or die situation... either I would come to Jordan in January to marry or we would end the relationship. I understand that his view on relationships and dating is quite different than mine and that this long term, long distance relationship was really wearing on both of us, so I agreed to get married so that we could finally be together and understand our commitment to one another. I must admit however that up until the day I flew to Jordan, I was debating every single day whether I was making the right decision or not. I did not mention anything to my friends or family because when it came down to it, I was so uncertain about the whole situation. I'm realizing now that by not telling anyone, I have just made the situation more complicated for both of us because I have to figure out how to let everyone know without hurting them.

Anyway, I flew to Jordan... I only had five days leave from my work, so really only had about 2 and half days in Jordan. You can imagine we were so focused on completing the paperwork for the marriage during that time that we really didn't stop to talk or think things through. (We had been talking about these things for months, so when I got there, it was strictly business.) Anyway, after we had completed all the civil paperwork, and had a couple hours break before meeting with the sheikh to complete the marriage "contract", Hamza states that his children must be Muslim and that they must be raised in Jordan, contrary to what he had said during our last conversation, which was the conversation where I decided that I was ready to marry him. He was now saying that if I did not agree to these terms, we would not get married, or we would not have children. His suggestion was to "keep going as we were", which means that we were to keep up this long distance relationship, which was wearing on both of us. I didn't know what to do at that point. I had flown to Jordan to get married, and we were two hours away from completing the marriage. I told him that I wanted to teach our children both religions but he would not hear it... so in a panic, I said that we would not have children if we could not decide how to raise them. (I have ALWAYS wanted children, so this was crazy for me to say.) He said "know that my children will be Muslim." I did not come all that just to turn around and fly back to the US and be stuck in the same situation as we had been for the last twenty months, so I just said nothing, and after an hour, we went to the sheikh's house.

By the way, Hamza also did not tell his family that we were getting married, but strangely, I guess by an act of God, his brother randomly ran into us in the street, in the capital city Amman, just as we were finishing the paperwork for the civil portion of the marriage.... his brother was shocked and nearly stopped the marriage right then and there... but in the end, he and another brother became the witnesses for the marriage contract which we completed at the sheikh's house.

Okay, I was completely unprepared for what occured at the sheikh's house. I did not know that we would be putting in a contract things like where the children would be raised and such. It was almost a prenuptial agreement I guess, but I had never planned on doing something like that. In Christianity it is forbidden to divorce, and prenuptials to me are an agreement to be carried out if there is a divorce. Anyway, I had been told that we needed to put an amount of money that I would be given (supposedly) at the beginning and end of the marriage. And basically Hamza dictated to me what that amount would be... it wasn't up for discussion apparently. He said 1000 JD at the beginning, and 3000 JD at the end. I tried to ask for more at the end, saying that if he were to divorce me after we were married for some time and had children, I didn't want to be left with only 3000 JD to support myself. (I have a career now, but if I am to raise his children I don't know what situation I will be in if he were to divorce me.) Anyway, he would not agree to anything more than 3000 JD. Then he started saying something else in arabic and when I asked for an explanation he said that he was having the sheikh put in the contract that our kids would be raised between the two countries. I said ok to that, but then his brothers started pushing about REALLY where would the kids be raised. I was already nervous and felt a lot of pressure from the seven men that were in the room at the time, so I ended up saying that the kids could be mostly raised in Jordan... and I think what was put in the contract was that the kids would be raised in Jordan. I tried to ask how much time each year would be spent in the US, but they just brushed my question aside. I then said that I wanted to put in the contract that Hamza couldn't have any other wives.... they laughed at me, so i said nevermind.

Anyway, we completed the contract. I recited something in arabic and I don't even know what I said. I insisted that they tell me in english before i would say it in arabic and all they told me was that I was saying "I will marry this man.".... I am 100% positive that I said more than that in the end.

I was not comfortable with how things went at all... but it was done. We then went to dinner with his two brothers where I was interrogated continuously about why we did not tell anyone about our marriage, what kind of life was Hamza going to have in the US, would he be successful, how am I going to support him, and that I should not let him return to Jordan ashamed of himself. Hamza during this whole time did not say more than two sentences to support me.

Anyway, 2am the next morning I flew back to the US. And within 48 hours I explained to Hamza how uncomfortable I was with how everything went. He basically said what's done is done. My main concern is about our children and what he said two hours before the completion of the marriage. It is no longer up for discussion... he does not even want to talk to me about it. I really have no idea what I was thinking when I agreed to fly there and to marry. I don't know what I was thinking when I said the kids could be raised in Jordan. And I don't know what I was thinking when I said we just would not have children if we could not agree on how to raise them. I am an educated woman... I am generally sane... this is not something I ever thought I would do. But here I am... I did it. And now I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if this marriage will work. I don't know how to tell my family that I got married without informing them. I am really just sort of in shock. My mind is constantly spinning and I am scared.

If anybody has thoughts, please please write, but please don't judge me. I can't handle it right now.

