Dating and giving
Hi All,
I'm a 52 year old single woman who is dating a 44 year old single man, and need advice on how to handle/approach my needs in this relationship. The dating sites are full of folks who are looking, who are probably used to "the dating game." But I'd like marriage.
So. In the beginning, we talked a LOT, and that set a pretty positive bent on everything. But now? Well, he is busy, tired, making plans 5 nights a week with other people. So on Friday, we went to an exercise class together, then came home had a very intimate night and morning, after which he left at 10AM--and then proceeded to spend the weekend, again with friends. I knew about Saturday, but not Sunday...so, I thought we could spend that afternoon together, but he had MORE plans with other people that he didn't tell me about.
Well, I'm in the dumps, because lovemaking filled up his tank...but emptied mine; you see he was tired and depressed from a busy week, so I was the demonstrative and fond masseuse, I guess I'd call it.
You know, a phone call that he feels GREAT, while I'm at home on a sunny weekend and he is out with others...just grates. But worse, I feel that lovemaking blew up in my face: it makes ME emotionally bonded, and his absence was thus extremely unnerving.
He got home at 9:30 on Sunday, which is when I called him to tell him how I felt. we talked for 2 hours. I'd had a glass of wine before I called him, and a half a bottle during the conversation, which was not angry, but I don't remember much, other than telling him I wished he'd go to church with me, that we could go on dates like bicycle rides and jogging and walks and hiking. He had said that, well, we hadn't made plans, and so how could he know I expected this, and we are just dating...
On Monday night, I sent an email saying how having sex is messing me up, because it implies a commitment, but it seems to be detrimental to getting to know each other. He is the one who uses the words "team" and "I love you honey (and then tells me why--which is altogether kind).
Lest I give you the wrong idea bout him, his friends are musicians--80 years old, some, or gigs with guys his age, or a 30 piece orchestra. But he has dinners with them--or his family--and te tells me about HALF of these, but this is the 3rd weekend that I've been left hanging because I had no idea that he'd had plans with other people, and so our date night is followed by a lot of (for me) emotional abandonment.
So, I realize I play a role, but somehow telling him how I feel when this happens, only causes him to OMIT telling me anything that might bring conflict--and I'm left hanging. Outside of interrogating him, I don't know how else to make plans (when, afterall, I'd rather spend the weekend with him). So I think it is simply two of us who are immature, but I feel compromised, and my words to him are not working--one of the tools we came up with a month ago was a barometer check. So, on Saturday afternoon, we had a barometer check. That was when I learned he was busy Sunday morning. But the barometer took a nose dive at 2PM on Sunday afternoon, when he was "still" with friends...and then he would call...which happened at 9:30 PM on Sunday. I got yardwork done, but I didn't PLAN on his being out of town ALL DAY.
His lack of detail in his plans, and my desire to see him are in extreme conflict.
I can only imagine he is very lukewarm about "us." And our Sunday night conversation he said "I don't have that much fun with those people, I just stand around and feel left out of the conversation." But, again, that's who he is with, that's what he has done, and the message is very mixed. He made plans to be with people he doesn't like all that much, but also says that we (he and I) didn't make plans. How could we have...he would have been busy. Further, I'd like HIM to make plans with me, and I wrote that in my email.
He wants to THINK about my email, not talk about it. This seeming desire to build a future together is missing teeth altogether--if I leave MY expectations aside altogether, what would YOU say is a rational give and take of dating that will lead to something of substance? Last weekend we went on a road trip and it was rushed, but fun--enough face time and people time to "be together."
But when things happen like being busy all week AND having plans with others for the whole weekend (and not telling me), I cannot see us as a team or a relationship. At what point in a dating relationship (number of months, level of intimacy) does a couple start sharing and coordinating with each other's schedules to find time and ways to see each other? It isn't happening.
Our lovemaking on Friday filled up his tank, but I'm feeling pretty awful, especially how the weekend played out (again).
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