[lavatea]

Ok, so I want a large family. I would really love five or six kids, but Aaron is dead set against that many, so I've pushed it down to four. My family is not at all supportive of this. I come from a family that has been smaller family units for several generations, and we're not very well-off, so they just don't get it and also worry about the expense.

I have recently gone back to school, and our finances have been pretty shaky since last September and have crashed since March or so. We paid off as much debt as we could with our income tax return, but all other unsecured debts have fallen behind. We let Aaron's truck go back to the bank, and we've borrowed a fair amount of money here and there from relatives to make rent, electricity, etc. over the past 6 months or so.

Aiden and Amelie are spaced just slightly over three years apart. Aaron and I want our kids to be spaced somewhat close together. I have been thinking lately that we should start trying for number three when Aiden is about 18 mos. old.

My sister is pretty supportive of me even though she thinks I'm crazy for wanting more kids. So tonight, just making conversation, I told her what I had been thinking. I told her that if we got back on top of our bills by January, I was thinking that Aaron and I would start trying for number three. She got all quiet and a little perturbed looking. So I asked her what the deal was, and she said, "I think that if you think you're able to support another kid, then you don't need anymore help from me". She said that even if we are making it by January, who's to say that we won't fall behind three months after that.

I was floored. I wasn't expecting that reaction from her at all. I have borrowed some money from her in the past few months. She had to take out student loans to cover both this semester and next, so she has extra money right now. So I know she's worried about getting that money back, but at the same time, I had loaned her money (when I didn't really have it to loan) several months in a row before she got her loan money (so it's been a back and forth thing). Anyway, I don't feel as if I'm taking advantage of her financially, and that's almost how she acted.

I'm all for being as financially stable as possible before having more kids, but I also believe you can't wait for the "perfect" time in your life to have kids because you could always be more ahead of the bills or be farther in your career or have a bigger house or whatever. I am two years from finishing my degree (BS in nursing). Aaron is currently waiting tables (although we're trying to find him a better job) and has no career plan at this point.

Am I crazy for wanting to start trying for number three soon? What has your experience been when planning your kids? How do you balance what your family wants/expects vs. what you want - especially if you're pretty close with them?

[twinzplus3]

I do not plan my kids. We have taken them as we've been blessed with them.
I do not borrow money from family. It never ever turns out pretty.
I do not just share random thoughts of the future with relatives. I never come out looking good.

I am not sure why you're surprised at her reaction. If I were in her shoes. . .the first thing I'd want to hear about is how you're going to pay me back and THEN start planning for kids. I think that it's a normal reaction given her position.

It seems to me that if you're planning to have #3 then you'd plan around a time that's more financially stable. But honestly, I never got "planning" your kids out anyways. That's just me though.

[lavatea]

Twinz, I'm so glad you replied; I was hoping to hear from you!

I agree, borrowing money isn't pretty, and I really need to find a different way of surviving.

I think I need to take up your philosophy of not sharing thoughts of the future with relatives. It hurts me to have to come to that decision, because I am really close with my family (and extremely close to my sister), but they tend to be negative, and I, too, rarely "come out looking good".

As for planning, I wish Aaron and I could agree to take them as they come, but he's not on the same page there. If I had my life to do over again, I would definitely have found out his thoughts on this kind of stuff before we ever had our first child, however, I didn't even want kids until I had my first one, so I had no idea what my own thoughts on family planning were. For such a planner (I make lists daily), my life happens very accidentally.

[KR258]

I agree with Valorie...I don't share info like what I plan to do or not to do money wise (with family) unless I am looking for an answer as what to do. I would try to not take her reaction personally because she's just trying to help. You should do what you think you should do though. I wouldn't worry how close or far apart the kids are...I would worry about being financially stable though. If you think you're in a safe place then I say go for it! I don't think anyone is crazy for wanting children or wanting more children unless they aren't good parents to the ones they have...then they must be crazy. When something happens my family won't like I just throw it out there and duck. Usually they come around.