[olliemadison]

I also wanted to comment that our relationship has put a strain on my finances as well and I am stressed about how it will be when he moves here and I will have to support him for a while. I have footed all of our bills up to this point... paying for my flights to Jordan, paying for hotels when I am there and whatever else we need.. including all the marriage expenses. To top it off, he has asked me to send money in the past (I have always hesitated and the only time I actually sent money was in December... 250 dollars) and before I left after the marriage, I gave him 300JD which he had been asking for for two weeks. I am worried that after he comes here he will continue asking for money to send to his family or what not and will not support me as he should. (After researching typical muslim marriages I am starting to understand that it is the man's responsibility to support his wife and that anything the woman earns is hers to keep and save or spend as she pleases... which makes sense now that I see that if we are to ever divorce, I am only getting 3000 JD... I never planned on divorcing, and he said he didn't either, but now that I see it's part of the contract I don't feel as secure.) There are so many things that I wish we had sorted out before... I don't think we were prepared for what we were getting into... but the distance made us crazy I think...

[mcmama]

Have the marriage annulled in this country. You were coerced, in a sense - outside of a familiar area, crazy in love, and he was jerking you around. Sounds like he wants a ticket to the States. Also sounds like a setup.
Marriage is for equal partners. Not masters and slaves. I doubt that an Islamic court would honor it.

Or just divorce him and collect your 3000 JD and consider yourself wiser.
By the way, Christianity does not forbid divorce. There are lots of divorced Christians. Sometimes they even remarry - in Christian celebrations.

[browneyes01]

I agree with mcmama get the marriage annulled, and the marriage is possibly not even goingt o honoured here but i suggest you get out I believe he just wants a ticket to the us

[olliemadison]

Thanks mcmama and browneyes. Can I get your thoughts on why it's a setup? I mean, I can see clearly that that is a possibility... I have always been aware of that risk, but I just wanted to get your thoughts on it.

I have been thinking about getting the annulment since the day I got back from Jordan.... (By the way, I don't think I'll get the 3000 JD if I divorce him... women don't really have the same right to divorce as men do in Islam... I would have to prove that he cheated or something... and by prove I mean PROVE.) ...and as far as my comment on Christians being forbidden to divorce... I do realize that a lot of Christians do get divorces... I guess I was trying to point out the difference that I have seen between Christianity and Islam... in Islam, divorce is addressed in the Quran as an acceptable means to end an unpleasant marriage... and the terms of the divorce are built into the marriage contract, whereas in the Bible it's pretty much stated that there is to be no divorce unless someone in the partnership commits adultery. I have always thought that I would do everything humanly possible to make my marriage work... and did not really want to have divorce as an option (unless my husband was unfaithful.) But when I realized that the marriage contract I was signing in Jordan essentially had our divorce contract built into it, it just gave me a bad feeling.

[grt8day]

I agree, you should get an annulment soon. I know you are in love, and it is very difficult to see negative qualities in a loved one. But, right here and now your future stands at an impasse. You can continue on this road, ignoring the red flags, and continuing down a road of financial toll, heart ache, and lack of emotional support. Or, you can choose to have a man in your life who loves you, supports you (financially), and treats you with respect & admiration. There are numerous red flags, I see just from your post. You really need to choose if this is the life you want to live for the next 3, 5, or 10 years.

[jayley]

well, i do hope u got your annulment, or divorce in either case. in islam divorce is always written into the marriage contract, detailing what you will get from your husband, or if you even have the right to file for divorce. since u live in america i doubt it'll be a big issue if u actually signed that right away.....i wouldn't say he just wanted to use you, but i'd say he's much too controlling. if your children truly had to be muslims, that would be the line drawn right there....as a christian could u bear your own child not going to heaven because of your husband? i'd hope not.....5 months later i'd be happy to know you were a single woman again...

[letschildproofdotcom]

you should definitely get the marriage annulled. The religion differences would have been extremely hard for you. Especially if he was a strict muslim.

[carcour]

sorry your post is so long and i won't read it. but a muslim man from jordan would marry a christian from the USA for one of two reasons
1. greencard
2. to convert her to islam (that's a huge thing to muslims)
trust me, i lived in the middle east all my life and i know how muslim ppl think
and yes you made the biggest mistake of your life

[cpink]

I find it interesting that many of the responses have more of a problem with your husband being Islamic and Jordanian than the fact that it sounds you married a man that you hardly know.
I am married to a Muslim and I was raised a Christian. Marrying inter-religiously and inter-culturally is difficult, but we took 6 years of conversations with each other and our families before we decided to tie the knot. We discussed how we will raise our children, where we will live, etc, etc, etc. I admit that I gave in to raising our children muslim, but 1) bc i kno how important it is to him and 2) I understand and taught myself the religon before I made the decision.
Whether you decide to stay in your marriage or not, you need to learn more about this man. You need to introduce him to your family. Most importantly, you need to trust him.
I imagine by now you've made your choice and I wish you the best.