[milan422]

I am newly married to my husband, with whom Ive been with for two years. We each have a daughter from a previous marriage. My husbands daughter is 16 yrs old and mine is 8. I am very uncomfortable with the nature of their relationship. Before I state my facts I must say that I have not had a close relationship with my biological father however I did have an involved stepfather who was very much involved in my life until I turned about 14. I am not sure if what I am feeling about my husband and his daughters relationship may have anything to do with the abscence of my father figure.My husband was in a 10 yr marriage to his daughters mother and he says that the mother was very detached, emotionally, and socially with him and his daughter therefore, the majority of the time he was doing all of the parenting and they spent a lot of time together bc of the mothers inability to be involved. After about 9 months of dating I started to notice that he and his daughter had an extremly close bond, (he would actually hang up with talking on the phone with me during the nt to watch certain shows with her and he would have to call me back, and by night I mean like 1am)she is not very social and if she has a choice over doing anything I believe it would be to be with her dad. At one point any time we went somewhere, movies, grocery store, restauraunt she would grab his arm and walk with her arm in his, while I would walk on the side of them or behind them, at times he would try to hold my hand as well but I resisted bc it was strange especially given her age.She has three pet names for him, and one of the names annoys me to no end. She never refers to him as dad, and if she sees him after a day of school, she will run inthe house and call him "chic-a-dee" this is one of the three names, everything she says to him ends with the nickname Chicken!! Their activity with each other can range from going to the booksore to her going with him to football practice in the evening and even to the gym with him. At one point, say we would all be in the car and he would have to run in the store to grab something, me and my daughter would stay in the car, but she would hop out EACH time, even if it was the liquor store! At one point they would be in the bathroom together, if she is taking a shower (curtain closed of course and he cant see anything, or vice versa him in the shower and her doing her hair, curtain closed) he would be in the same bathroom shaving and getting ready at the same time., mind you we have two other bathrooms in the house. I expressed to him that it made me very uncomfortable and it was not appropriate given her age, he saw nothing wrong with it bc he said they are not seeing each other. I have no problem with him spending time with her and having a relationship with her but its way too excessive and I feel as though he does not set limits and enforce her to be social with teenagers or do things on her own, or not follow him each time he moves. If we have a party at the house and all the woman are in one room talking (young women and older, but girls her age as well) she has left the room to follow her dad and sit in the room with him and other men. At one point his daughter and I were close, until her mother started to interfere and I believe the daughter started to become jealous of her father and I relationship, which I know is normal. But the behavior she has exhibited towards me has included, stealing belongings of mine, not speaking when I walked in the house and trying to alienate her father and herself from me by choosing to leave with him each time he leaves this house. She even wrote me an email that was horiible and totally disrespectful the nt before we departed for our wedding in Jamaice. So now I have no words for her and I am annoyed by her very presence. This is causing problems between my husband and I bc he thinks I dont want him to do anything with her, which is not the case, I would like it to be "normal". She never has friends over and never has much plans to do much but be in the house and watch TV and what she loves most is for the two of them to sit on the couch and watch TV. They can go to the bookstore for two hrs together, then come home and watch TV until about 1 am in the morning!!! Any activity she does have with the outside world, has involved older boys, -myspace and sometimes shes bi-sexual?? She has no identity of her own, and has been caught being promiscuous quite ofetn within one yrs time period. I blame her father somewhat bc I cant understand why he hasnt set this boundary with her, I dont know if I should be bothered when she chooses to go to football practice with him while he coaches little boys?? Am I looking too much into this? how come it makes me feel so uncomforatble? do I have issues with her and the way she has treated me, therefore everything bothers me about her? Ive suggested family therapy for all three of us and he is against it. I don't know what to do but I feel that in time this will really damaga our relationship, I have left him before bc of my uncomfortability with their relationship. I feel at one point he leveled things off and then at times I feel it going right back to wher it was in the beginning. PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[stillparentingafteralltheseyears]

The behavior you describe is not normal for your husband or his daughter. Your daughter has taken on the role of "wife" to your husband and he allows it to happen. Your stepdaughter is a child and should be treated as such. Your husband should not be excluding you while spending so much time with his daughter. Boundaries need to be set and it may take you taking a firm stand in order for this to happen. This being allowed to continue is not good for his daughter as is evidenced by her promiscuous behavior. Also disturbing is why your husband has not addressed her many negative behaviors you describe.

Seeing this behavior is also not good for your 8 y/o daughter. She is viewing an abnormal pattern of behavior with your husband and his daughter and also in how his daughter treats you. You are married and the family dynamic should be you and your husband as the united parents and the girls are the children. By your description, the current family dynamic is your husband and his daughter are the "couple" and you and your daughter are the "outsiders". You are right, this is not normal. It is good for your husband to spend some one on one time with his daughter but not to the extent you describe. If this behavior contines and he is not willing to set clear boundaries, then your realtionship will be damaged beyond repair. At that point it would be best for you and your daughter to be out of this unhealthy situation.