[gatorgirlsrock]

I have recently moved away from my parents to another state with my boyfriend. I am a 23 yr old college grad with a full time job. I am an only chil and the move has been difficult on my mother. I knew it would be from the beginning, but i really felt the move was right. I have been away for about 8 months and I am currently so happy! this has been the best thing for me, and for my relationship with my boyfriend. I am looking forward to getting married and starting a family sometime in the future. My mom has her good days and bad. But when they are bad they are awful! I know she misses me so i do believe I go above and beyond to stay in contact with her. We have made a few trips back to my hometown and i call her probably 3 times a day. And still at times she is so angry with me and gets this attitude. She recently flipped out me for no reason and hung up on me. I called her back a few days later and she was still mad. My thing is niether my mom or dad RARELY ever call me. i feel like i am the one always trying... but my efforts are never good enuough in my moms eyes. I mean sometimes I dont have anything to say on the phone. ya know. I mean my day is the same as yesterday so i call her and dont know what to say. But i know if i dont call her she will take offense and get mad. To give you some background info.. i am an only child. My mother had an AWFUL childhood and left the house when she was 16. she really doesnt speak to anyone in her family, and i have met her parents, my grandparents once when i was like 4. My dads parents disliked my mom and they never had anything to do with her. that set of grandparents and family were never really around me either. So my mom and dad are really the only family i have known. I am struggling because she is always so mad. nothing is ever good enough and it is starting to push me away. She hates to hear if my boyfriend and I do something with his family. so i try not to talk about that. I just dont know how to handle it. It has always been her way or no way type of deal in our house. I was the perfect highschool student/athlete. did EVRYTHING she has ever wanted me to do because i was afraid to dissapoint her and afraid of her wrath to be honest.
I feel guilty in a way because i am so happy with my current life. She is so negative i feel like i should be negative as well. My dad kinda stays out of it. and then she tries to make me feel guilty at times saying "you never call your dad". but the phone works two ways! he NEVER calls me. why is it my fault all the time? i didnt even tell her i got a dog for the longest time because i was afraid she would get mad and yell and tell me how stupid of an idea that was. I am two states away, 23, paying my bills, and have yet to ask my mom for a single penny. I am a responsible adult!

What do i do!? how do i handle my mom? i feel like i can never truly make her happy unless i am living under her roof again, and still then there would be something i did/didnt do to upset her.

[mollymae]

Your Mum's behavior is unreasonable. I would suggest you write to her. Tell her your issues with her behavior and tell her she needs to address and recognise her issues as they are not healthy and they will end up tearing your family apart. I think she's insecure in your love so she's testing you to see how far she can go. Reassure her you love her but not her behavior and help her to find some counselling or get her to see her doctor.

[Magic_Mikki]

I agree with Jo that your mom's actions are inappropriate. You are an adult woman and have every right to live where ever and with whoever you want to live with. It sounds to me like she is possibly still traumatized from her own childhood and she doesn't know how to let go of her own child. I'm sure she feels like your moving away is tearing her only family apart, but it's obvious that her actions are what's tearing the family apart!

I don't know if I really have any great advice. My mom and I are very similar to you and your mom. I found that going to a professional has really helped. I recently decided to start seeing a therapist and it's been wonderful for my life! Obviously you can't make your mom do things but you can surely take matters into your own hands. My therapist has helped me to figure out how to handle my mom, among a million other good things! So since it might be difficult to ask your mom to see someone, maybe you could! Its so beneficial in so many ways!

[gatorgirlsrock]

I am glad I am not the only one who sees this. I mean I dont want to feel like I am intnetionally hurting my mom, because I am not. But she is pushing me away by acting like this. I do agree, i think a lot has to to do with her childhood. She always told me how bad it was, but it seems like she would try to do the opposite of her parents and not push me away. She actually called my boyfriend before I moved down there and well... wasn't too pleasent with him. And even after that he still would go back home with me and visit and everything. I know I am not perfect by any means, and dont expect my mom to be perfect either. But i have tried to tell her so many times how I have always aimed to please her. And I think by moving down here this is the first time i actually put what i wanted to do first. I do think she is so controlling. I am at the point right now where i feel better when i dont talk to her. I have called the past 3 days but she doesnt answer and never calls back. I dont want her to think I dont care, but i dont know how much longer do i have to keep calling and not have a response. I have checker her email, and the emails that i have forwarded to her. She has deleted them without reading. I love my parents and really appreiciate everything they have done. I think my mom is just used to pushing people out of her life if she has a problem with them. This has been a long time coming, almost. And i kinda feel like i should just let her push me out. Is that bad?

