[ScaredMan]

I stumbled upon this site by accident, but need another persons advice. I have been married for 17 yrs. have 2 great boys 23 (hers by previous, but mine since 5) and 16. We've been through many ups and downs, now seems like love is lost. I have ALWAYS been faithful (my upbringing), NEVER physical abuse, only love. 2 years ago I discovered my wife was "Helping a Friend" through a bad time (bad breakup) by talking to HIM on the cellphone for over 600 minutes a month for 2+ months. I did confront her and she said nothing happened, but "help" which I have since always been suspicious. I even saw a therapist. we have been to counseling which didnt last. She has repeatedly told me that our boys are more important to her than I am. Our oldest son has graduated college and still lives at home. Now our intimacy is suffering, she uses it as a way to try and change me. we both work, which is a hurdle as well as logistics. She accuses me of trying to control her and having anger issues, which i believe untrue. when I try to have a discussion it always ends up in the past. I feel as if she wants to seperate but is afraid to be the "bad guy". any advice offered is apperciated.

[stillparentingafteralltheseyears]

Have you asked her if what she wants is to separate? If that is what she wants and she is unwilling to give couples therapy the chance to work, then your marriage may be over. It is sad that she has told you such hurtful things. That must be very difficult for you. Many people, men and women, get to a point in their lives when the children are grown or nearly so that they are dissatisfied with their lives and take that out on their spouse. For your sake I hope you are able to come to a positive resolution to this issue.

[Mom2Meg]

I am so sorry to hear this. I am in a similar situation right now. I am sure that you already know that, even if she is telling the truth and there was no sex, it is still an affair. My husband, too, claimed he didn't have sex with the younger woman he had a 4-month liason with. (Whether I believe him is another story! lol) He says he never had sex so it wasn't an affair. Wrong! An emotional affair is an affair. (You can put a pig in a party dress, but it's still a pig.) In my opinion, an emotional affair is worse than a one-night stand. It cut me to the bone to find out my husband was spending countless hours talking to and sending thousands of text messages to another woman, giving her support, friendship, and comfort. The fact that he so freely gave to someone else what he withheld from me was devastating.
It has been 5 months since the cat was let out of the bag. I wanted to leave him then, when I found out. But, on the advice of someone who had been through a similar situation, I gave him time. Plus, I have nearly 21 years invested in the relationship. Although, he said it was over with her, he made no effort to repair the damage to our marriage. I suggested that we find low-cost marriage counseling and he said he will not go. I have realized that we are clearly at an impass. At some point, you need to decide whether or not to pull the plug on a marriage that is merely on life support. It is a heartwrenching decision, trust me. Only you and her can decide whether there is still hope or whether you are just prolonging the inevitable. It could be fate's way of telling you that your life needs to take a new direction.
I have started a blog and will be sharing my experience as I make this difficult journey and maybe help someone else along the way. Please feel free to visit.
http://life-and-other-disasters.blogspot.com/