[lindamac]

Hi! this is all new to me. I found out recently that I have a narcissitic mother. It was after I had taken enough. I had been on the phone on a sunday eve and had a couple glasses of wine. I did not want to talk with her but she called to find out how a luncheon I had thrown went. We talked for a moment or two and then she brought up my niece and how she had sent her an e-mail telling her how proud she should be of herself and what a good job she was doing in school. I broke down, and started to sob asking her why can't she say that to me. Needlees to say, the conversation went south from there. She started telling me that she knew she had been a terrible mother and had come to terms with that and was not going to deal with the pain. No tears on her side. The next morning as usual I felt bad for making her feel bad so I wrote her an apology e-mail and told her that she wasn't a bad mother and that I was proud to call her my mother. Well, I received back an e-mail more or less telling me that it was my problem that I had no self esteem and that I needed to do the work that her telling me that she was proud of me is not what good parents do, etc. All of my life I have struggled with this. She used to call me fat when I was young. Telling me all the time that I was trying to compete with her. Slapping me in front of my friends when I was 13 because I had mouthed off to her. There was always some sort of struggle going on between her and I. Well, I finally snapped after 52 years and wrote her a very nasty e-mail. Asking her why she told me as an adult child that she had left me as a baby with my father and grandmother only to return because she found out she was pregnant with my brother. In my e-mail to her I told her I no longer could be in contact with her. Days later I recieved a 10 page letter from my father daming me and telling me how sweet and honest and kind my mother is and that I no longer had parents and that they never wanted to see me again. I have been a very dutiful and good daughter. I am now seeing a therapist about this but feel awful. Do I actually have a nmother. My therapist says she does have narcissistic traits. She never shows any emotion. I have only seen her cry twice in my life. When I was 15 years old I ran away from home. My dad found me and when I got home he beat me with a belt. My mother did nothing. Any support or acknowledgement would sure help. I am glad I found this site. Much of what I have read I have experienced.
Thanks. Lindamac

[stillparentingafteralltheseyears]

I can relate to your pain. Having been born to a narcissist mother and co-conspirator father, I understand what you are going through. Read the blog entries on this site by Beth McHugh, especially, Denying the Father's Role When Mother is a Narcissist. This really helped me see my late father as my mother's co-conspirator, not a helpless victim. Your father is allowing your mother to use him to cause you pain.

The narcissist controls you by making you feel guilty. The less contact you have with your mother, the better you will begin to feel about yourself. After my father's death, which my mother caused in part, I finally stood up to her. She tried to make me feel bad for finally telling her the truth and it was only after spending many hours reading through all of Beth McHugh's narcissism blogs that I was finally able to see her venom for what it is and emotionally remove myself from her wrath. When my father was alive she was able to use him to do some of her dirty work, as your mother is doing now, but is now unable to do so which, at nearly 95 y/o, frustrates her to no end.

I can relate to nearly everything in your post. When my siblings and I were young she manipulated my father into beating and terrorizing us while she did nothing. Then when he was not around, she would berate him for what she made him do to us and portray herself as the victim. Monstrous and causing untold damage to us as children and causing great confusion and distress to us all.

Five of of my seven siblings moved away. One sister died of cancer totally estranged, one sister has nothing to do with her and the other 3 have very little to do with her. I live 30 miles away and only see her occasionally, and, with someone there with me for my emotional protection.

You ask if you have a mother. You were born to a very damaged person who has no idea how to be a mother. The only thing you can do about this unfortunate reality is to distance and protect yourself. It is good you are in therapy. Reading Beth McHugh's entries will show you you are not alone or at fault. It will be difficult to erase the years of negativity. But, each day will be easier and the less you have to do with her, the better you will feel.

I hope to have been of some help to you. Be kind to yourself. You are a wonderful and worthwhile person.

[lindamac]

Thank you. you make me feel strong and that I did the right thing. I was the most meek and the most accomdating in a sense, really all I wanted was to be loved. In the beginnnig I was the rebel like my brother but later became mary marvel to no avail. I had some flashbacks today realizing that I had been disowned etc. many times in my life if I did not ahear to their wishes, she always used my fater for her bidding. If I was not being disowned I was running away. I first ran away at 6 or 7 because I ripped my dress at school and I was scared of the outcome, even then. It is a double edged sword, I am glad I found out it is not me, but then I found out my parents never really loved me . Thanks again! Love, Lindamac

[stillparentingafteralltheseyears]

Thank you for your kind words. You statement about being Mary Marvel is true of me also. Please realize that it is not entirely that your parents never really loved you, it is that they never loved you unconditionally. I learned from my parents that all children deserve unconditional love which I have given to my own 2 children. Best wishes to you on your journey to learning to unconditionally love yourself. Listen to the song, the Greatest Love of All and let that be the anthem for your life!!

[IronyForLaughs]

I joined this website for the same reason as you. Yet I am 14 and still dealing with a cruel mother. I often lock my self in my room and lay on the floor waiting for school to start. Good Luck and the best thing to do is just forget her, all she will do is make you sad no matter what.