[chicana1412]

I am not sure if I am in the right place or not. So please bare with me. I have been married to the same man for 23 years and have gone through physical abuse 2 and alot of mental and emotional abuse. And he cheated on me 10 times the first 7 years of our marriage. I am told how when and where to do things and I should know what to do. Like make sure lunch and supper are done when he gets home from work even if I work. And take care of my children the house and anything else. I was a heavy drinker. But in November my 15 year old open my eyes. I got in trouble because he came home from work at lunch and I was busy cleaning houses and didn't get lunch ready and he got mad. I told him that there were left overs from the night before. He cursed at me and told me he didn't want left overs and left. My 15 year old was mad and asked why do I let him talk to me like a child. Then he called me fat and ugly and I couldn't cook anything without burning it. And it continued and finally in May I decided to say something we have been seperated for 2 months off and on. And then in Aug.22 I had him leave because he continued his put downs and calling me names and I had my 2 issue with physical abuses. He has accepted Christ so therefore he says he is a changed man but my heart is so broken that I am afraid to believe him. What do I do please I am so confused I thought about suicide last week and was going to do it but I call 2 of my friends because I really don't want to do such a thing but sometimes I get so confused that I feel like it is the only thing for me to do. I have two children at home and one 22 year old. Please can someone help me please.

[markbarnes19]

Your answer may seem difficult, but it really is not. I have known many people who claim to have gotten religious, only to revert to their old ways weeks later. You owe it to yourself and your children to leave this jerk. Men who abuse should be jailed. Leave and don't look back.

[cocotbo]

Originally Posted by markbarnes19

Your answer may seem difficult, but it really is not. I have known many people who claim to have gotten religious, only to revert to their old ways weeks later. You owe it to yourself and your children to leave this jerk. Men who abuse should be jailed. Leave and don't look back.

AMEN!
You may feel that you are capable of dealing with the abuse, but you owe it to your children to do right by them and provide a positive example. Would you tolerate a man marrying your daughter and treating her the way you are treated? My guess is: NO. Would you want your son to treat a woman the way your husband treats you? Again, my guess is: NO.

You owe it to your children to get help and remove this man from your life. Please find a local women's center and get the counseling and support that you so clearly need to help you through this very difficult situation.

Stay strong - if not for yourself, for your children.

[ACard]

They are right! You should not tolerate that. You didn't say whether or not you had accepted Jesus Christ but know this, by God you have been given proper grounds for a divorce by his adultery. You have to protect yourselve and your children if he is truly saved as he claims he will understand this and he will have a conviction in his heart. We are still sinful even after we are saved so he will not miraculously change. He has to be in the word daily and going to church, Bible studies and so forth. If you do not see any of this happening then there is problem. Yes, things can change. My father was abusive both physcially and verbally to my mother when I was growing up. He is now a Christian and a changed man and she remained submissive. But when we've talked she tells me that she wishes she would have left him for us. My sisters and I have had to go through a lot of counseling.
As for suicide, I know you really don't want to do that. Your children need you and you are loved. It is scary when that is all you have known but please find yourself a good church where you will have people to encourage you and help you. Even taking baby steps will help you. Tell yourself you are strong and worth more than that! There is so much more out there for you. Fear is your greatest hinderence. You have to muster up all the courage you have and leave him. Find a friend to help you and do it while he is at work. Don't worry about your belongings, they are replaceable but you and your kids are not.

[chicana1412]

Yes he as accepted Jesus Christ and therefore he says he has changed. And for leaving it is hard because the house I live in is mine my mother gave it to me 3 months before she died and I know I have to leave because it takes time to change and it has been 1 month that he accepted Jesus Christ into his life and in that one month he has changedhe says but I still see alittle of the old him come out when things dont go his way. So he tries to control me.

[ACard]

You probably will see some of his old characteristics coming through. You can never get rid of the sinful nature we are born with. You are in a tough spot and I know it is your mom's house she gave you but you must think of your safety and your kid's first. If you feel in danger than you must leave. It is hard but I have faith that you will make the right choice for yourself. Just hang in there

[shazbo]

leave he will never change and you are a fool to believe this it is all broken promises . dont think theres is no help out there . there is you are not alone

[madcanner]

As I understand it, then, he is asking you to take him back because he has changed. Well, that's all very well and good, but true change takes time. Accepting Christ is just the first step. You still have to work to unlearn old habits.

If I were in your shoes, and I wanted to give him a second chance, I would let him know that regaining my trust was going to take time. A lot of time, too, not just a few months, more like a year. I'd want enough time to be sure that any change was true and real, not just a temporary effect of regret over losing me. I'd want to be sure that he would keep the change even without being sure of keeping me. I'd want to know that any change truly came from his heart not from what's happening outside him. After all, sometimes people are only sorry that they can't keep on with the bad things they're doing, not really sorry for the bad things.

Trust is earned, and where trust has been violated it takes a longer time to be earned again than it took in the first place. You have every right to take as much time as you need to learn to trust him again and to insist that he prove himself.

