[xingmulan]

My mother is 60 years old and she is in relatively good health other than high blood pressure and high cholesterol. My mother was a homemaker and so we are very close. We often talk on the phone and we go out to local spots. She doesn't speak any English so I interpret for her and order food for her whenever we go out. I'm a married 32 year old educator. My mother has almost no education as she was raised by her brother and was impoverished her entire life. She has a conflict ridden marriage and her son (my only sibling) is disabled. Though my mother has talked about traveling, she never did for fear that she may die in the process and not be able to care for her disabled son. Recently, my father was hospitalized for 1.5 months for a foot surgery. When dad got out of surgery, I convinced my mother to travel with me and my husband to Vegas (one of her dreams). During the trip, she was extremely needy. She requested that I carry her bag, water, and jacket almost everywhere. I'm a petite woman so it was not easy.

I had to regularly fetch her water, sandwiches, and cookies despite the fact that we went to buffets to eat and she had fruits and granola bars in her hotel room. She refused to take the elevators by herself fearing that she would get lost (she has a cell phone). I had to walk her to the elevators (she was even afraid to look outside the glass elevator stating a fear of heights). I had to open/close her car door for her. On one occasion, I spent 1.5 hours buying her breakfast from Starbucks, then watched her eat, walked with her to choose a lunch venue, and then watched her choose the perfect slot machine and showed her how to use it.

To keep her company, I made multiple trips to her hotel room and sat with her. This was her first and perhaps only vacation so I wanted her to enjoy herself. During our first sight seeing trip in Vegas, my mother wanted to sit inside the casino and "talk" about her conflict with my dad. She also wanted to look at clothes instead of seeing the sights. She did not appear to be impressed with the Vegas sights but instead focused on getting rest, food, and attention . What bothered me was how she even mentioned that she could have enjoyed this trip with her friend who is her age. My husband mentioned to me that she did not seem to appreciate my efforts. Even though this trip was about her, she seemed overly consumed with caring for her personal needs.

My mother justified her behavior to her lack of English skills and fear of being in a foreign place even though Vegas is not that different from San Francisco (her resident city of 30 years) . I lost patience with my mother and started complaining about her behavior. We were in a small restaurant and not talking to each other. When dinner ended, I complained to her again and my mother broke down in tears and told me how awful I was being to her and that she had spoiled me. I felt like a big fat zero. I was shocked at her display of emotion.

As much as I love my mother, I felt stiffled by my mother's constant need for attention during this 4 day trip. I don't mind taking care of her but on this trip, I felt like an unappreciated servant. But now I feel even worse because I made my mother cry on her only vacation. She hasn't called me since. As much as it hurts to say this, I was really ashamed of my mother during this trip. I really hated seeing my mother reduce herself to such a pathetic mess when all my life, I always saw her as a strong role model who kept the family together. My mother appears to have lost all the spunk of her youth, and she is only 60 years old. What should I do with this new person my mother has become? Please advise.

[MariaMae]

I can only respond to what you've written, so please forgive me if I'm way off the mark! It seems as though your Mother is extremely insecure. Maybe she has been so used to her "role" in life (being the one that always takes care of everyone else) that she simply didn't know how to handle being pampered. Could it be that she was scared of being out of her element and, instead of being able to say "I'm afraid", it was much easier for her to use everything as an excuse to keep you near??
You may have to be the one to reach out to her...give her a call and ask her if the two of you can get together. Then, see if she'll talk to you about what was happening...from her perspective...while you were on your trip. I sincerely hope you can discover a new sense of peace with your Mother.

[mcmama]

Vegas can be pretty much for someone who has never had a vacation. But it was a good choice, as there is plenty to do. Likely she enjoyed the freedom, and the ability to truly relax - and does not understand the difference between relaxing and being a burden. Being close to her age myself, I can truly understand why she would say she would enjoy it with someone closer to her own age. Younger people want to go SEE stuff, and DO stuff, and older people find it so much more relaxing to just get out of the house and be waited on for a change, especially when at home they do all the work and have little opportunity for socializing for much of their lives.

Being that her perspective is very limited, she probably expects the kind of attention from you that her mother got in the old country. Vegas may not seem all that different from SF to you, but it is a new world to your mom.

So, chat with her about it - know now what to expect when entertaining mama - make it for a short time - and remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Frankly, I think she was discovering that she would enjoy anything at all. She's really limited her horizons, and caring for someone with a disability further boxes her in. Food, rest, and attention that she does not have to make or give are quite the luxury.

[Pharmgirl]

I agree that it sounds like your mom was very insecure in Las Vegas. Keep in mind that as we get older, we tend to get less flexible with changing routines and scenery, especially if the vacation was not her idea. And for the future of your relationship, you should reach out to her, say you're sorry, and go do something together that fits into her daily routine and needs. She'll probably appreciate just your company more than if you try to entertain her with a new experience.
This may also be a glimpse into the future when your mother does become dependent on you. It requires a great amount of patience and understanding that older people really are set in their ways, so don't fight it. Just make sure she is happy and comfortable and ignore the negative comments. Everyone eventually gets to the place where they say what they think and don't care about your feelings. Love her just the same because she won't always be there.

[LeavingLasVegas]

I really don't want this to come off as harsh so please know that I have the very best of intentions here: Love your Mother, pamper your Mother & cherish your Mother by doing everything humanly possible. I lost my Mother to cancer late last year. I wish I still had my Mother-irritations and all.
Hugs,
Donna

[chio88]

Maybe she just doesn't know how to express her feelings. I agree to most of the posts that maybe she felt insecure and intimidated with Vegas and to think that it's her first time to travel and speaks little english. And I believe she didn't mean to hurt you in anyway when she said that she could have enjoyed the trip better if she went with a friend her age. We just have to understand that it's also difficult to have come to an age where you feel helpless. Just be glad that at least you still have your mom.

[jmmv08]

Chio has a good point. I totally agree with her and we shall be glad that at least our mom is still with us.