[KR258]

Her divorce is final already and her kids 3 & almost 2 stay with their dad for 6 weeks in the summer. I was hoping someone on here would have some better advice than I can give (since I've never been through this)

I am so frustrated with his "idea" of taking care of the kids. It's neglect in my opinion, but I'm not sure if the courts would agree. He claims that he just does things differently and that I'm such a control freak that I can't stand someone else doing something differently than the way I want it done. But is it too much to ask that he bathe the kids regularly? That he feed them good food, not just junk food and (as what happened this last monday) feeding them Oat Bran because that's the only cereal in the house? He had no milk even! The house he's living in is not child proofed and Chloe has access to way too many things that are dangerous choking hazards. When I got there to pick them up at 10am, they were still in their overnight diapers, soaking wet and left in the house unattended while he and his wife were outside smoking.


So, of course, I call a lawyer and she says she can help but it'll cost me a $3200 retainer (which I don't have). I end up sending Shaun an email expressing my concerns and he refuses to respond. His cell phone (as I discovered today) had been turned off so I couldn't reach him and I started freaking out. I finally looked up the home number online and call that. He is all pissed off saying my email was disrespectful and starts defending himself but also attacking me, so I get all upset and start yelling back. Ugh, we got nowhere and I have no idea what to do now. I want my kids home now where I know they are being taken care of. He accuses me of not teaching Alex anything at home and says he taught Alex everything he knows (even though he actually learned most of it at school!) and says I'm a bad mother and that he's the only one who feeds the kids healthy foods (which is such bs). I am so angry and I can't get over this.

[purelegance]

DH is on a diet and complaining he's hungry, so i don't have time to really read this. (apparently i'm the only one who knows how to cook healthy!) but i just saw she need a retainer -- tell her to call around to different lawyers! i know quite a few times we've been screwed by lawyers who ask for a retainer. then they call and ask for more money and nothing gets done. i'll be on tonight to help more.

[JeanLynn81]

At this point it is her word against his. She needs some pretty solid proof that the kids are being neglected. She can send dfs down there to check on the kids if she feels it is necessary. If dfs does a full investigation and finds no signs of neglect/abuse then she doesn't have much of a case.

He claims that he just does things differently and that I'm such a control freak that I can't stand someone else doing something differently than the way I want it done.

Unfortunately this is exactly what the courts are going to think too, unless she can prove there's serious neglect. Google her state guidelines for what they consider neglect to be, and get some proof from there.

So, of course, I call a lawyer and she says she can help but it'll cost me a $3200 retainer (which I don't have).

Because the court has a visitation order enforced, it is going to take ALOT of money to change it. Its also an insane amount to ask for, considering that as of now, she doesn't have much of a case.

But I wish her the best of luck. I totally understand. to her.

[mcmama]

Oat bran is not worth going to court over. Choking hazards and lax supervision are. Lax supervision would be leaving them unattended, or with someone who is not competent, or exposing them to adult behaviors which are not good for children.

If your friend is uneasy about the shared custody, she does indeed need to retain a lawyer and choose her battles carefully. Likely the question of babyproofing and choking hazards can be resolved with some court ordered family counseling to resolve the dispute.

The amount of a retainer often depends on where you are and what the lawyer anticipates the costs to be. I paid a $3000 retainer upfront to defend my family post judgement, and get our shared custody arrangements changed. It was gone in no time, and my lawyer was pretty economical with how she did her billing. Paras and interns did the routine communications with me, and she only billed for the actual consult and representation.

We won. But my ex took us to the appellate. We won again. But defending us at the appellate level alone cost around $5000. That was for half a day in court, 4 hours round trip travel time, and the amount of time spent on the actual brief, which was huge. But it got the job done. That was ON TOP of all the other post judgement matters we had to resolve in the local court - from changing the visitation and custody status from joint residential to joint legal, and defending me from a lot of nonsense about what I "stole" from our house (Like the piano the kids were taking lessons on)

We had more than babyproofing to worry about.

If sitting in the wet diapers resulted in diaper rash or infection, please tell her to document this. A haphazard approach to childcare will likely not keep the father from visitation, but the court may modify it in the children's best interests to not be six uninterrupted weeks.

Smoking would be an issue for me too, but it depends on where you are and alone is not much of a reason to trouble the court unless the children are asthmatic or allergic.

[purelegance]

i agree with pp's.

she needs solid proof of these things. however are they really going to withdraw custody or visitation? no, probably not. the only thing i can see that a judge would say "hmm" to is the diapers, but who can really say that's never happened to them during one hectic morning? food & childproofing can be fixed in one trip to the store. the smoking, while sucks, is not justifiable enough to change visitation, especially since they go outside. and what does bathing regularly classify to her as? we bathe izzy every other night, but sometimes we'll skip and she'll get it on the 3rd day.

the best route would probably be to just open up some better communication with her ex husband. pack healthy food & snacks with the kids' bags and extra diapers -- will probably get the message across. while i would be p.o-ed about the diaper, i gotta be completely honest - it sounds morelike a classic divorce couple who are looking for things to pick at eachother with than actual neglect.