[hotreddun]

How does everyone plan to manage the riot of people who want to see the new baby? My parents are totally relaxed about the new baby and plan on coming in to town...but they have also stated very clearly that they are planning on following my requests to be out of the house a good part of the day and staying at a hotel at nights.

The in-laws on the other hand...

...seem to have no problem assuming that they can stay at our house. And my mother in law keeps calling and calling about what to buy for the baby shower. For pete's sake I made a registry just pick something off the list! And she keeps trying to shove hand-me-down stuff down our throats for the nursery...which I've told her repeatedly we do not want. I'm a first time mom...I want new stuff! Is that unreasonable? I fear it is just going to get worse and worse with "tips" and "you should do this" remarks.

How to deal with intrusive in laws?

[twinzplus3]

I don't. Our rule is my husband deals with his family and I deal with mine. But with that said, I always think it's in bad taste to refuse gifts--even used ones. What it says is that her thoughtfulness is not good enough for you. Honestly, I've found with some things I just have to bend. Figure out what you can live with and what you can't and go from there.

[purelegance]

i was like you -- wanted all new things. now that she's a little older, i look for deals. i can't tell a difference, and if i could -- oh well, i tried to save money, so now i'll go get it new. but you have to remember, most newborn things (bouncers, swings, etc) are only used for a month then they're outgrown. i dropped $140 on a bassinet and used it maybe 5 times. same goes with the $100 & $200 swing & pack n play my mother bought for her house. both were used once. that's only 3 things, and $440 i could have used for something else. just take the stuff and if you don't want it -- sell it. extra money in your pocket and frankly - it shuts your MIL up.

as for staying at your house when the baby comes, i would have DH deal with it, you don't need the stress. but you're not going to want to adjust to motherhood & deal with inlaws at the same time. if they're insistant upon staying at your house, ask them if they could come when the baby is 6 weeks or older. that way you have a bit of a routine down.

GL

[QueenAngie]

On your other post, you were concerned about being a new parent.
This is very normal.

Sometimes mothers and/or mother-in-loves can be very helpful,
by 'mothering you' - doing chores, cooking meals, doing the laundry, running the vaccum, etc.

In my marriage, I deal w/ my parents directly and DH deals with his parents, when it comes to issues. It works best for us.

Could it be, since you MIL likes the nearly new items, that she is
concerned about the cost of the motel when she visits?

DH did not believe in 'hand-me-downs' when I had DS#1. Everything had to be brand new too. He was very surprised how quickly the baby outgrew newborn and 3-6 month sizes.
By the time DS#2 came along, it was a different story.

[hotreddun]

to clear up... I haven't refused any hand me down clothing or other items like swings etc.

I turned down repeatedly a crib mattress that has already been used by two other kids in the family. I look for deals too...but I draw the line on mattresses. Let's just say there is a show called Verminators on Discovery. Basically this college girl got a deal on a mattress...it had bed bugs in it. Gross.

And fortunately I have a very good husband that has slowly been learning to do all of my chores. The only chore I now do is laundry...easy...and making the meal planner for the week. So MIL help is not needed. Of course she has managed to make crude remarks about how I am lazy for making poor husband do chores after he works all day.

Anyway...enough *itching about that.

A few responses to my other posts...my birth/child care class starts Tuesday! Yeah! We are doing it a little late...but since we just moved to this town it took us a while to get on schedule. A lot of my fears were reassured as soon as my husband got home about the electric fence. Unfortunately when you are home alone from 8 to 5 your imagination just spirals.

Thanks everybody for the tips.

[Magic_Mikki]

Looks like I am the only one on the other side of the fence as everyone else... I totally feel for you, hotreddun! My mother in law is the same exact way. She was soooo pushy! And she was always trying to get DH and I to take hand-me-downs for our first, and all we wanted was new! We had two baby showers with our first pregnancy, so we had already received MORE than enough new stuff! But she insisted, and it got old real fast! It's not like we refused gifts from her.. we simply turned down (over and over and over and over) hand-me-downs from twenty five years ago! Luckily, she got the hint and stopped bugging us.

