[owendsmama]

Hello,

Here is some BACKGROUND and then I will pose my problem(s):

I am a 32yo mom of a 3 1/2yo boy. I have been separated from his father since September 2007 and have been in a serious relationship since January 2008 (so just over 1year now). My boyfriend also has three young children (1 girl and 2 boys) but his children normally live full-time with their mom quite far from us (almost 600 miles). He has also been separated from his wife for roughly the same time and was recently served the long awaited divorce papers; something my ex and I have just not gotten around to doing for a multitude of reasons, all of which come down to finances.
My problem is my son. I find him to be a wonderful child for a 3 1/2yo who is going through some major changes. He and I also lived with my BFs parents for a couple months and now have settled at my mom's until we can get our own place but we spend lots of time still at my BFs parents where he is staying temporarily. My son has been out of school/daycare/pre-school since I have been out work since Nov 2007. I do my best as a stay-at-home-mom to keep him occupied with anything other than TV/movies by taking walks, going to the library, assisting in household chores, activity pages from pre-school workbooks. However, sometimes I must plop him in front of a tv show or movie in order to make time to find a job because remaining a stay-at-home-mom is (unfortunately) not an option.

PROBLEMS:

#1
I am having trouble not just disciplining my son but even just having a conversation. He does not seem to listen and has come up with a list of excuses as to why he cannot (his legs hurt, he is tired, he is itchy, he is thirsty, he has to go to the bathroom etc...). He turns a simple discussion (i.e. myself or my BF explaining something to him, a better way to go about something, a chore etc....) into a huge ordeal. Myself or my BF are both of us are speaking to him physically at his level and are certain to remind him that no one his yelling at him. We have practiced periodically throughout a conversation asking him to repeat what has been said to ensure his is listening; sometimes he does but often he will say " I just don't know" in a very adgitated manor. Sometimes he will even yawn and glaze over when being spoken to. I tend to try to keep my instructional discussions with him short and to the point to avoid these instances but this is not always a winning tactic either because he will sometimes say "I don't know how" (again, very adgitated/frustrated)....basically, if it's not something that he wants to do he will say he doesn't know how.

#2
An additional problem is the relationship between my son and my BF. I welcome my BFs male prescence in my son's life (and my ex has blessed this as well both to me as well as to our son so he knows we are on the same page) as my son's father due to his work does not get to see him often or consistently. My son will talk positively about my BF, says he likes him, enjoys spending time with him but when he is around him he seems very anxious, defensive and wants to have no fun (i.e. "rough-housing"/being picked up and tossed on the bed etc.....) Recently, my BFs two sons have been staying with him for a long visit and my son and I have been spending a lot of time there (consecutive days and nights) we thought for many reasons it was a good opportunity to get them hanging out together (fun for 3 boys ranging from 3-5, good for my son to see that my BF treats his sons no differently than he treats him and good for us to spend some quality parentling time together, not to mention some alone time for my BF and I after a long day of managing 3 young boys). But my sons behavior seems to almost have worsen at times. He would scream and cry instead of laugh and insist on more when my BF would pick him up and toss him on the bed, just as he was to his on sons. That is basically his reaction a lot to my BF - defensive, anxious, crying, whining.

My BF and I are trying very hard to make our relationship work but we are having a hard time with my son's behavior and I know he has concerns about raising another man's son.

In addition, I am told by my ex and my mother and many in fact and my BF has been told by his parents, that we expect way too much of our children and we spend too much time discussing things. My BF and I do agree firmly that children can and should be allowed fun and freedom but that children are expected to obey their parents (no excuses) otherwise there are consequences (time-outs, to bed w/out dinner etc... THOUGH I WELCOME ANY TIPS HERE!).

I am sorry, I know I am scattered, so those reading this my apologies. But I think what is going on is that my BF and I know we both have a lot to accomplish personally but have obvious family obligations to our children but also feel so amazed that we have found one another because we compliment each other quite well in all ways; but my son is our biggest source of contention but we want it to work. We want a life together; which would entail me and my son and my BF living together, but we tend to find it emotionally exhausting trying to communicate with my son.

If anyone can offer any advice I would appreciate it greatly!

Annie

[Samual]

Your son is three, of course he isn't going to listen to everything you say, it hasn't been long since he entered the age at which he can assert himself with not only actions, but speach as well. He is also used to being an only child, so it will be hard for him to see your boyfriend playing with three other children who are complete strangers to your son.

[mollymae]

He sounds like a normal 3 year old boy. At 3 his speech might be great, but his language and understanding skills are probably not as developed as you think. It sounds like your almost planning every aspect of his day and he's getting stressed by it. It's good to be a pro active parent but children do need free time to play on their own. Some children simply find too many people around stressful. Try to make sure your day doesn't involve one instruction after another because to be honest you are expecting too much. Don't sweat the small stuff. Save time out's and punishments for major infringements.