I'd also get myself some serious therapy, if I was in your shoes. I would want help in learning how to keep myself from getting back into the old situation.

[chicana1412]

Hello,
To everyone who has given me a response to my cries. I am doing a little better. I have filed for divorce. I have not let him come back at all. I still get, what I call mental abuse except this time he uses the word of God. He reminds me how God does not like divorces and tries to convince me that he has changed. But during our seperation, he has not financially support the girls. He says that until the court tells him to then he will. I have been searching for work for 8 months and can not find any. I struggle so much that sometimes I feel that it might be best to have him come home so that my children will not have struggle with me finanically. But I hold myself strong and continue to struggle. He says that he doesn't help me because that way with me struggling I will realize that we need to be together for us and the children. He has told me to think about the children and that we should be together for them. But like I told him I stayed for the children all these years and where did it get me nowhere. And my 16 year old now has alot of resentment for him and I don't want that. My 16 year old got into a little trouble. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong people so she told him about her trouble she got into and he told me to take a look at what I was doing with this seperation and divorce. I was tearing the family apart and pulling the children apart. That if we would have been together this would not have happened. He asked me to let him come home for 2 months and he would prove to me that he is a changed person. But I can't, it is not in my heart. I had a chance to go to Hawaii and had a job interview and I went. I ended up with 5 more interviews and a job offer but had to turn it down for they wanted me to start the next day. And I had my girls back in Texas. I have possible job waiting for me in July in Hawaii but the lawyer I have and got him through legal aide a program that helps if you have no money has not file the divorce papers and says not to let him know what I am thinking. But in 8 months in Texas and had 1 interview and I go to Hawaii for 1 interview and end up with 5 and a job offer. I know where I need to be. I want to move but am so afraid that he will stop me from bettering myself not only for me but especially for my girls. And the way I see it I should go where ever I want for he is not helping me financially. And my bills are coming and no money it is hard but I will try not to give in and let him come home. For my children and I have a more calmer peaceful home. Please what should I do. I really feel that I can better myself in Hawaii? No let me rephrase that I know I can and I continue her I will end up lost and dead. My bills are coming due and no money so what do I have here nothing but misery. I do have good news though, I start college May 22 and my graduating date is after Christmas 2007. I am going in Business Management. He has also told me to let him come home and I can go to school and never have to work. For you see he knows that my favorit job of all is a stay home mom. I love to be with my children all year round. But I just can't. Why does he want to support me now when my children are in need finanically and he has not helped at all. This divorce is so slow but that is what happens when you don't have the money for a lawyer and have to go for help.
Confused

[mcmama]

Chicana, I am really sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, this is a typical response of our courts to women like you - the father who is trying so hard to keep the marraige together does not have to pay a thing until the court says so. I have been there. It sounds like you are dealing with the type of abuser who is very sanctimonius, and sometimes this is really hard to go against in court.

A couple of things:
Your lawyer is right to tell you NOT to tell him a thing. Believe me, it will be used against you. You are not going to change the situation by arguing with him.

There are some husbands who view wife and children as property, and all the money is theirs. Once they lose possession of their property, they aren't going to pay for it.

Accepting Christ in his life is a great thing. Good for him. Doesn't make him a good husband just yet. A lot of guys in this kind of chaos seek out the Promise Keepers, who are some really good men who are very much the heads of their households. This may be what your husband is fantasizing he can be like, and turning it around in his head so that this is your fault for not taking him back. Separated or reconciled, a Christian father supports his family, and acknowledges the wrong he has done them, if any. It is a hard road, and if he is starting it AFTER 23 years of abuse and now separation, it is one he may find he travels alone, accepting the consequences of his own sin - the death of your marraige. You have been in this for 23 years - ending the marraige is an act of desparation on your part, not an act against God.

Why has your lawyer not filed yet? You are entitled to an explanation, legal aid or not. Also, once you have filed, you attorney can file a motion for "pendente lite" support. That means that your husband has to support you and the kids (probably with not enough money, but something) until the divorce is final. You may be able to get support for just being separated, without filing just yet - check with your lawyer about the laws in your state.

Leaving Texas for Hawaii and taking the children with you could be hard. Many of us are prisoners of "fathers rights" - we are forced to stay where we are in order to continue to have residential custody of the children, even though financially it is devastating. There are no abuse/advocacy organizations that I know of for women like us on this issue. What I have seen in my area of NJ is that the social services groups tell you "there there dear, you're still their mother" and counsel you to leave and better yourself and call everyday and e mail. Meantime they live with the abuser, who fobs them off on his mother or girlfriend or new wife, who are often victims of his abuse as well. Work with your attorney on this one - you may need to show "compelling reason" for relocating, and demonstrate that your husband is not capable of taking care of your children. If your kids are teens, it may be easier to demonstrate this as they might have some input. Some states don't allow the kids to have input, others do.

BTW, you are no longer a victim. You are a survivor. Thanks for letting us know how you are doing.