Dealing with Divorce (5 years later)
My SD is 6. Her mother and father were divorced when she was a baby and my husband and I have been married for 4 years (been together 5). My husband is Custodial parent, and the mother lives in a different state and sees SD in the summers.
Well the mother is getting remarried and this is really hard on SD. She all of a sudden doesnt like her soon to be stepfather even though they have been together for 4 years off and on. She says hes mean, doesnt play with her, ect. (we talked about this and apparently it comes down to BM being a disneyland mom and tryint to be SD's friend during visitation and it aggravates the boyfriend who parents her for real, they are going to try and fix that next summer)
but now she has all these other problems. She wants to know why she cant live with her mom, why her mom lives so far away, why she can only see her in the summers. We tell her to ask her mom this (because it has nothing to do with us or our decisions, BM gave my husband custody and moved out of state. We didnt fight or move from her) but when SD asked her she said she didnt know and would get back to her later.
she asked why her mom wont have the same name as her anymore, why she isnt a part of the (DH/SD last name) family, does she (SD) have to change her name too. Why cant her dad and mom be married to eachother. Why does she have to have a stepdad. She doesnt want one. Why did her mom have to move to follow him? Why cant she just move back home.
All these questions and DH and I are running out of answers. BM wont answer her. She says she will have a sit down talk with her next time she sees her but she doesnt want to talk about it on the phone.
what are we supposed to do? Last night Sd didnt sleep!! she was up untill 3:30 in the morning and said she had a lot on her mind and started asking me more questions about it all.
Apparently the only thing she is excited about is being a flower girl.
We dont fight at all with BM. she and I consider eachother friends. she has thanked me for my contribution to the care of SD and we talk at least 2 times a week over e-mail. or she calls me if she needs to know something soon (like SD's clothing sizes for christmas). So when these things come up I tell her about it and she says she will talk to her, but she gives SD answers that delay the situation. Like "when I know I will tell you".
I am hoping that this is a phase for SD and when its over she will be in an acceptance stage. But I dont really know how to help her through it. I know that BM liked this boyfriend and he couldnt live with her and her mom (sd's gram) because the gram didnt like him. so they moved in with his parents out of state. BUT I cant tell SD that. She will think that her mom chose the boyfriend over her by moving to be with him and not staying in her state. And I think thats BM's problem with answering her, because she doenst have an answer that sounds like she did it for SD in anyway or doesnt make her seem selfish. so I cant answer all these questions. They are BM's to answer. And hugging her and telling her it will be fine doesnt work because she just keeps asking new questions everyday. BM and her boyfriend said (in a 3 way convo on the phone) that she must trust me because they cant get her to open up about why she keeps saying she doesnt want them to get married.
Anyone been here? what do I do.
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