[purelegance]

i agree with pp. i have no plans on telling anyone when we'll be trying again. (except for you ladies!) my mother doesn't understand why anyone would want 1 kid, much less the 5 i want. i already know she's going to be very dissappointed with #2 &#3 come along. (haven't talked DH into 4 & 5 yet. technically, i haven't gotten him on the #3 bandwagon yet either.) Don't take it personally. family's always full of opinions -- none of which matter and 99% of the time make no sense.

as for money, we're in the same boat. it's rough out. we've had to borrow money from my mom the the past 2 months (hopefully this will be the end). she gives me a guilt trip every day when we're going to pay her back, why does she have to watch izzy for such a long shift OR why aren't i working that day. I actually feel guilty going to the store and buying chicken & milk for the week.

Just wanted to add -- you'll never know when something's going to happen financially. who's to say in 3 months, she won't be in the same boat? the economy's tough like that right now, i can't base my whole life on the "what ifs". just have to pray He knows what he's doing. (which, He always does)

[lavatea]

Originally Posted by purelegance

Just wanted to add -- you'll never know when something's going to happen financially. who's to say in 3 months, she won't be in the same boat? the economy's tough like that right now, i can't base my whole life on the "what ifs". just have to pray He knows what he's doing. (which, He always does)

That was pretty much my follow-up to her. I told her that we could wait another year and be stable, have a baby, and then a week later something could happen to knock us off of our feet again. Heck, when I got pregnant with Aiden I was working a full-time job, and we were making it. But unless I wanted to make entry-level money working as an office drone and being unfulfilled in my career until all of my children were grown, I had to quit at some point and return to school.

Hopefully our major money problems will be behind us soon. Then when I finish school we should be ahead of the game. In the meantime I will try to keep my mouth shut about my family goals and try not to borrow anymore money. I'm actually starting a part-time job in the next week so that should go a little ways to getting us on track.

[Tracey with 6]

It's sad that she can't be supportive of you , but I find family the same , I have a few close freinds that know our future plans but as a rule I don't elaborate, alot of people don't get teh quiverful idea, I even have peole who think I'm in some sort of competion and tell me about people who 'beat 'me cos the have more kids than I do, I htink you have to have different life plans than other people , I have different satandards for my kids, clothes and activity wise, and if your prepared to make the sacrifices associated with a large family no body has the right to say anything about it, good luck

[twinzplus3]

Originally Posted by lavatea

I think I need to take up your philosophy of not sharing thoughts of the future with relatives.

I highly recommend it. At least for me, one reason I don't share is because they are not privy to the minute details in my every day life that lead and speak to me. So when I share a "I'm going to do this" they don't have the total background and it's difficult to communicate.

I've also found that there are times when I feel lead to do something that doesn't make sense. It's not until we land on our feet that they later can go back and see my point of view. (Thus the expression hind sight is always 20/20.)

As far as planning goes, we actually weren't always like that. . .we lost a couple of babies and came to the conclusion that for us, birth control wasn't working. (I mean mentally, spiritually, emotionally--not that it literally wasn't working. ) We felt like we were so distrurbed by the "am I", "what if", "does it make sense" etc. that it was interfering with our relationship with God. It was a trust issue. We felt like we weren't trusting in God to take care of our needs. Coupled with the fact that there isn't a precedent for birth control in the Bible, we just ditched it a took them as they come. I'm certainly not saying that's where you're at. . .but just sharing a bit of our journey. This was definitely an area in which we grew together as a couple--bc you're right--you don't know.

[ruthann8]

I am a planner! So here is what I would do, wait until you are stable enough in all aspects of your life. And I say enough not completely. Because you will never be completely ready! But it is entirely up to you and your dh. Make sure this is something BOTH you and your dh agree on, you don't need anymore stress in your relationship, money issues and babies(yes, they are always a blessing) can be very stressful!!!!!! And I don't recomend borrowing money from family, it never has a good ending.

And to let you in on a secret, nothing ever goes as planned!

[lavatea]

Thanks! Your replies really make me feel better. I'm going to concentrate on getting us back on track, and then I'll start working towards planning the next child.

Ruthann, thanks for the reminder about how plans rarely work out. I know this, and yet it is so easy to forget.

BTW, I don't use hormonal birth control anymore (haven't in about 2 years). I think it's horrible for your body, and I'm currently wrestling with whether I feel if it's even moral considering that it keeps a fertilized egg from implanting. We mostly just avoid when I'm O'ing and use condoms. But I guess that's a whole different thread.