[mollymae]

It's not wrong but remember that you only have one mum. She loves you despite her silly behavior.

[gatorgirlsrock]

I know.. i think thats what makes it more difficult. I know she loves me and cares. She just is making thi smuch more difficult that it has to be!

[gatorgirlsrock]

Since my mom wont answer my phone calls, nor will call me back. Do i write her a letter or email? She has deleted my previous emails, so I'm not sure she would read anything I would send her, or if she even wants me to contact her. I think either way will be a problem. If I dont try to contact her she will be mad because it would seem that I don't care, but if I write her and tell her my feelings she will be mad because she doesnt agree with me and ALWAYS feels she does no wrong. I don't want to lose the only family I have, but to be honest these last few days have been pretty refreshing. I havent had to prepare myself to talk to my mom and wait for her to say my job isnt good, or how I dont make a lot of money, or how I talk to her in a disrespectful way... (which she thinks when i disagree with her i am talking down to her or disrepecting her). Me, My boyfriend, and our puppy are this happy little family and I get so excited when I get off from work so I can go spend time with them! I am frustrated with this current situation and feel it is starting to affect me at home now, and i refuse to let anything ruin the great life I have going on!
And what about my dad. He always tries to stay out of the arguments/problems me and my mom have. I have only ever brought him into them one time. And it was not too long after I moved away. My mom and I were in a big argument and I talked to my dad about it. Apparently my dad, took my side and didnt speak to my mom for a few days. Of course my mom got even more mad at me and accused me of trying to make my dad turn on her. Which i did nothing of that nature, i only wanted dad to hear my side of the story.. since I am on the oither end of the phone all my dad could hear was my mom and didnt have a clue as to what i was saying. So i told him. Just so he can have both sides, ya know. I am just really confused. I feel like such an adult and have accomplished so much, but then at times with this situation I feel like a helpless, confused kid.

[mollymae]

I think maybe Michelle is right. I think you should get some counselling, not because I think you have issues but because you've been bought up by your mum who obviously very manipulative. Being manipulated has its effects too. I also think you could use some coping stratagies and ways to put away this issues with your mum. If she can't behave in a respectful way towards you then you need to feel comfortable in your decision to refuse to put up with it.

How about writing to your dad at his work and including a letter for you mum for him to hand deliver?

[gatorgirlsrock]

OK so i started to write my mom an email.. but before i send it i want to know what other people think. Does it sound too mean, serious? Do you thin kit will make her more mad... although i have a feeling i KNOW it will make her more mad. idk.. tell me if I am on the right track or not....here it is:
It is quite obvious that you don’t want to speak to me and honestly I am not sure what you want me to do. Although you may not agree, I do feel that I have gone above and beyond to try to stay connected to you since I have moved. I have called, emailed, sent pictures, and came back home as much as possible. It was getting to the point where I was calling you three times a day, and oddly as this sounds, I still got the feeling from you that it wasn’t good enough. I feel like I was the only one calling. I rarely get a call from you guys. I don’t understand why it always has to be put on me. If I don’t call you assume I don’t care. But what am I lead to believe when you don’t call?

I do feel that I was at the right place in my life to make a decision to move away from home and start a new chapter. By doing so, that doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate everything you and dad have done for me. I would not be the person I am today without your generosity. I know that me moving away has been hard, but I don’t think it has to be this difficult. We rarely see eye to eye on much, but I feel you take such offense when I do not agree with you. My difference of opinion is in no way me being disrespectful.

I have tried my best to do what you wanted me to and I am constantly seeking your approval. But I am at the point where I feel nothing I can do now will ever gain your approval or acceptance. And that is very hard for me to accept. I feel as if I have to do what you think I should and if not, you just will ignore me and begin to push me away. I do not want that to happen, but I do think I am grown enough to make my own decisions and stick to them, whether you agree or not.

[gatorgirlsrock]

Would really love someone's thoughts/suggestions