There are certain things that you would WANT to turn down. Old swings, carseats, (and that mattress!!!) because of safety hazzards. We bought a new swing for Alex and used it allll the time! Some people didn't use theirs as much, but it was all that Alex could fall asleep in sometimes! It was a sanity saver, and I'm thankful that we had a new one, and not a super old, ready to break, hand-me down!

Speaking from experience, I say good for you for turning down things that you didn't want/need. A million people will try to push their old baby stuff on you, and it can be extremely frustrating! Of course, if the used stuff was a GIFT, then I would totally accept it. But if it is just a suggestion, I see absolutely nothing wrong with saying no thanks!

And good luck with when the in-laws want to stay at your house post-baby! That is a whole different issue in itself, and it will suck! All I can say is that when my in-laws like to impose (purposely or not), DH will tell them a hundred times that it's not what we want, but they never care! It's creepy how they don't respect our wishes. Good luck!!

[dlr]

I had to comment on this one, my MIL drives me crazy!! When we were expecting our 1st, she tried to give my DH a car seat that, I kid you not, was at least 20 yrs old!! Then tells him well I found it (who knows where) and I thought you could use it. With our 1st we wanted new stuff because we knew that we wanted more than 1, so we wanted it to last. I shopped alot of garage sales for clothes and still do, because that baby won't wear those clothes long and I am very picky about what I buy from them, no stains, nothing broken, etc. But the big stuff I or my mom bought new, crib, stroller, car seat, mattress, swing, because of the safety standards. New stuff doesn't have to be expensive either. But anyways, I totally understand about them being over bearing. Hand them the toilet brush, vacuum, duster, then shut yourself in a quite room. When people ask me what I want or need for baby, I'm telling them food, things that can be put in the deep freeze and pulled out at later times, because we really don't need any "stuff". That's how they could help out.

[Kats Playland]

I would have your DH deal with his parents. Just put it to them nicely, you're glad they are coming in, but would like to have some private time. I got luck my InLaw's were pretty lax on things...
As for the hand-me-downs... I didn't mind them except shoes and mattresses. Hopefully things will wind down some for you.
Good luck hun.

_____

[DK615617]

In-laws!! what fun.
We had a house full of people when I had Tiffany, it definitely made it rough on me. Getting used to a new baby as a first time mom is hard enough, you don't need people making you feel uncomfortable in your own home!!!! Make dh put his foot down. (if they can't afford a hotel...I guess you don't have much choice) at least they want to see the grandbaby, but make sure that dh doesn't let her irritat you too much!
I thought I wanted all new stuff at first with Tiff. But, people kept offering really nice stuff. I ended up taking a hand me down bassinet, cuz I knew we wouldn't use it long why waste the money. My mom got a new matress thing for it, and she made all the bedding for it......totally stripped it down and started from scratch. (it turned out nice!) I took a handme down pack and play, but it was Teal, Hot Pink and Purple....I loved it! We also ended up with a stroller and carseat from a friend. (But I knew it had never been in an accident) The only reason I caved on that was that we had blown $1200 on the nursery furniture, and the bedding I wanted was almost $400 from Pottery Barn.....so free stroller and carseat meant, I got the other stuff I wanted!!! (there is no way we could afford to do that now!!! Things were so different back then!) So not all handme downs are bad, but I totally agree with not wanting a matress. I guess it just depends on what it is!! That is just kinda gross!!!! I see people giving away matresses all the time on free cycle....I always think, it is one thing from family or a friend, but total strangers?????eeeek.
Poor Tiff has so many toys from Garage sales, I feel bad for not getting her too many new toys!!
Good luck to you!!!

[KR258]

I love pottery barn.....I don't own any of it but always wanted to. I let my in laws stay at our place after we had our baby and after we had keanu too..it wasn't stressful for me but my mil is very laid back and keeps her comments to herself...infact she doesn't say much in front of me. I was just glad someone wanted to be there to see our baby. If you don't want them to stay I would def have dh handle that. My mil didn't do anything and it was almost as if she wasn't there most times except that there was a extra set of hands so I could clean a little..although most times just had her hold her for no reason cause I was too tired to clean!